Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[Dawn of Hope]

Gee, have I put everyone to sleep?

No major developments in my life at present, just journaling...

I have been making a few tiny shifts in my approach to life. Lately I have been thinking about how stuck I have been (in several areas) for a while now. I have had a lot of problems over the years that are characteristic of depression, including feeling like nothing I do has ever been, or will ever be, "good enough." (The exact meaning of that phrase is another whole discussion; let's just go with it for now.) It makes it very hard to push through and finish anything I start...and mostly I don't even start. It finally occurred to me to turn it around and ask myself, "Do I really believe that God wants me to believe that I am totally inadequate and useless, and that my life is worthless?" And the answer is a definite NO! The God I believe in doesn't operate that way.

The God I believe in creates each person with a plan for their lives, a plan for the good of that person and others. And that means me too. I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept that I am included in that. Yeah, depression, but that's just an easy excuse. I don't believe God's plan involves our long-term unhappiness unless it is necessary to teach us something, and/or cause us to correct our course to be more in alignment with God's will. I keep praying to be shown what I am supposed to do, and for help in doing it, and I am still basically unhappy (although the unhappiness is of three decades' duration). I think, therefore, that either I am being seriously (although unconsciously) stubborn about recognizing that I need to change something, or my unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy are not part of God's plan for me.

This probably seems like a no-brainer to people who don't have depression, but cut me some slack here. I am trying to inch my way out of depression, via brute force and thinking too hard. I am trying to change how I feel by changing how I think. Thoughts drive emotions, but the emotions are like a runaway horse, and very hard to control without a dramatic and long-lasting change in thoughts.

So I spend a lot of time thinking, reading, praying, trying to figure out what to do. I remember hearing something that really struck me: "You will not change...until the pain of changing is outweighed by the pain of staying as you are."

I have gradually begun dealing with some longtime procrastinated projects. Today I sorted through a lot of papers from my desk, and some of the stuff at the bottom went back to January 2007--over 2-1/2 years! I'm pretty organized and for the most part my clutter is under control (thanks to Flylady!), but I have a few pockets of untamed clutter in the house, and several of those are in my office. Well, I didn't have any "Eureka!" moments in today's decluttering, but at least now I can see a lot more of my desk! I find it very freeing to declutter, although sometimes I need a little nudge to get started.

I think a big part of my problem with procrastination and being overwhelmed is that I'm not very good at breaking projects down into pieces that are small enough for me to handle. I am a total Flylady devotee, and this is one of those things she talks about a lot...I'm working on it.

I am going to try to get a lot of stuff dealt with this week so I can clear my plate, because I have a whole lot of work that happens to all be coming in about a week from now. A lot of people want to get married around the end of October this year, it seems, and they all want me to address their invitations at once! I have, at present, four wedding clients and a birthday party client who will all need addressing in the last two weeks of August (envelopes won't be ready until least the end of this week, in all cases)--around 700 invitations total, some of which are double envelopes. Plus, I have two more wedding clients who will need place cards for early September weddings. It never rains but it pours, right? It would be really nice to make some progress on my website, so I'm going to try to get some of that dealt with this week before the deluge.

Okay, I've babbled long enough. I'm going to put away the rest of the items from my desk that need to go elsewhere, and get something to eat, and try for an early (for me!) start tomorrow.

Thanks for listening and following along in my exciting life!

Peace,
Dawn