What a weekend...

[AlexEN]

@Everyone!!!...

Been off of here for a little while, feeling detached and burned out at the same time. But, last night S14 was mildly out-of-control again. By way of additional background, he remains very agitated with W and, per prior postings, his "packaging" can get ugly. He inadvertently hurt S9 (not badly; typical boys roughhousing to which W always has been very sensitive to their roughhousing -- she grew up an only child and it's always "scared" her)...

So, this morning she sends me this e-mail:

From: W
Sent: Monday, August 10, 2009 7:48 AM
To: A
Subject: stuff I need to say

I'm writing to you rather than trying to discuss this in person because I feel that I'll get "shut down" before I can say it all, and it's important to me that I say this.

Whenever you stand by and watch or tolerate S14's behavior (this includes when you say something like "come on S14, why don't you stop doing that"---which does nothing) when he becomes verbally and/or physically agressive/abusive towards me or his siblings, I lose respect for you, but worse than that, I worry about how S14 will cope with future disappointments.

Not only does your passive behavior go against your own rule about how we should "always support each other in front of the kids," it sends a message to S14 that there are circumstances when abusive behavior is justifiable! So, someday if a friend betrays him, perhaps he'll think it's justifiable to start kicking him and using tae kwon do. His angry outbursts will NEVER be acceptable, but it's difficult for me to deliver this message when you make him feel that it's okay for him to express his feelings in such ways.

If I continue to be the only person in his life telling him that he can ONLY use words, and that even words, used the wrong way, are abusive, he'll never accept that message. I am worried that he could potentially hurt someone else in the future, and as a result, hurt himself and his future. He needs counseling if he cannot contain this anger. It is frightening to me that you've continued to tolerate his actions, and I'm not talking about his "accident" last night with S9, although that was the result of his disrespect for me... unwilling to listen to me when I told him to stop... and although it was not deliberately abusive towards S9, it was definitely threatening, bullying behavior because he knew he could get away with it.

I don't know how to get through to you on this one. Letting S14 get away with what he's doing certainly isn't making me have second thoughts about our divorce, it just reinforces my feeling that you don't really understand me sometimes.

W

I am at a loss for words (I know that is hard to believe) and I can’t believe she is suggesting that I am tolerant of S14’s behavior. (I've posted several times on this thread about how appalling I think his "packaging" is... and I reprimand him after-the-fact, when he is more receptive to the message.)

If one were to ask the boys who is tougher on them when they misbehave, I can assure you it would be me. But, in the grand-scheme-of-things, it looks like she is trying to deliver the message that I alone am responsible for stopping him and if I do not any future behavioral problems are on me. Missing in her analysis are the messages she is sending him (and his siblings) and how they will affect his future...

This is one of those times where I need guidance from the outside looking in as this message is a tough one to receive without wanting to lash out (e.g., Which of the two of us is sending him the wrong messages?), but I don't want to fall into that trap...

@Coach would say to lead, I know, and ask me what she is really saying. She is suggesting that I am being passive -- I'm not -- but, it is her perception thus making it her reality. The problem is that, at my core, I care more about his feelings now than I do hers. He is hurting. He needs to express, not repress... So, it's a fine line that we walk. I do chastise him, but not in front of her. He gets the message better one-on-one, not when he is "teamed up on".

Any words of wisdom to the flooded?

Thanks,

AlexEn