What a weekend...

[AlexEN]

Okay, I have a thought, it may well be a delusional one... But, having just read @A&K, @Smiley and my posts back on @Smiley's thread, I to think the following is true...

I think we, the LBS, will, at the end of the day, be far happier than our WAS will be. I say this despite the immense pain each of us has faced (and without denying the fact that in many cases our WAS has often borne tantamount pain)... And, apologies to those who don't like using those labels, but sometimes it's just too hard to write things without the useful acronyms (and without imbuing them with negative connotations)...

I look at people like @Mules, @Smartcookie, @VeronicaV, etc., and each of whose situations were entirely different and can't help but think that they will, in the not-so-long-run not only be far happier/fulfilled people than they were before, but it's also hard for me to imagine that their respective X-partners will be happier/more fulfilled than they. I think this is true even of those whose situations won't/don't end in a D. The commonality is the willingness to do Work on oneself and to dig deep and to be introspective and become understanding of oneself as well as others...

I look at people like @Smiley, @Thinker, @A&K, @Serenity, @GIMA, @mindblank, etc., etc., (sorry if I didn't call you out by name, as I think this is true in more cases than not) and think to myself that as different as the situations are, each will end up in a far better place than each could ever imagine at this point, whether or not that is in a new relationship with the old WAS or with a new partner.

As long as we don't give up on ourselves, we WILL be okay... and I think, more than okay... I think we will thrive. And, for that we can thank all of the "Old Pros" who coax/cajole and 2X4 us each and every day into not giving up on ourselves...

Like I said, I could be delusional on this, but, heck, it keeps me going...

[Sara]

Was it Plato who said, "the unexamined life is not worth living."? I remember thinking of that often when my H was deep in the throes of denying his marriage and telling OW that she was his soulmate. Every morning when he shaved I wondered how he stood in front of that mirror and looked at himself, and how he could not see the liar that he had become. That romantic love is a form of temporary insanity.

[aliveandkicking]

Nice AlexEN, if you are delusional, I smoke whatever you're smoking.

[mac-ct]

I think we, the LBS, will, at the end of the day, be far happier than our WAS will be.

I look at people like ...... and think to myself that as different as the situations are, each will end up in a far better place than each could ever imagine at this point

As long as we don't give up on ourselves, we WILL be okay... and I think, more than okay... I think we will thrive. And, for that we can thank all of the "Old Pros" who coax/cajole and 2X4 us each and every day into not giving up on ourselves...

Ohhhhhhh yeah

Get some peaceful Z's. Tomorrow we all have to get back on the roller coaster.
It's a fine view from the top

Mac

[AlexEN]

Nice AlexEN, if you are delusional, I smoke whatever you're smoking.

Actually, I prefer the liquid form myself...

[Serenity13]

I look at people like @Smiley, @Thinker, @A&K, @Serenity, @GIMA, @mindblank, etc., etc., (sorry if I didn't call you out by name, as I think this is true in more cases than not) and think to myself that as different as the situations are, each will end up in a far better place than each could ever imagine at this point, whether or not that is in a new relationship with the old WAS or with a new partner.

As long as we don't give up on ourselves, we WILL be okay... and I think, more than okay... I think we will thrive. And, for that we can thank all of the "Old Pros" who coax/cajole and 2X4 us each and every day into not giving up on ourselves...

Like I said, I could be delusional on this, but, heck, it keeps me going...

My friend I think you are correct...

I couldn't even begin to imagine life with a new person however that may be what the future holds...

It may be the same husband who is a new person or a new man all together however I will be a better person because of this...

I will be a stronger woman because of this...

I will be a better mother because of this...

I have more faith then I ever did before...

I have more strength then I ever thought possible...

I have inner peace and that came from within...

I have courage to face each day instead of hide from it...

I have the wisdom of the people who have been here longer then me...

I have the generosity of those same people who come here and share with me (and all of us) the ways I am doing right and the ways I am doing wrong...

I have the security of the love I receive from God...I also have his protection because he will never let me fall flat on my face...

In my heart, I know we will all be just fine.

[AlexEN]

@Everyone!!!...

Been off of here for a little while, feeling detached and burned out at the same time. But, last night S14 was mildly out-of-control again. By way of additional background, he remains very agitated with W and, per prior postings, his "packaging" can get ugly. He inadvertently hurt S9 (not badly; typical boys roughhousing to which W always has been very sensitive to their roughhousing -- she grew up an only child and it's always "scared" her)...

So, this morning she sends me this e-mail:

From: W
Sent: Monday, August 10, 2009 7:48 AM
To: A
Subject: stuff I need to say

I'm writing to you rather than trying to discuss this in person because I feel that I'll get "shut down" before I can say it all, and it's important to me that I say this.

Whenever you stand by and watch or tolerate S14's behavior (this includes when you say something like "come on S14, why don't you stop doing that"---which does nothing) when he becomes verbally and/or physically agressive/abusive towards me or his siblings, I lose respect for you, but worse than that, I worry about how S14 will cope with future disappointments.

Not only does your passive behavior go against your own rule about how we should "always support each other in front of the kids," it sends a message to S14 that there are circumstances when abusive behavior is justifiable! So, someday if a friend betrays him, perhaps he'll think it's justifiable to start kicking him and using tae kwon do. His angry outbursts will NEVER be acceptable, but it's difficult for me to deliver this message when you make him feel that it's okay for him to express his feelings in such ways.

If I continue to be the only person in his life telling him that he can ONLY use words, and that even words, used the wrong way, are abusive, he'll never accept that message. I am worried that he could potentially hurt someone else in the future, and as a result, hurt himself and his future. He needs counseling if he cannot contain this anger. It is frightening to me that you've continued to tolerate his actions, and I'm not talking about his "accident" last night with S9, although that was the result of his disrespect for me... unwilling to listen to me when I told him to stop... and although it was not deliberately abusive towards S9, it was definitely threatening, bullying behavior because he knew he could get away with it.

I don't know how to get through to you on this one. Letting S14 get away with what he's doing certainly isn't making me have second thoughts about our divorce, it just reinforces my feeling that you don't really understand me sometimes.

W

I am at a loss for words (I know that is hard to believe) and I can’t believe she is suggesting that I am tolerant of S14’s behavior. (I've posted several times on this thread about how appalling I think his "packaging" is... and I reprimand him after-the-fact, when he is more receptive to the message.)

If one were to ask the boys who is tougher on them when they misbehave, I can assure you it would be me. But, in the grand-scheme-of-things, it looks like she is trying to deliver the message that I alone am responsible for stopping him and if I do not any future behavioral problems are on me. Missing in her analysis are the messages she is sending him (and his siblings) and how they will affect his future...

This is one of those times where I need guidance from the outside looking in as this message is a tough one to receive without wanting to lash out (e.g., Which of the two of us is sending him the wrong messages?), but I don't want to fall into that trap...

@Coach would say to lead, I know, and ask me what she is really saying. She is suggesting that I am being passive -- I'm not -- but, it is her perception thus making it her reality. The problem is that, at my core, I care more about his feelings now than I do hers. He is hurting. He needs to express, not repress... So, it's a fine line that we walk. I do chastise him, but not in front of her. He gets the message better one-on-one, not when he is "teamed up on".

Any words of wisdom to the flooded?

Thanks,

AlexEn

[Serenity13]

Alex - Nice to see you again...I will bypass the email all together, let someone else focus on that and turn my focus on your son...As you know my journey with bi-polar has been littered with anger - Anger so all consuming that at times I have frightened myself...I have hurt people physically because I just couldn't control it...Even now I don't spank my kids because I am terrified the anger will take over at any moment...Your son is at an age where he can learn a few things that I didn't learn until I was much older...

The 3 R's will help him once he learns the technique, I found these online but it is what I have been given by my Dr.

Retreat
Step back from a heated discussion and take a break, a time-out, or a breather, rather than jumping in and expressing the first thing that pops into your head. Learning skills to relax, such as meditation, breathing exercises, or exercise, and scheduling personal retreats, even during your lunch break, may help you control your temper.

Rethink
Slow down and calm your racing thoughts and take your time to think about what’s happening before you respond. You will be more effective in resolving the conflict if you get in touch with your feelings, listen carefully to what others are saying, and try to brainstorm possible solutions to the issues.

Respond
When you’re feeling calmer, concentrate on using slower speech and a calm tone of voice that is not defensive or judgmental or insulting. Using silly humor, not sarcasm, can defuse the tension. Some people find it’s helpful to write a script and rehearse it in private in order to stick to the main concerns.
Remember to use “I” statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say, “I’m unhappy that you didn’t come home earlier,” rather than, “You should have been home earlier.” Talking to a person you can trust with your feelings, a friend or a therapist, can help you express your anger, especially when you cannot feel calm enough to talk directly to the person who angered you.

In this instance, you and your W have got to come together and provide a united front to your son...
My parents didn't want to face the fact I had a mental illness so it was swept under the rug...
They gave me my meds and that was it...
To this day they never even learned what I have nor what causes it nor how to diffuse it...
They don't even mention the word which I now find just sad...
Anyway...
Your son has to learn how to manage this...
With the right meds and the right techniques he will be able to control the anger...
He needs to learn some healthy coping mechanisms...
The anger may have subsided but the tension is still held inside - He has to find a way to release that (and not like I did) - Something productive - Taking a walk or playing any sport (hitting a ball, shooting baskets, throwing a Frisbee) can redirect the energy in a healthy way...
If he is in a location where he doesn't have this opportunity, he could write his feelings in a journal, listen to music, or focus his thoughts on calmer, more positive times...
Instead of cutting, I have taken to writing whatever is on my mind at that time and then burning it...
Normally I write a letter to God and then I put it in a fire pit when I am done....

Let him know that it may seem the most difficult idea to accept, but forgiving the person he is angry with and not holding a grudge against her for words or actions will help him to heal. This allows him to take control of the issue at hand for the long run and not have it control and consume him.

I hope this helps you my friend (sorry so long)...You know where I am if you want to talk.

[The Wifey]

How about you politely ask what she prefers you do? After all, if she thinks she has something better in mind, making the complaint is one thing, but suggesting something else would give you something concrete to think about and maybe even discuss.

M H was always good at criticizing my parenting, but not always good at saying what else I should do. This was only frustrating to both of us. Then I learned to say, what do you think would be better to do in this sitch?

When he came up with something concrete we could discuss it. Absent that, it was only useless, negative criticism.

You both have your reasoning, but you don't know hers and she doesn't know yours. Solutions-based. Remember that? You have problem X and that is negative. Okay, what are solutions A and B to address X?

[AlexEN]

Serenity,

Thanks for the post. Very enlightening...

I'm just not sure how equipped he is at the age of 14 to practice these skills.

One thing he has told me he is angry because W seems to point the finger of blame back at him. He resents that and says "Why should I behave" when "She doesn't see that she is making me angry." So, it's a "Why is this all on me?" feeling. He doesn't like that everyone has to accommodate her and is defiant to change his behavior patterns if she won't change hers. As an adult, I can accept that I have to change my behavior and that can have an effect on another, but from his point-of-view that is an alien thought process...

BTW, how are you doing these days? I'll check in over at your thread, but last time I did, it seemed like you were in a much, much better place.

-AlexEN