Spent most of last night awake and in tears. Yes, I needed to do that;I`ve been too upbeat for just too long. I know I hold the fate of my three kids in my hands and that scares me hugely. Anyway, I`ve taken the advice here and just asked H this am for clarification on what he wants (S or not)following on from Sat`s `discussion`.
That almost led to a row.
H:I`m in the same position that you were in five months ago. FG:What was that? H:You were on the floor pleading with me to leave FG:You weren`t on the floor pleading with me to leave last Sat-you were standing over me threatening to choke me
H started to tremble and almost cry when he heard"what you are accusing me of". Started to get angry then but I managed to calm him and tell him it wasn`t about his anger on Sat but I wanted clarification on his position now on whether he wanted S. and if so we should proceed onto the next step.
I explained that my position had changed, that I had hope now but that I accepted if he had none and would not hold back if he wanted to S.
He got annoyed at that and tried to get me to accept that out S decision was mutual. I said S is never mutual between two people-one always wants it more than another but that I would accept his position if he wanted it.
He said a couple of times that he felt like "slumming it out here" I asked for clarification on that and he said living the way we are now, both hating each other.
I told him I don`t hate him.
I said he could see that I had changed over the last few months(yipee!) but that that was no good because I had only changed for me(huh?) and not for us.That in our R I was the same.(ok someone explain that one to me...) And anyhow, while he was happy for me that I had changed that he hasn`t got it in him to change himself.
I asked if I should proceed with making an appt for mediation(for agreeing terms of S) now. He acknowledged that while he didn`t go to our first attempt at mediation a few months ago that he would now and yes, for me to proceed.He said that, knowing appt for the free mediation service here take 3-4 mths but I threw a spanner in the works, I said I could get a private legal mediator a lot quicker and it would be better to go for that one.
H baulked at that. Asked how much that would cost, I said I didn`t know. I know money isn`t an issue for him-the speed of our proceeding is.
I`m going down to my brothers for a couple of days and before he left H started his usual-why don`t you stay down there for a week nonsense and getting angry again as he was heading off to work. I did my fingers in ears thing and, when he stopped, then said"Look, in friendship H, I`m asking you to just go and enjoy you day"
My reading of the above is that H is still stuck.He`s stuck in anger(for which he blames me) and indecision. He feeds his anger off my getting angry or upset(didn`t get that today either) He feeds his indecision off my taking control(which historically I have done).
This morning I`ve made it very clear that he is perfectly free to make his own decision on S, that I will not hold him back or make it hard for him to stay.
He was very emotional this am. Because I caught him unawares he didn`t have time to build up a head of steam but instead showed more of his hurt side.I expect he will cry on the way to work. He needs to.
I`ve been thinking a lot about enabling. My role in enabling H`s anger.Even calm me gets H angry. I think moving towards S is necessary as he needs to think about it as something real, not just out there, and all the negatives that go with that. He may even need to be sitting on an orange crate in his rented appt to get what he has lost.And to begin dealing with his anger. He has truly morphed into his Dad.No, that`s not good news.
Okay, folks, any advice on next step?
I feel like letting the dust settle and seeing what H will be like when I return. Won`t see him till Weds evening. So some questions:- Should I have mediator appt ready and bring it up then? Or let the dust settle a little longer? Living with H`s anger is very draining so maybe his leaving would be the best thing to force change? Is there anything else I can say or do to unstick him? Am I working LRT properly?
