Big problem

[Mindy85]

I met my husband in December 08 on the end of a previous relationship. I married him in January 09 but unfortunately I did not officially end things with my previous boyfriend. (I will explain in the next part about this erratic behavior.) The boyfriend lived overseas at the time. I had fears about ending it with him because of the vast family/friend ties involved in our relationship. The boyfriend's sister was my mom's bestfriend's wife. The sister and husband are also my mom's neighbors who I'd live next door to for years. During the course of the relationship his sister caused loads of drama by telling everyone that the boyfriend was cheating on me overseas and saying awful things about me. To compound the situation was the fact that I never felt like the boyfriend cared when I'd tell him what was going on. Nor did I ever get told "I love you" or shown any affection. So, needless to say, I'd let the guy go, but just hadn't broke things off with him out of fear that the sister would cause major problems for me, my mom and her bestfriend.
Now, I was with my husband constantly during our relationship. It wasn't perfect but I felt more from him in the time before we were married than I did in almost a year with my boyfriend. I even followed him to another state bc he is in the military and was planning on moving with him. At the time I was also on medication from depression that severly messed with my mental state. I did a lot of other things (besides getting married to someone in less than a month) that eventually got me in trouble with the law. At the time I got arrested the boyfriend had come to visit. He had planned for months to stay with me and I allowed him to with the intentions of breaking up with him when he left because I'd be moving and hopefully be able to avoid the drama. When I was arrested of course my husband and boyfriend found out about each other.
When I got out I of course chose my husband as the person I wanted to be with. But unfortunately still being in a diminished mental state I couldn't handle all the problems my infidelity had caused. When he went back to his state I refused to talk to him because I didn't want to fight. My husband then threatened divorce. I had lost a lot of my memory of the past 6 months due to the medication, but apparently I'd slept with the boyfriend while he was here. Soon after being out I found out I was pregnant. Fearing that it was the child of the boyfriend I went back to him.
After months of therapy, I've been told that the medication more than likely made me develop split personalities. Which accounted for my lost memory and the ability to have 2 different relationships and not knowing I was cheating.
My problem is that after being off meds for a while, I am back to normal and pretty much mentally healthy. I now realize the mistake I made in leaving my husband for the boyfriend just because I was pregnant. I realize now that I do not love the boyfriend, but went back out of a feeling of obligation. I've tried explaining everything to my husband. I know he is still very hurt and angry at me. I know he has every right to be, but I want him back. I've tried telling him how I feel about him, but he is still focused on the fact that I went back to the boyfriend before. We have not officially filed for divorce. We had several friendly conversations last week, but when I started talking about my feelings and our past, he got defensive and says it was my choice. I am 7 months pregnant. There is a possibility that the baby is my husbands, but I don't know.

Is there any chance at saving my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Too much drama -- I lost track after the first "paragraph" or so.

I'm sorry, I can't follow this.

Puppy

[DCBHM]

I'd get yourself into therapy and have a professional guide you through this.

[wifeleft2009]

interesting I think i follow the story.. if he is still talking to you it sounds good but!!!!!

I would say your head has to be spinning still. there is so much going on right now for everyone

I would agree that you go to seek a professional. now is the tricky part with the professional.... DONT HIDE ONE SINGLE THING! tell them every last horrific detail and thought. that is the only and i mean only way you will get what is best for you out of this. so many people just share whats on the surface and never get into the real meat of there problems. this might get you feeling better for now but i can tell you years later it WILL haunt you and cause problems again most likely worse problems

[bluerain]

Wow, mindy you have yourself in a pickle!

Well I think that your H is probably very angry with you. And he has every right to be. That being said; you need to be worrying about yourself and your baby right now. You are 7 months pregnant. Worry about that, regardless of what happens with the marriage, or boyfriend, you will deal with this child for the rest of your life, right now, that should be your focus.

The military has some really good resources, I think that its FOH, or Work/life but you are entitiled to 5 or 6 sessions, confidential, with a therapist, and at any time, your H can join you in those sessions. (Im a military wife as well)

Im glad that hes still talking to you, hopefully thats a good sign. If you honestly dont remember these things, he might be able to find forgivness a little easier. But I have to say, I dont completely believe that you can blame this entire thing on your meds. And I think that you are making a mistake by not accepting responsibility for this and allowing it all to fall on the drugs. You might be surprised at how you taking accountability for this will affect him, you dont just get off scott-free when you do something stupid when you are blacked-out drunk, do you?

Its going to be really, really hard for your H to see past this, you have to remember that you dont have years of positive memories punctuated by one horrific incident. You have less than a year of even knowing eachother. You have to be patient with this. And hopefully start creating new memories that will remind him about the woman that he fell in love with.

I think that it would be a really good idea for you to have a plan about an eventuality where your H, and the COLA and tricare wont be there. Just in case. You can be acting As-if your H will come home and you will live happily ever after, but you have a baby to worry about now, so you need to be figuring out how to be independent, just in case. And, no matter what happens in your M, I dont think that making some preparations is a bad thing.

Are you going to seek DNA testing? Is there a significant feature that will tell you whos baby it is?

[KarenR]

Hi Mindy,
I am sorry you have such a difficult situation. I agree with some of the other posters....work with a professional that can guide you to some solutions. Our coaches are experts in helping you come up with a plan that can help you see your way to the best possible outcome. If you call me, I do have a suggestion of which coach would be best for you. Take good care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
Karen