Forrest, what word should I have chosen? The magnitude of the deceit, is not uncommon on these boards and I hate to sound like I am special and that shouldn't happen to me, was shocking. I guess my real problem is what my close people tell me: I thought HE was different. I thought he was special, I thought he wasnt capable of all that he did. I thought I was married to a man with morals, boundaries, integrity.
I am here and the weather sucks. Rain and cold today. That's how I feel. Abandoned and alone and beaten and humiliated and disrespected and ...and...and
The pain I am now feeling is different. Yes, I knew all along something was up with her, but NO I didnt even think once that the reason we had problems was connected to her. I thought it was the other way around. August 2006 when I found the lump on my breast he was worried sick and told he would die if he'd lost me. He was ALREADY flirting, dating her. December 1st she goes to his newspaper and the [censored] and I read all the details, December 16 we go to Munich and have a lousy time and he later tells me that was an indication for him things were bad. See the irony? How could we possible have a good time when he was in love with her?
I dont know which parts of me I need to take care first. I dont know how I will ever find the strength to forgive. How the hell will I be able to coparent with him and NOT make it obvious I cant stand looking at him.
I dont know how to make all the loving feelings towards him of the life we had obsolete. I dont know if you understand that. I dont want to be able to eel anything good about our life together that has to do with him. Even of years ago.
I have been reading many books, struggling to find ways to get rid of the weight I feel on my chest, forcing myself to eat, trying to sleep, hiding my tears from my kids. I talked to my C. Just like everyone else she didn't expect that. She too, apologized to me for telling me once during MC that I was stuck on that woman and jeopardizing the reconciliation. She told me to focus on now and forget the past and future. It's hard to do. She told me that he created in his head a story about our M that allowed him to act free of moral and ethical boundaries.
He hasnt been contacting the kids. I once had them call him but since they are not asking for him, I dont remind them to "call daddy".
My mom is ok, better. She said she went nuts for 24 hours and now she is "handling it".
This time is all a strictly internal process. And it is harder. K
