Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[Dawn of Hope]

FG,
Good grief. He is spinning faster than an ice skater doing pirouettes. Have you read "Midlife for Dummies" on this forum? Most of the stuff you posted about what he says and does is mentioned in there. WAS wants to pretend that the decision for separation was mutual, doesn't believe your changes are real and lasting, yadda yadda yadda. <yawn> It's all in the MLC script.

The one thing H can get me on is the kids. Threatening to tell them "all about us" is something he has done in the past. He knows I am afraid of that because I know just how devastating it would be for them to hear of S in that way

I never offer advice on kids, not having had any and therefore not feeling qualified, but I will say that you do not have control over what/when/how he chooses to tell them. You can pre-empt him by telling them yourself in whatever way you choose, or you can make requests (preferably only if he brings up the issue), but remember, you CANNOT control him. All you can do is plan your damage control if he does something other than what you hope for here. Think about this: what are your available options here?

Next topic: I am not an advocate of bringing up separation or encouraging it in any way, but I know not everyone here feels the same way. Even though I know that for me it is more peaceful without my H living here and rubbing my nose in his...stuff...every day, I never felt good about the prospect of telling him he needed to make a decision to stay and work on M (and give up OW) or move out. I am still convinced that if I had told him that, pushed the issue, he would have worked it around in his mind and ended up blaming me for "forcing" him to leave his home. Ultimatums can be very tricky, and it sounds like that is where you are headed because you have brought it (separation) up.

If I were in your position, I would stop bringing up separation at all or taking any action toward it (i.e. mediator). If/when he brings it up, I would simply say that it isn't what I want, but it is entirely his choice. Then stop, and don't say anything further about it, just repeat what you said as needed. However, that is my preference, and other posters may have a different opinion on the best course of action, which is fine. I don't think this is a totally clear-cut issue.

I`ve been thinking a lot about enabling. My role in enabling H`s anger.Even calm me gets H angry.

NO. He gets himself angry. Yes, you need to stop anything you are doing that would encourage legitimate anger--it would be unkind and irresponsible to neglect this step on your part--but as a rule, his emotions are his responsibility.

I think moving towards S is necessary as he needs to think about it as something real, not just out there, and all the negatives that go with that. He may even need to be sitting on an orange crate in his rented appt to get what he has lost.And to begin dealing with his anger.

Perhaps. But if you "help" him out the door (although you may believe you are doing nothing of the sort, I believe that bringing it up at all, making mediator appointments, and so on, does "pressure" him), he will focus more of his energy on resenting you for "forcing" him out, IMHO.

Okay, folks, any advice on next step?

I feel like letting the dust settle and seeing what H will be like when I return. Won`t see him till Weds evening. So some questions:-
Should I have mediator appt ready and bring it up then?
Or let the dust settle a little longer?

Leave it alone entirely...see above.

Living with H`s anger is very draining so maybe his leaving would be the best thing to force change?

Understood that it is draining. We have all been there. But if he leaves, it needs to be clear TO HIM that it is his choice. I think I've made my point on this, so won't yammer further.

Is there anything else I can say or do to unstick him?

Sure. If you are ready to write off your M entirely, you can easily firebomb it and eliminate the whole egg, not just the eggshells you have been tippytoeing on. If, however, you still have hopes of reconciliation, you need to remember that this is on HIS timetable, not yours, and you can only make it WORSE by your actions...not better.

Am I working LRT properly?

I don't feel qualified to answer this one. Snodderly?

I hope this helps. Wishing you the best...

Peace,
Dawn