I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Hi Everyone!

June, thanks so much for stopping by!! I agree with you about getting over things ASAP but I also agree with SD about not wallowing and making the choice not to GAL instead. I think its important though to strike a balance between the two - allow myself to feel the pain, even though it may take months or years, yet not letting that pain control my life. I get highs and lows every single day. But I think the important thing is that I am aware of my lows and I try very, very hard to bring myself back up. Now I may not be very good at it, but each time I try, it gets just a bit easier and thats progress for me. Slowly, but surely.

Jeff and Mac - Trust me, I'm not going to eff this one up! I have made far too many mistakes in terms of contacting him and what I should be saying so this time, I'm taking all of your advice because I know you guys are right. I won't think about him anymore than I already have. I'm thinking about me now. ME ME ME! Selfish B!

journaling..
So I just got back from the market, I am so beat! But I won't take a nap because I have learned from the last 2 times that I feel very depressed when I wake up after naps. So I'm learning from my mistakes. No nap today! Just off to bed earlier tonight. Haven't emailed H. Won't email H. Had highs and lows while I was at the market. I actually cried when I was in the car on the way there. I don't know why. A just got a sudden wave of overwhelming sadness and I couldn't hold it in. I only cried for like 2 minutes though and forced myself to stop after that. I had very little energy so when I arrived, I was dreading setting everything up but once I got into it, my energy levels spiked and I was good to go. It was good to be out and talk to people but I still got the occasional sadness wave but faked being happy so people would buy my stuff! Muahahaha!

The highlight of my day.. a guy came up to me and said "you are absolutely gorgeous! I just wanted to tell you that.." and he walked away. How sweet! So all in all, it was a good morning. The weather wasnt great but there were still loads of people. I made about $200, not the $300 I was aiming for but still great!! Especially since what I sold was junk that I didn't want.

Later on my BF called me to check up on me because I called her crying yesterday when all those emails came from H and she wasn't around so she wanted to see how I was doing which was really nice. We may go out later if she can head here from the city. Would be nice to see her again.

I rewarded myself with an iced coffee today! It may not seem like much but these days, its an absolute luxury. That's how tight money is for me right now. And I'm addicted to coffee so you can imagine how hard it is for me not to drink it. I also stay away since H left because I didn't want to be awake in the middle of the night and feel really lonely. But since I only got 2 hours of sleep, I'm thinking this iced coffee would have minimal effects.

Later on I have to pack up more ebay items to be sent out tomorrow..and I have decided that I need to return the new bike I just bought I need the money more. I bought it because I didn't think I would be moving into the city anytime soon since no one wanted to cosign for me and now that I am, I could use the money more than the bike. I'll get it again soon. It'll be a gift to myself when I reach my first weight loss goal!

[beepee]

I made a mistake in the first paragraph, I mean I agree with June about not liking comments about getting over it ASAP, but also agree with SD about GAL instead of wallowing etc. My mistake, thats what 2 hours of sleep does to you!

[beepee]

music is so beautiful

[karen43]

So no one here is encouraging you to get over it immediately. Rather, we are encouraging you to take ACTIONS which will HELP you get over it sooner rather than later.


SD

Awesome post, SD! That is such good advice. You take actions and do all the stuff that helps you to get over depression: exercise, GALing, doing some fun stuff, yeah getting the iced coffee, being with friends, etc. I did fake it at first, but then gradually more and more you do wind up getting less depressed and have better PMA.

Karen

[The Wifey]

And don't forget to journal, BEEPEE. You can say anything in your journal. You can be non-DB, you can write out what you would say to H, you can yell at him, cuss at him, etc. Get it all out so it isn't inside of you.

I love that you are fighting so hard for YOURSELF! I am so proud of you.

[beepee]

Thanks so much guys, I'm so grateful for all of your support! I feel much, much better today. But I know I'm going to feel depressed tomorrow because my other brother and his wife (they visit every weekend) leave tomorrow and I always feel sad because the house is empty and quiet again. I don't like the silence in this house, its too eerie. Can't play music too loud because my mom is still recovering from surgery.

Anyway, I just returned my bike to Wal-Mart. Boohooooo. But its Ok. I have an extra hundred bucks now. Oh! Crazy stuff. You know how I said I put stuff up on ebay, the rest of the stuff that was left over from my business? Well in that last few emails, he mentioned my ebay items and how they were looking good and hope I made a lot of money from them. Thats like the first time EVER that he has looked/snooped at something I did. I hope he doesn't know the password to it. Yikes, he might. Anyway, I don't know if he checks my facebook like I do or not. I'm sure he does. And of course he knows I do. But it just gave me some sort of satisfaction knowing that he IS curious about what I have been doing and have checked up on me that one time..

Enough about that. I'm in a good mood right now. Lots of stuff to do tomorrow that should keep me busy for a long while. Will aslo squeeze in a walk as well to the post office lugging all my packages. Good workout!! The best thing about this walk to the PO is passing by this small run down auto repair shop and they have like 3 small vintage cars in red and yellow and I absolutely adore them. They are SO cute! Even though I don't drive, I can imagine myself in them with the top down and my hair blowing in the wind! I'm so going to get me one of those when I learn how to drive!

I'm really proud of myself for not taking a nap because I feel sleepy now and its perfect. I can sleep in a few minutes and wake up early and start working on all my projects. Going to make it a good day tomorrow despite the house going quiet and lonely again. Lots of stuff to do, only 3 weeks left before I move!! I'm so excited, I can't wait! I've been waiting for awhile for this to come my way and my perseverance paid off!

Thank you to everyone who has chimed in about NOT EMAILING THE H! Because I feel so much better when I dont. This is the first time ever that he will not get a reply from me. I wonder how he is going to take it. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back with something like .. "well I guess this is a sign that you don't want anything to do with me anymore etc etc and I guess I'm going back to Ireland since you wont sign the papers, i'm sorry it turned out this way ...etc etc!"

I'm quite excited to see how he reacts to my lack of communication. He always expects a VERY LONG email from me RIGHT AFTER I receive his email. This is a complete 180 for me and I hope the effects aren't negative. But I know it takes A LOT of time. I just feel like it I have a deadline .. AUG 31st because that's when he has to leave. But theres no way we are going to solve anything in that timeframe so I shouldn't even think about it. As of right now, I have to move on and continue living my life as if he is no longer a part of it because to be honest, thats seems to be an inevitable reality. We'll see. Things change. I believe in change. I believe in positive change. I believe in love.

[beepee]

I just got an email from a friend of mine and she told me that her brother ran into my H in the city. Blah. So he's definitely in the city.....I wonder what they talked about it. AGh who cares. Not an email I want to receive before going to bed but I'm not going to let it get to me. The reason this bothers me is that my H didn't tell the truth to my friend's brother about our breakup and I had to tell them what happened. BLAH

[beepee]

Sucky morning

Why do I do this to myself?
I checked his MS page and his FB and theres a girl on both of those pages. He only lets people he's close with on his FB and this girl is on there now I think he's dating someone now.

ARGH. I'm only doing this to myself.
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!!

[beepee]

I'm SOOOO tempted to email my friends brother and ask him if he knows whether H is dating someone now. If anyone would know, it would be him because we don't have mutual friends, he's the only connection I have to H. Sigh..

[mishka422]

Beeps......

You didn't have to tell them anything. The only exception to that would be if he was telling some malicious lie about you as the reason that you are separated.

You know this already, but don't let anyone else's opinion or rumor about your R define you or control you. YOU control you.

Happy Monday!