Hi, just thought I'll pop in to say hi girlfromoz, I'm probably a lot closer to your timezone than some of the folks here, and I'll chip in a little bit of support for the hell you are going through for what it's worth.
Jenjam's points are good, as is so much of the advice you'll find here. I wish I found this much earlier when I was in the lowest depths of my hell. Followed some of the techniques even though I had not read about it then, and screwed up royally on some things I did not know then.
Cheers,
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Thanks so much for the support. That's the thing, it is trial and error and at this point I haven't had enough time to see if anything is working or will work, it is kind of like being in limbo at the moment. Will keep going and hope that I don't mess up too much as I go on. I think it is the unpredictability of H's mind that makes it hard.
Your H is going to be all over the map. I think the way people have begun referring to it here in Newcomers is the WAS takes a trip to Bat-sh!t-crazyville.
My partner teacher has a way of dealing with people like this...she just thinks of them as mental patients in her mind (thus making their behavior about THEM as it should be) and treating them with polite, detached curiosity. Will Parent X be Jeckyll or Hide today? Who is showing up to the conference--the nice or evil twin?
I think it helps to keep your sanity when you take that approach with the WAS. On any given day--and even within the same day--the WAS may exhibit any sort of behavior. That's why we believe none of what they say and half of what they do. All that matters, really, is that you're clear on taking care of yourself and not owning your H's crazy. You have your own crazy to deal with (as we all do...you know, those things we need to work on ourselves), and it's not our place to take on any of the WAS's share.
So you have to move soon; perhaps a curious, "H, we are getting ready to need to find a place to live in the next couple of weeks, and I'm just wondering if this is something we're going to do together, or something we're doing separately. I'd prefer we be together, but I understand you think you need to leave. However, I thought I'd ask instead of assuming before I start looking for a place to live."
If he starts in all sad sack or weird or alien or whatever, the response is, "H, I am just trying to collect information so that I don't put either one of us in an uncomfortable place. Do what you think you need to do. I just don't want to be setting up house in the park come three weeks." And then smile and walk away to do something else.
Do you remember what your kids were like when they were 12-13-14? Do you remember the ups and downs, the moodiness? Do you remember wondering when the aliens were going to return your sweet children? Because this is sort of what to expect behavior-wise from your H. Adolescent behavior all over again.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Your H is going to be all over the map. I think the way people have begun referring to it here in Newcomers is the WAS takes a trip to Bat-sh!t-crazyville.
My partner teacher has a way of dealing with people like this...she just thinks of them as mental patients in her mind (thus making their behavior about THEM as it should be) and treating them with polite, detached curiosity. Will Parent X be Jeckyll or Hide today? Who is showing up to the conference--the nice or evil twin?
SD
That made me smile because that is exactly how it feels, you just don't know who will be there in the morning or night.
Yes I am going to have to have the house talk as something has to be done, I can't ignore it and then there's the packing, don't think He will be much help there either.
Well, at the end of another day at work, time to head on home and see what kind of H will come home tonight. As I work in a shopping centre all I seem to see are happy couples, hurts like hell.
Just a quick thought before I go, should I mention anything about seeing a counsellor? Or just leave any kind of discussion about the M alone at the moment? Part of me says do it and part of me says don't it's too soon.
gfo - It's weird that I'm just starting the day, your just finishing yours and the other lot are in the middle of a few hours kip way behind us!
On your thoughts. I really wouldn't tell him about C. My W found out somehow off someone and she said "Good - she really thought it would help me" !! There was no attempt on her side to see anything wrong with her outlook on life.
So if H finds out he finds out. Just don't stick it in his face.
Still no ironing done! There is always tomorrow night I guess. H will have no shirts to wear by Wednesday.
I guess H will need to do something about that then. Whatever shall he do once he leaves?
And..well...if your H says he's going to a different place, then why would you pack his stuff? His life, his choice, his stuff...let him take care of that. Not your problem.
Does he think you're going to float over to his place and be his housekeeper once he's left? Crazy WAS.
If H makes a comment about the shirts, maybe you just say, "Oh, terribly sorry, I just didn't get to it. Would you like me to teach you how to do it so you'll know how once you're on your own?" Sweet. Nice. Not vindictive.
Just...you know...putting yourself first. Just like your H.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Terrified of the house talk, frightened I am going to hear what I don't want to hear.
Think of where his head is right now. He doesn't even know. He is hurting and confused and you are the last person he wants to show.
Take everything he says with a grain of salt. If a person suffering from dementia sees a little purple dog run across room, are you going to go look. : )
Remember the phrase "believe none of what they say and only half of what they do."
Have no fear, your doing well. The next time you hear that off the wall jive it's nothing but blah blah blah.
You are right, he will have to do it himself when and if he decides he won't be moving with us. The last couple of times he left and came back, he brought all the washing with him. When I think about it, after he sends me the email, he comes home and puts his washing in the laundry for me.
Must keep repeating over and over, do things for me now no-one else.
