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Wifey, funny, she just now texted me asking how long the deacon has known. I told her its been a couple of months, and that he checks in from time to time to see how we are. I told her that I didn't seek him out, he found me crying in church one morning, and I told him why. I also told her that he would never say anything to anyone. SHe hasn't replied.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
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Posts: 870
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Was it a good idea to tell her the truth? I don't want lies to be part of our R right now as it is teetering on failure. But what if the truth pushes us over the edge? She hasn't responded at all.
OK, that was just putting down on "paper" what is running through my mind. Now, how to deal with it. I plan on not bringing it up again. It isn't her concern who I speak to, and she knows it won't go further than him. I didn't want anyone we know together to know what is going on, but it was a weak moment when he approached me. I told her i didn't let her know that the deacon knew because I didn't want her to think I was running around telling everyone we know.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
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Quote:
Was it a good idea to tell her the truth? I don't want lies to be part of our R right now as it is teetering on failure. But what if the truth pushes us over the edge?


O, I learned from Sandi that you should not lie to her. But, you don't have to tell her everything. You can be vague or limit what you tell her and not be dishonest.

As for the truth pushing your M over the edge, I don't think one anything will push it over the edge. As long as you are doing the right thing for you, then that is what is important. B/c in the end, you want a healthy R based on the real YOU, not someone you are trying to be for your W.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current
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Thanks, GIMA. I have a very severe problem of over-analyzing and reading between the lines, and what-ifs...
She asked, and I told her. For better or for worse, I didn't lie or deceive her. I may very well have lost her already anyway, but you are right, I am doing for me what is important.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3,844
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You have to let go of the analyzing stuff. Trust me, I understand. But, I also know, now, that it is such a waste of your emoiton and energy. It will sap your strength.

Detach. Let it go man. And it shall set you free.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
Current
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 870
O
Orich Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2008
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I wish I could detach fully. It is so hard, especially after some of the last few days. The days we had the parties were great, almost like old times. Of course, my birthday and our anniversary sucked, but whenever I get a positive vibe from her, I get sucked in. I try to fight it, but it is hard. I did have one interaction with her about parking my car behind her dad's car (he lives in the apt. on our house) long story, but normally I would just apologize even though I was not at fault for anything. This time I made sure she knew I wasn't rolling over.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 287
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I have been following your sitch with great interest. I am sorry that you are back in here. I had much hope when you had busted your divorce only to be back here.

I am new to this board, but i have been reading soooo much info on this kind of stuff for a while now.

I do notice one thing and i could be wrong about this, so bare with me. I understand that I don't know you personally or even your wife personally but it seems to me that she still controls much of the situation. Is this a correct assumption? If not I apologize.

But if it is, have you tried being more of a leader? I have read a lot of Sandi's posts and she makes a lot of sense in that area. IT seems to me that after we get that bite of hope, we cradle it like its made out of glass, afraid to drop it. Don't be afraid.
Be fearless.
Maybe this will help:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And when we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.


My sitch- http://tinyurl.com/nth74d
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Thanks, undrdg. It does help a bit. I am still not 100% in the DB area, and you said it brilliantly. I do treat the positive things as made of glass. I use them to hold on. I want so badly for my W to love me again that any and everything I could possibly use to help get that back becomes extremely important to me and I focus so much attention on it. Believe it or not, I was worse in this area than I am now. But I am not fully there yet.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 287
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Posts: 287
Orich
Man i know exactly what you are saying. But know this. Your wife won't love the glass handler. She will love the fearless you.
There is a saying that i am using as my mantra:
Do not strike the iron while it is hot
Rather Make the Iron hot by Striking It.

What i mean by that is. Flirt. play hard to get. Don't let her know you are reading into everything, even tho you are.
Above all else make her laugh!
I was reading this book called HOw to improve your Marriage Without talking about it. This situation is exactly what they are talking about.
It is your shame vs her fear. What one has to do is use your shame's power against itself. How do you do this?
Write down your core values. THe things that most important to you as a human being and follow them. Always ask, is what i am about to do consistent with your core values?

Another awsome quote for ya, courtesy of the Office:
When you are about to do something stupid, ask yourself this"
Would an Idiot do what I am about to do? If yes, then I do not do that thing.

One more thing that i think might help, as it is helping me too:
1. Respect her
2. Listen to her
3. Express confidence in her.
4. Help her as much as u can.
5. Touch her more, but try to make it affectionate nonsexual touches.
6. Above all else, step into her pain.

Peace out brotha.


My sitch- http://tinyurl.com/nth74d
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Why do I have this feeling of dread right now? I shouldn't let anything bother me this way. I just ate lunch and I feel like I might lose it. Was that texting that significant? I have a lot more work to do on this DBing. Like undrdg said, I am cradling this interaction and putting too much onto it. I guess it is because she hasn't written back, so I don't know what she is thinking right now. I shouldn't be caught up in that.
undrdg, I have been trying those things you wrote at the end there. The touching part is hard. But I do show her respect, I listen, and tell her she is doing a good job when she expresses doubt at her job. I have been running around for her to get the parties ready, and clean up afterwards. And I try to see this from her point of view. It is difficult, but I do have an idea of what she is going through.


Me-40
W-41
Together-10
M-8
S-6
S-4
Bomb 5/08
Bomb 10/08
Thought things were better, was wrong.
Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
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