#65 finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smith18]

I think you are still numb for this huge betrayal. Only you can control what stage you will feel next - anger/disgust or a relief that you are free from limbo land.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey M,
I'm so sorry I wasnt around, its so awful and yet, not surprising hey. I am so sorry, and I am here for you as you know, anytime, I am settled in the new place now. I think its amazing that happened on the eclipse, the last in the series (2 1/2 years?) as you said, you knew, your intuition doesnt lie but the Full moon eclipse "illuminated" it and bought it out finally into the light of day. Just awful, I was so upset for you. So wierd I found pictures too that night, now deleted, but nothing on the scale of you. At least you know where you stand and what the past 2-3 years meant and I said you would be free of it by September hey.. and then, I promise GOOD things are on the horizon. I dont know what else to say, except love you
Al xxx

[JCJ]

Kalni,

I know this is a cliche but I really believe there is no 'right' way to feel. I think our bodies and minds protect us and we feel the things we need to feel to survive an experience. Maybe that sounds a bit cheesy... I guess what I mean is you are you, and your experiences and reactions are your own.

Hugs!
Jx

[Forrest Gump]

"I am shocked with the amazing double life he had. In one email he was telling her that other times he could control himself, with her no. So maybe I am dealing with more than one cases..."

Shocked? Curious choice of words.

"I am not disgusted yet. What the hell is wrong with me???????????/ Help!!!!"

As Ian said.. now that you know.. what changes? Have you not thought that this was a possibility all along? Have you not to a point put it behind you?

[Kalni]

Forrest,
what word should I have chosen? The magnitude of the deceit, is not uncommon on these boards and I hate to sound like I am special and that shouldn't happen to me, was shocking. I guess my real problem is what my close people tell me: I thought HE was different. I thought he was special, I thought he wasnt capable of all that he did. I thought I was married to a man with morals, boundaries, integrity.

I am here and the weather sucks. Rain and cold today. That's how I feel. Abandoned and alone and beaten and humiliated and disrespected and ...and...and

The pain I am now feeling is different. Yes, I knew all along something was up with her, but NO I didnt even think once that the reason we had problems was connected to her. I thought it was the other way around. August 2006 when I found the lump on my breast he was worried sick and told he would die if he'd lost me. He was ALREADY flirting, dating her. December 1st she goes to his newspaper and the [censored] and I read all the details, December 16 we go to Munich and have a lousy time and he later tells me that was an indication for him things were bad. See the irony? How could we possible have a good time when he was in love with her?

I dont know which parts of me I need to take care first. I dont know how I will ever find the strength to forgive. How the hell will I be able to coparent with him and NOT make it obvious I cant stand looking at him.

I dont know how to make all the loving feelings towards him of the life we had obsolete. I dont know if you understand that. I dont want to be able to eel anything good about our life together that has to do with him. Even of years ago.

I have been reading many books, struggling to find ways to get rid of the weight I feel on my chest, forcing myself to eat, trying to sleep, hiding my tears from my kids. I talked to my C. Just like everyone else she didn't expect that. She too, apologized to me for telling me once during MC that I was stuck on that woman and jeopardizing the reconciliation. She told me to focus on now and forget the past and future. It's hard to do. She told me that he created in his head a story about our M that allowed him to act free of moral and ethical boundaries.

He hasnt been contacting the kids. I once had them call him but since they are not asking for him, I dont remind them to "call daddy".

My mom is ok, better. She said she went nuts for 24 hours and now she is "handling it".

This time is all a strictly internal process. And it is harder.
K

[ernest88]

Kalni...sorry about what I have read here and the lies decete you discovered..it's too bad you could not have found it sooner..I'm afraid more on here would find out the real truth if they used the measures that some do to find things out...away..move forward as best you can..things will get better..life is great...

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K,
Thinking of you all day. You must be terribly shocked, how awful for you. Its the scale of it, you are right, of course you are shocked, stunned,hurt and cycling over things. I noticed you said

"She too, apologized to me for telling me once during MC that I was stuck on that woman and jeopardizing the reconciliation. She told me to focus on now and forget the past and future. It's hard to do. She told me that he created in his head a story about our M that allowed him to act free of moral and ethical boundaries."

Ok, at last, she takes your side and apologies(she never did in MC!!) but.. I dont agree with her to just forget the past and focus on now, its too soon for that, you are still reeling. Even if you had got back together, you need to go through it, the details, piece it together, it all swirls around and you need to go back over it, like the same process as grieving.. cycle back over before you can let go of it. So dont expect too much of yourself. And you know what? Why not ask him, rant and rave if you like, demand answers, get what you need from him now.. before he shuts down and you no longer have access to him, emotionally.

I am here for you anytime, you have the new number. Thinking of you M. Glad your Mum has come down a notch from furious.

Oh and something else I thought of yesterday and you touch on it here from your C.. all that cr*p about YOU being angry, or b*tchy, or a bad mum for shouting at your kids, or this or that he would level at you.. it was all his guilt and frustration and I bet he doesnt mean a word of it, its how he 'got by' whilst leading a double life, not intentionally I mean, but how he was reminds me now how I was during my EA/Pa.. I was cold, distant, moved around as though there was an exclusion zone around me, didnt want to be touched, didnt reach out, my side of the bed, closed off, less eye contact, scowled at him, tutted, blamed him in my head when only afterwards I realised he was lovely and it was just all me and as a result of their being a 3rd person. Its human nature I think.

So you are none of those things he would shout at you about, and I bet he hates himself right now for trying to drag you down to jusify subconciously his actions.
Love Al xx

[john210]

I forget who mentionned that our sitches have similarities......so, maybe if I share what I tried to do, just maybe, it may help a little........

"How could we possible have a good time when he was in love with her?"

This line pretty much sums up the piecing aspect of the WAS saga....I think this happened in my case as well. You know what is ironic, at times I thought that your heart was elsewhere and he did not stand a chance. I think he had us all fooled.

"I dont know how I will ever find the strength to forgive. How the hell will I be able to coparent with him and NOT make it obvious I cant stand looking at him."

You will DO IT for the kids! I am not so sure about the forgiving part....people here advocate total forgiveness in order to heal. In my case, I am not certain that I have forgiven my XW. Sure it is easy to write it here...but deep down I still hold a grudge....so maybe I am not healed totally....maybe WE never do.

It is much too early in the process to get over the awful feelings you are now experiencing. It all takes time K. I know it sounds simplistic but time heals....maybe not totally but it heals. It HAS to and you will need to help yourself. I think I have done that by trying not to think too much about the negatives of the past with XW. When I do find myself sliding into the darkness if you will, I force myself to think about something else instead of remaining stuck in the past. Like I said it is too early for you to do that....but the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that I deserve better than what my XW had to offer in the last 2 years is the day I believe that I truly began to drop the proverbial rope. Until then K, you will need to do what it takes to make yourself feel better. If it is to go away for a few days without the kids, do it. If you need to ask more questions....do it. But eventually, you will need to slowly begin to move forward....don't stay stuck for too long K. If I may paraphrase Mike, TOO BAD FOR THEM!

One more thing, this may or may not help but hey...I am going to put it out there anyway....even if it sounds insensitive:
In two weeks it seemed to me that you were going to file....that was the direction you were going....well he just made your decision alot easier. Yes the betrayal is VERY hard to swallow and 3 years seems like an awful long time. If you did not find out what you did, do you really think your future together was a viable option? Therefore, you have the same result except that you have information about why he has acted the way he has....
I hope that was not too insensitive.
Hope some of this helps...because I think we are ALL trying to do this in our own way.

[mishka422]

((((Maria)))))

It's old and cliche, but I'm saying it anyway because it applies....One day at a time.

I dont know how to make all the loving feelings towards him of the life we had obsolete. I dont know if you understand that. I dont want to be able to eel anything good about our life together that has to do with him. Even of years ago.

Trust me, you don't want those loving feelings to be obsolete. They are painful to think of now, but in time they will be fond memories. They will always come with a bit of pain but in time the pain of the memory will lessen. I've been able to have some moments of happiness when something happens to jog loose a memory from our life together. It's not as big a stab in the heart to know I won't ever have that again. Also, so many of those good memories will involved your children and those are happy times you never want to loose.

I'm so glad you are away on vacation in a place far enough from him to not be hit over the head by his presence so soon after the latest discovery. I'm sorry he's not calling the kids. It just shows another part of his cowardice. He knows what his kids are going to say, how they are going to act toward him and he's a scared rabbitt. Too bad for him. He's the one that will end up damaging his R with his kids. His problem. You just need to be there loving and caring for those kids even more now. The upside to expending that energy....they give the love right back.

[addie]

Kalni,
I wish you didn't have to go through this. I know all too well the pain you are feeling. You will have to deal with that pain at your own pace. The anger will surface, if not now, then inevitably later but it is a part of the healing process.

Don't think about forgiveness at this point. Right now the pain is too raw. MAYBE in time you will be able to forgive. I'm still working on it but have had many backslides. It's not easy!!! One book I am reading that was suggested to me on these boards is "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrahms Spring (same author that wrote After the Affair). The author is very thorough, emphasizes that forgiveness is extremely complex and involves much more than just "choosing" to forgive and that most of us cannot live up to such high moral principles to forgive unconditionally. I continue to work on it and know that I have a long road ahead of me.

I hope the weather is better for you tomorrow so that you can get out and work on your tan. That always makes me feel better.

(((((HUGS)))))