Hey everyone, I've been moving house for 3 weeks..in now though! So I couldnt get online until today and I started a new job last week! A pretty decent one as it goes, thank goodness. Also, my BFF has been here for 2 weeks.. so its been madly hectic. I felt guilty for not being here reading along!
Tonnes has happened, lots of conversations (I have grilled him in fact, I have been at that stage of wanting to know everything). I discovered that ow didnt like this house so was rarely here. That she lived at home and didnt spend alot of time with him, but quite a bit. That she was 'cross' at him as time went on and shouted at him (as he said, probably because she could tell he wasnt that into her and not over his ex and that was her way of handling her fristration). He was aware it was our anniversary on the day and was upset but doenst remember/know why he never replied to my email taht day. That he didnt enjoy valentines or make it special, they did go out for a drink and ended up having "a massive row" when they got home about nothing. He had already decided it was over with her, but was incapable of doing it at that point.
That she loved him, but he never loved her. That they mainly watched TV but went out a bit, never cooked together nice meals..as she couldnt cook. That he never stopped thinking about me or stopped loving me.
As a WAS, that he doesnt remember the times he didnt reply to texts/emails for days/a week (so that wasnt deliberate) he was just in a mess and in a R and felt terribly guilty ad confused. That he said he "was in hell"... that last spring, he would laugh one minute and cry the next, 3 times even at his desk at work and people saw. That he HAS NO IDEA why he decided to ditch me and date her last summer.. he says he cannot explain, it was a moment of madness, a bad decision, a mistake, a nightmare "Like a bad dream" that he wishes he could erase. He said THEIR R nice feels like a distant memory, whereas our R, prebomb feels wierdly more recent.
He said he cannot explain or give answers.. he doesnt know what he was thinking or feeling last summer, except (when I pressd him to explain).. that he was like a compass, that instead of pointing N, it was spinning around and around (classic, heard that description somewhere else, in the books maybe?) that he didnt know who he was even. He said he never stopped loving me but only realised this with hindsight. He says he is content now and happy and loves me and he would never ever in a million years make a crazy decision like that again, that he has learnt his lesson, that he learnt "a million things" when we were apart.
I said I feel lucky to have won him back. He says HE is the lucky one, I could have said "F you" and sailed off with someone else, that he worried I would all the time, but was incapable of doing anything about it for months. He says he worries taht I will now leave him and that I am too good for him, that I have goodness oozing out of every pore, that I am amazing, beautiful etc etc...
Its so wierd, its like a dream. I am getting used to it now and it feels more equal. I have quizzed him and gone over alot of the hurt and questions as to why he did stuff (largely, he cant explain). I found LOTS of photos... all boring, except ONE of them together in the first month.. smiling, hugging on the coast path at MY FAVOURITE BEACH, GRR! THats the only one I havent told him I found yet.. she had printed it off for him, its in a box by the bed. I found 2 pics of her smiling, tousled, in bed..on the 5th, the eclipse, same day as Maria (?).. but he was upset about it, he thought he had deleted all the pics, and sadly those 2 remained on his PC!!! His BMF G told me how upset he was. I found boxes of condoms and just calmly asked him to bin them, he was very upset to have upset me, but I was nice about it! Ditto the photos, said he didnt have to delete them by any means, if he didnt want to, just get them off our PC.
He worries about me all the time now and is very loving. My mobile died and I was MIA for 3 hours on Saturday afternoon.. he called the hospitals !!!! Insane. I said.. but you didnt even see me for FOUR months last year and now all this???? He cant explain, its like.. he's just 'back', back from the brink, the depression, the WAS syndrome, the MLC, who knows.. he seems fine, relieved, in love and like its all now receeding into just bad memories. He hugs and kisses me all day long.
I feel so grateful and glad and still a little wierded out, but then, ours was a dramatic classic case of someone flipping out and ditching the love of their life for no good reason during a severe depression, so maybe its not so surprising we are ok again. But that we are sooo ok and so quickly is wierd!
Sorry for the download, I just wanted to get it off my chest! I feel odd posting seeing as everything is just so normal and fine. But then I wanted you all to know, it really is like some brain fart, or madness, or like they get possessed and they are not themselves.. thats certainly the message I am getting.
I thnk you all so much for all your help here, I really couldnt have done it without you!! Wow, I was so lonely back then and this board was a lifeline, full of friends. Love and happiness, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
