back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

I am trying to get past these horrible feelings and it seems the only way to do that is get them out by posting...sorry for such a long brain purge.
During the D talk we discussed our financial situation. She assumed but had no real idea that we were in debit. She has put her head in the sand for the last 4 years and not paid a single bill. If there was money in the checking she would use it and didn't think about any bills. I said we will all lose out in the D. It was a sure thing.

She asked about my business opportunity I told her about a week ago. I said I was still working with the same guys on a new opportunity. It would bring more money as well as change from the job I hate. She knew I was working this for the last year and it is finally starting to come together. This was part of our long term plan to get ready for her to go back to work or go to school next year. I said now that we are getting a D I will have to turn it down. I said we would not have any benefits for a while and I couldn't afford cobra for a 3 month period. The money would be small for the first few months during start up.

W said I should take it so that my current job doesn't kill me. I cant keep putting her and the kids first. Stop worrying about them and take a chance for a change. She said I need to be alive to walk my daughter down the isle when she gets married. I said the job would require me to move to another state. I didn't want to leave my kids. Also with the D happening her lawyer would eat me alive during the divorce for leaving. She said let's move then. The family would relocate. It didn't matter.

We talked about separation and how I was not really sure what that buys us. I said divorce would be ugly it always is. There is a winner and a loser. In most cases I would be the loser as I would not see my kids every day and she would. She said it would only be ugly if we made it that way. She only wants whats good for the kids and doesn't want to hurt me. We both have to keep that in mind and that the kids need their dad in their lives.

W said she thought we would be having this discussion about a year from now. She had hoped that after that time I would realize that this was not a good marriage and then we could proceed with a D. She was waiting for me to come around to the idea of this being a bad marriage. I said it is what we make of it.

She said she gets overwhelmed with all the things she has to do. She feels tired, panic stricken, unhappy and a feeling of being overwhelmed. She doesn't know what happy feels like because of the anxiety. W has to make lists of things she has to do to keep track of them. Then when she sees the list she gets overwhelmed. She is not depressed just suffering from anxiety. It has been for about a year.

She has been on her meds for 6 weeks and they just boosted it up by 2x. She says she is just getting to a point where she might be able to see things clearly and not panic and be able to make decisions. She was glad that the dosage has been increased to help her get through school.

I said how can she be certain about only one thing; our not being happy. She doesn't know what happy feels like and cant but cant face the simple everyday task that lay before her each day. She said she doesn't know if all the little nit picky things that bother her about me are related o the anxiety. She said they are so small but she winds them up and cant get past them. She did not elude to what they were.

Then W said she is certain about one thing that we will not be happy if we stay married.

I played the good listener. It was so hard. I asked just those couple of questions in a 2 hour span. It ended with her saying how can we be friends. She doesn't know how to be close to me and not have it misinterpreted as other feelings. She said it is so important for us to be friends. I said I don't know the answer to that I would have to think about it.