I agree with cat04 says. I love my H, unconditionally, but that does not mean I will live with him unconditionally. Having said that, I am trying to be patient to wait for him to fix up his own mess.
Do you think the H you see today is the true person he is and will be? If he is, is that the person you want to be with? If not, then you can keep on waiting, or move on.
cat: I've spent the last few days thinking about your post, trying to get my head back in that place. Was feeling a lot of frustration towards H. For some reason, when I spend long periods of time away from H, I come back needing to keep my my distance from him. So I did. No phone calls, no contact. Then the weekend comes along and he calls - chats with me for longer than usual. He's more open and softer - and immediately, I turn to mush! I finally get my head back around the idea that it's ok to love him unconditionally and realize this: that my heart has been there all along.
Also makes me realize that the reason why I can't function when I see him again is not because I don't want to be with him - it's because of the exact opposite.
forward: H said that to me right after bomb when I asked (not begged or pleaded!) him to come home. Said that I wouldn't like who he was. At the time, my response was that was for me to decide. But I think he was absolutely right - I would not have liked that him at all. I know that I've posted in the past that I did not like who he was and didn't want to be with that person. I'm not sure who is today, but hope that I'll slowly get to find out. (And hopefully like him.) There's nothing about me for him not to like. Hahaha.
(Actually - I used to be very jealous. Not sure if I've changed enough and grown confident enough to not be anymore, especially that his circle of friends has grown and now includes a bevy of young party girls.)
OC: Heard you have bad weather. How are you and how are things with H? As you can see - I keep returning to the same place! Running in circles...but at least still moving, I guess.
still hoping, What you are experiencing is the rollercoaster of emotions. It's a normal process and you aren't alone in feeling that way. Take it one step at a time and get to really know your h once again. Don't be too quick to push the magical button of wanting him to come home or be w/you for long periods of time. Learn to communicate and reconnect w/him on a friendship basis and see where the relationship goes from there.
I have to agree, none of us would have liked the people that they became when the Mother Ship took them away. They do know what they are doing is wrong on some level but are unable to stop themselves.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SH You are doing well reconnecting with your H now is probablky a good idea and then practicing detatching maybe you beed more information/time before you make any kind of decisions you need to see where it all leads like snodderly said then you will know reading other posters in this spot..remember even at this point it still seems to take LOTS of time so keep working on you be the bets you can for you and the boys be a friend to H..keep expectations low and make plans to have FUN with friends you will know what to do trust that peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
SH, I practice "STOP" a lot when around H. I stop saying "all" my thoughts. I stop being sarcastic. I stop turning emotional all the time. I actually think you are doing great from what you wrote when you are areound H. Just concentrate on each occasion and make it a fun event for everyone involved, be it family dinner or school events. I remember "back then" when he was actively involved with H, H and I would just go out for a drink, and we chatted happily for a few hours. I made myself stopped all thoughts on the situation and just had fun. And he said "I can live with you forever this way." And he said that when he was deep in the A. What I want to say is, BE (not just show or pretend) that you are a fun and great person to be around with. It's good for your own sake anyway. And if your H happens to be around, invite him to join the fun but let him decide. OC
H invited me to dinner with kids and his (our) friend. 2nd time since break-up with ow in May/June (and we were away most of July). It was nice. Most of conversation was between friend and I but we all laughed a lot and H seemed interested in what I had to say. Conversation between the 2 of us still seems a little awkward, but I think that's to be expected at this point.
Just before dinner, H had S call me. S asked where I was and I told him I just left the house. H then got on the phone and hastily said that S wanted to pick me up on the way if I was still home, but not to worry if I had left already. I thought that was very thoughtful of S and almost turned back home but didn't. When we got home after dinner, I told S that it was so thoughtful of him to want to pick me up. He told me it was daddy's idea and that H made him call me!
Friend's family will be moving here soon - which means H will be living on his own and not have his friend shadowing him. I'm so curious how things will be when that happens. Friend has already said that he hopes to do a lot of family things with kids and I - and I think he is secretly working behind the scenes to push H in the right direction. H mentioned that he will be traveling a lot, which doesn't surprise me.
I feel positive that things are moving in the right direction. Having friend here to go to dinner with and have conversations with and do family things with eases the tension and awkwardness between H and I. It's a very slow and gradual transition.
snodderly, peace, OC - thank you for all your comments and advice. I'm really going to work on being my best, even when H is not around. I know the reconnection process is slow. Need lots of patience and to lose the expectations!
I've not posted to you before but have followed your sitch. My H still has OW so you're ahead of me and it's giving me a bit of hope.
Things for you do seem to be heading in the right direction. Well done.
Just wanted to add that I seem to fall into the 'pathetic' unable to give it up category too. Not that I think it's pathetic we just know what path we want to take but have to be prepared to be patient, it's going to be a long walk.
Hi bonnyh - Thanks for following my sitch. I went back and read some of your posts. I was wondering: Do you think you had a MLC of your own?
forward - Love when you share what you've learned from DB counselor! Will definitely wait for him to initiate contact. I did send him a text the day after dinner to give him contact info for a doctor that he asked me for. He replied thanks 6 hours later (usually he replies immediately), as if to say "It was only dinner, don't get your hopes up".
peace - While it may sound hopeful, I'm trying to ignore any progress. Easier to not have expectations that way...
Terribly sad how jaded this experience has made me!
