Hi everyone. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. Not even sure where to start, but here it goes. I've been with my H for 10years...married 7. He is 31 I am 33. We had some problems a few years back, but we worked through them and everything had gotten a lot better. Well due to the economy, he lost his job. I had prayed and prayed for an opportunity to come his way so he could work again...and it happened! He received a call with a job offer. Making more money than before..so we were thrilled. The downfall is the other job was in another state. We were told he wouldn't be there forever, just temporarily. So we didn't make any plans to move there. That was in February. Now it's the end of July and he is still there.While he was gone he came to visit home every few weeks. I went to visit him as well. We had a talk in June about how happy we were and how things have really improved for us. he told me he loved me and cherished me and our marriage. Well two weeks later, he started acting strange. he became very distant, quiet, just wasn't acting himself. So I asked what was wrong and he dropped the D bomb on me. Told me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. That he felt like he loved me more like a sister than a wife. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't for the life of me understand how things could change so drastically so fast. the only thing I could think of was that he met someone who put the little sparkle in his eye. Well after some prodding, he finally told me that he did meet someone. Some 24 year old and he thinks they are soulmates and in love. So I continued to try to understand what went wrong in our marriage. he said nothing went wrong, his feelings just changed. He told me he loves me, he enjoys spending time with me, he loves talking with me and that he still wants me in his life, just doesn't want to be married to me. he also told me that he thinks I am perfect and there is absolutely nothing he would change about me. I am just dumbfounded! He is in a huge rush to get divorced too. He told me he met OW in June, told me he wanted a D on 4th of July and has already contacted an attorney. So, I need help, I have no idea what to do. I love this man with all of my heart and I think he doesn't realize what the heck he is doing.
He doesn't realize I'm sure. But you also can't teach him which is the most crappy thing about these situations. What you can do is focus on yourself and recognize he is on the fence right now most likely.
It is possible this 24 year old has a husband or something else along those lines. Dunno... does he have any family or anything that may be able to put pressure on him? Not sure if you should go that route yet - but stopping infidelity probably means your relationship will have to worsen before it gets better.
Being friendly about it gives him permission to head out the door.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I am not being nice about the affair, I have told him it hurts and it is the worst thing he could have done...but I also don't try to ask about it either. I don't ask him really any questions about her at all.
I know she is single, is 24 (my H is 31) and has a 3 year old daughter and she lives in Texas...that's all I know.
He has been being pressured by his family, his friends, even his boss. They have all told him he is making a mistake by throwing away his entire life and a good marriage on a gamble with someone he barely knows. All he says is that he is happy and he is thinking about himself and his own happiness for once in his life.
We did speak about things a little yesterday, and all he ever does is defend his R with this OW. He just says this is what he wants and he has to do.
Unfortunately sometimes it is a journey or a path someone has to take before they realize what they lost. Doesn't help us - but it is true.
Amazing how scripted and rehearsed all the things sound defending these affairs. For something so chaotic and destructive they all say remarkably similar things.
We can only focus on the things we can control. Ourselves. Our relationships with our children. Our own happiness. It sounds like giving up but I don't think it is. Just letting go and seeing how things work out.
From experience I say you can drive yourself crazy focusing too much on it. I can think of numerous rational arguments you could make to your H but unfortunately he isn't listening to rational thoughts right now.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
You are so right...it is amazing how scripted things sound during affairs. Of all the books I've read on infidelity and such, I swear, all the words and lines they say you will hear are the exact words my husband has said...literally word for word. The "it's not you, it's me" and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" It's too bad the person having the affair can't see that! But I know that his head is in the clouds right now and he feels like he's right and everyone else is wrong.
You are so right...it is amazing how scripted things sound during affairs. Of all the books I've read on infidelity and such, I swear, all the words and lines they say you will hear are the exact words my husband has said...literally word for word. The "it's not you, it's me" and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" It's too bad the person having the affair can't see that! But I know that his head is in the clouds right now and he feels like he's right and everyone else is wrong.
It isn't a short journey. Stay true to yourself and your marriage and keep the faith - and however things turn out they will turn out as they should. Sometimes what we want isn't necessarily what we need.
As hard as it is, being positive, putting a good face on your life, and continuing to find joy is very important to your own well being. At first we can channel a great deal of energy into withstanding the affair when we love someone - but it eventually wears you down. No matter how strong we think we are.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
It is so, so difficult to stay positive, but I am trying my hardest. I know this is going to be a long tough road to travel. It hurts so much. It seems like I can be having a really good day, then my H calls and upsets me. I know there is no rationalizing with him right now.
Yesterday we spoke several times and all he does is defend the OW. I don't ask about her, but yesterday I told him that I appreciate the financial support he is continuing to give me, but I would also appreciate some compassion and emotional support. I told him he has literally stripped me of my happy life, my hopes and dreams. I am losing my husband, my home, everything we've worked so hard to build together is going away. He just said he isn't dwelling on it and I shouldn't either. That he is moving on with his life and I should do the same thing. I told him it's so easy for him to say that and move on because he has someone that lifts him up, makes him happy and smile. I have friends and family which have been tremendously helpful, but I don't have the emotional connection with someone like he thinks he has with OW. He continued to tell me that this is very hard on him too, and he is hurting. But after more prodding, I've realized that what he was saying was that he isn't hurting about our marriage breaking up, he is hurting because he feels like he can't commit fully to OW since he still has "baggage" with me. He is also hurting because he feels like he won't ever be able to bring OW back home to meet his family and friends because they have informed him that they would not welcome her. And that hurts, that he hurts more about her than me. Neither he nor she are the ones suffering!! I am the one who is suffering...but my feelings apparently aren't as important as hers.
In the end everyone touched by the infidelity suffers. We are all here to support each other so keep coming back. It helps.
You would probably gain more traction by focusing on yourself and going out and doing things on your own. Have a girls night out, or go to a club, dress up and go wine and dine yourself. Keep him guessing or wondering - but don't have an affair yourself during the period.
I got sucker-punched by an attorney so be sure and protect yourself.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Thank you DCBHM! I really appreciate your insight.
I would never cheat on my husband as long as we are still married...I love him too much. Not just that, but I am at a point where I cannot even imagine having feelings for or being physical with another man. It wouldn't be fair to anyone in the situation.
I have contacted an attorney, just because I don't want to have any surprises that I have to deal with alone. My H is making all these promises that he will continue to pay for our house until it is sold, that he will continue sending me money every month to pay for bills, but I am afraid that once we are divorced (which I hope doesn't happen) he will just cut me off and there will be no order in place to make him pay me. So I felt I had to get an attorney to protect my best interests. I don't want to fight with him over material things, but I don't want him to leave me high and dry with no financial support.
Depending on most states and given the length of your marriage you may be allowed some form of alimony/etc. for a set period - especially if you don't have other work or degrees.
Smart to do contacting an attorney. My W hired one who gave her the "Oh we'll hit him hard and he'll roll over spiel" which made her feel empowered as though she could just take me to the cleaners where I'd get absolutely nothing and have to pay her ridiculous amounts of money.
Don't get suckered into filing for a D unless you feel it is imminent and your interests would be best protected by filing in your home state.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
