I wonder if it is common theme that they want to be children again.
Thats all I see in this - she just wants me to revert back to being a child. She hasn't spoken to me about this either - its like she just can't focus.
oh yeah, W does taxes and this year she put off so many people were getting pissed! even her family was so mad at her I dont think next year much if anyone will go back to her. she filed for ext. for alot of people including ours because she was putting them off. (I filed mine sep. cuz they never got done) seems like everything she puts off and forgets about. i sent a certifed letter to her for the forms she signed and wanted yet she never picked it up. tomarrow is her last day then they mail it back. she bounces checks now... its so typical of these MLC to get so indebt its hard to belive they will ever amount to anything again. heck she has not paid for any of the court ordered daycare costs... so we go for that then child support
i know this looks like a unhopeful out look for you but the best thing i can say is be prepared everytime i think she cant do anything worse she does!
i dont know whats left but im sure she will sit in jail befor too long. it's just sad since we were pretty good then she hit MLC and flushed our hopes and dreams.
GAL now thats the best i can say. do a 180 but i would not push anything.
A couple of questions: 1. Is there anything I can do to try and relieve the situation now ? 2. Should I try and reconnect to her - eg talk / try for a date / anything / go for a walk ?
A couple of questions: 1. Is there anything I can do to try and relieve the situation now ? 2. Should I try and reconnect to her - eg talk / try for a date / anything / go for a walk ?
1. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (Two points if you can name the movie that quote comes from!) Have you read DB/DR and the MLC resources? (Apologies if you have already said so.) If not, do so IMMEDIATELY. NB: Do NOT leave any traces of the books or this site for her to find, however! Also...can you be more specific about what aspect of the situation particularly concerns you? What would you like to relieve?
2. NO. NO. NO. Be kind and polite, but give her space. Drop the rope. If you try to pull her closer at this point, she will actually distance herself from you more. Do not initiate any R talk (goes hand in hand with the "no begging/pleading/crying" rule). To the extent possible, don't give her anything in your current behavior to latch onto that you are doing "wrong." (She will very likely find something about you to criticize regardless, but try to make sure it will have to be something that is either in the past, or is not a valid complaint [MLCers find the most insane things to complain about regarding their spouses...if I remember correctly, one longtime poster on these boards was told by her H that he was leaving her because he didn't like her hair and he didn't like how often she served peas! Of course the fact that he was sleeping with someone else had nothing to do with it...! ].)
Hang in there!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
As for relieving the situation it is probably a little better in that I am in my bed and she slept their last night as well. I'd love to see her focus less on going out till all hours and more on me & the kids but hey what can I do.
I'm giving her heaps of space - she gets home at 4:30 and I say did you have a good night.
First of all, This is NOT going a be a short ride for you....You like Rollercoasters ?
You won't soon....
IF she is MLC, there are certain things you need to wrap your brain around.
Thinking that there is something that YOU can do. You need to realize that this is HER path to walk, and you need to step back and let her walk it. But this also can be the time for YOU to find yourself as well..
Counseling will only work if SHE wants it to work, If she is still in there somewhere, actually WANTING to make this work right now.
Unless you have a counselor that is REALLY well versed in MLC, I wouldn't put a lot of creedence in that working, and that is not entirely a bad thing for now. This has to be HER choice to make, and doesn't necessarily mean she is making an effort. Just another avenue to justify her position for many that have tried.
I would ,however reccomend YOU finding a councelor for you...Someone to talk things through with and understands MLC script.
Right now , There are things that you can do for yourself, and you need to do those. Your children need to be number one for you, they need a constant in their lives, it sucks, but that constant is YOU....
MLC'ers lie....Bottom line....
Don't believe anything you hear, and about half of what you see.
But you do need to listen carefully to the complaints. Although they are magnified, they are real and what she believes the problems where. Take a hard look in the mirror, and see what your role in the breakdown was, cause believe it or not, YOU did play a role in this.
There will be a certain amount of crap that you HAVE to take for a while, until the anger wears off. Just listen and validate. Let her rant and spew her crap. Validate the points that need validating.
Is this something you can do ?
Is this something you want ?
Is this something that you can handle ?
When is enough ?
All of those answers are INSIDE of you.....
Nobody here can answer those for you. Nor should you want us to.
Focus on what you can do for you and the children for now. That is all you can do.
Although it doesn't feel like it now, there will come a day when you will be thankful of this process for YOU....
You have to do the work for yourself though....
Common theme ?
Read some threads and archives....Although we are such different entities as people, there is a script that MLC'ers follow. Most of the time it is scary that there may actually be a manual for it.
Have you read the resource page with MLC for Dummies yet ?
It's like a freakin checklist that they ALL seem to follow....
There is very little that you can tell anyone here that would send us into shock. Most of us here have seen and heard things that you wouldn't believe now, but will in the future...
Buckle up 73.....
A couple things to ponder though....
After reading and understanding MLC. ( and I hope you have read the resourses, and DB and DR )
Can you truly do the work on yourself, and are you capable of forgiving her?
Cause if you are not, and cannot be a forgiving soul, then you should re-evaluate your stance...
Standing is a decision, one that will slap you in the face every F-N day ....
So much of what you have said rings 100% true. She is lying atm, she wants a seperation / space desperately and is going to tell the counsellor just that & give her exxagerated reasons (so I doubt the counsellor will help but your right in that I may get some help), all my faults are exxagerated - yes they are true but she is only focussed on my faults.
10 years together + 2 kids 7 & 5 and she is going out till 2-4 am twice per week and on the internet / phone the rest of the time and it is all my fault. This in the space of 2 months.
Yes I have been doing some reading on MLC and I'm still unsure what to do. I'm tempted to just roll with it (& probably end up divorced) but that is why I am getting the counsellor involved - I really need advice on what is the best way to handle this.
I know a couple of things: 1. Some of her comments hurt. She simply does not have a balanced viewpoint. 2. The kids are the most important piece in all of this but they are going to get hurt. All I can do is minimise this as much as possible. My wife cares about the kids but she is so wrapped up in herself that she isn't considering their welfare much at all.
Will I ever trust her again ? Can I accept back into my life someone who appears child-like & extremely selfish ? How long do I try to make this work ?
I can't answer these questions now but I know a couple of things. I need to make sure that I take care of me & my kids (my wife is on her own path) & in any future relationship I will learn from my mistakes.
I am reassessing my life right now and that is a +ve thing. I'm certainly being open about what is happening and that helps.
One thing I'm concerned with is that every one going through this appears to have been hurt badly. I'd hazard to guess that the more you commit to the relationship the more your going to get hurt.
I firmly believe that every marriage can work if it is between 2 stable healthy people. The issue is that someone in a MLC / or going through a massive personal change is inherently unstable. If they come out of this in whatever time is acceptable to you who will they turn into. My wife atm resembles a child / teenager. She is talking like a teenager & acting like a teenager - I have nothing in common with this person and I don't want too.
At this point I want out. All I see when I look at her is a mistake. I'm going to try and sort this out but I don't think I can - she has to go through whatever it is she is going through and I'll have to adapt.
how well did you know your wife when she was younger? IE teen did you know what she was like back then? truily like not what her family thinks but how she really was
I think now when counselling happens I might raise how unstable she has been and how unrealistic her assesments are of me.
Its my daughters birthday and we are watching a slide show of all our family moments. My wife has had a real good time within our life together and yet now she is telling me I am controlling & dominating.
It is simply not true - my parents, her parents & the kids know this. My daughter has been upset with my wife because of how she is acting.
Its upsetting the lies she has been saying. I wonder how everyone will view this in the future.
As for the questions I didn't know her as a teenager - she is acting that way now and I have never seen this before.
I hope it doesn't get any worse but your right. I think it will get worse and I think the kids are the ones who will suffer.
It is actually horrendous. My once stable and sane wife is now a n alien.
Of course the fact that he was sleeping with someone else had nothing to do with it...! 
].)