Have her back. Anticipate (knowing her as you do) what might be an additional (therefore UNwelcomed) stressor for her at this time. As an example, if I lost/was losing a parent, Coach would be helping me mightly by intercepting the bills and paying them on his own; doing a good house cleaning without needing my assistance once a week; getting the littlest one to her events/school without consulting me about times, places, particulars; grocery shopping and cooking without expecting a purple heart...doing what I normally do but what really takes some effort and more energy than is available, all things considered. These kinds of things represent responsibility to her family at a time that her energy needs to be with her FOO. In other words, free her up to take her role as daughter W/O worrying that her responsibilities as mother will go unmet. Have her back. (Do it all without drawing an ounce of attention - do it quietly)
Good idea going to see your MIL. I would love that. It says that you are in this WITH her.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
So I am a bit confused and at a loss for how to respond right now.
On one hand, we are 5 weeks away from a scheduled Retrouvaille session - and I am trying to follow the advice of "Don't rock the boat"
Also, and of real concern is the crisis with her mom, and my real desire to "have her back" (thanks Greek) through this. Despite it all, I want to be there for her where she needs it.
But...
At the same time, W is starting to once again trample on some of the boundaries that I have clearly set during the past 8 months.
Example: No Contact with OM. I have had to clearly express this one numerous times in the past 8 months. She breaks off contact, then after a while starts reaching out to him again - until I stumble on it. A number of months ago I clearly and calmly asked her to delete him from her facebook friends because she was using it to watch him and stay in contact. She complied.
Now, I just got notified by Facebook that my W has a new "Friend" - OM.
This is a deliberate act to re-establish contact, and one she had to know I would notice (Facebook announces it!)
So on one hand, be supportive, don't rock the boat, don't start R discussions -- while on the other hand I have to enforce this boundary and can't let a blatant sign of disregard for me and our M go unremarked....
...and on top of it all I am leaving in the morning for a 4-day business trip (The one in which I am visiting her mom) and won't talk to her face to face for a while (she is not here tonight, which is probably a good thing...)
So what to do? What to do? How to act?
All new territory for me...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Does she have a strong secondary? My primary LL is QT but WoA and PT tied for second.
I really don't know. I know she is big into gifts and gifts of service. It is very important for her to have the right card or the present for each person for each occasion, etc.
I have struggled with this one for a while. I actually tried to get her to take the test a number of months ago, but that was an abysmal failure. I should have known better and stopped it as pursuit, but...
the questions: ie "Would rather your husband give you a massage or buy you a gift?" etc - her predictable answer: "I don't want YOU to do any of that!"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"When you add OM as a friend on FB, after I told you how I felt and the boundary I thought was going to be respected. You adding him as a friend on FB makes me feel_________ and _______. If you do not remove him and if you contact him again. I will __________."
I would be very calm, strong and in control. You know what you need to do. You are already dead this can't hurt you.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
