In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

Hi, Everyone. Been awhile since I've posted and have some updates to share...Oh, and no worries at all to anyone who posted on my thread.

My husband and I separated on August 4th. It was truly one of the saddest days of my life. Everyone cried, even my sister-in-law and all of his college buddies who came to help him move out.

No matter how hard I tried over the past several weeks to not get drawn into conflict with him, he decided that he could not live here anymore. The stress was so bad that he became quite paranoid, accusing me (after I visited a lawyer with my Mom) of trying to build a custody case against him (which I was not), and invading his privacy by looking through his wallet, cell phone, car, office, etc. I have not snooped since I found out about his emotional affair with the therapist in May. Nevertheless, he was convinced that I continued to invade his privacy. He even went so far as to "plant" a condom in his pants to make me think he was having sex with the therapist...and probably countless other "booby traps" as he put it, that I never found out about. It got very crazy as I'm sure it typically does when people separate. When he was packing and me and our son were several states away visiting friends, he accused me of stealing his Dad's rifle and selling it or giving it to family. He threatened to call the police. Fortunately, I stayed calm through all of this and when his Dad's rifle was in fact at his parent's house, he sobbed and apologized for accusing me. I never yelled at him about it at all and just quietly accepted his apology. Still, he took off his wedding ring and has never put it back on since.

Things are now in a proverbial limbo land although he said, on the day before he moved out, "You know I'm not coming back! This is not a trial separation!" The only reason he hasn't filed for divorce is money; neither of us can afford the divorce and our mortgage is upside down. Looking back, I totally screwed up with my behavior and made things worse. It might not have come to this if I could have just stopped freaking out. I totally own how I reacted to everything with panic, anguish, fear, and judgment. Now that I am coming out of the initial shock and have been in my own IC sessions for awhile, I realize that our old marriage was not good for either one of us. I'm still the only one committed to starting over though.

The man whom I have loved for 21 years is now living in an apartment with almost no money to eat. I'm trying to just be his friend right now and limit contact as much as possible. I'm resolving to be positive, that every action I take can influence my future. I'm getting a life. I'm being happy so that no matter what happens, I'll have a great life for myself and our son. I'm turning my anger into compassion day by day. I never email him or call unless it is urgent regarding our son. I didn't fight him on taking anything that he wanted. He took our collection of 3,000 CDs, and basically everything a person would need to set-up a new house. When he moved out, I hugged all of his buddies and only said "Thank you for coming to support my husband today." I hope that everyone saw my sincerity and realized that my wishes were completely selfless. I don't think the day could have gone any better in terms of the impression I made on everyone. For that, I'm very grateful.

Whenever he comes to the house, I offer him any extra food that we have. He's even agreed to having "pizza Fridays" at the house even though my therapist does not think this is a good idea.

Everyone keeps telling me to just accept that he is "done" with our marriage and start dating. I think this is bad advice. Dating is the last thing I want to do. I haven't even taken my wedding rings off. I just don't think in my heart that it is over. He says that he still loves me but that our marriage is over. We made love on the day I found out about the therapist. How can someone go from having sex in May to moving out in August? And we were a couple that didn't have sex more than a few times each year, so this was significant.

His best friend, on the day of the separation, told me that my husband is "confused right now," that he's not sure what will happen but that he needed to do this. I've been doing a lot of reading and two different therapist think he possibly has aspects of something called borderline personality disorder. I am finally feeling a sense of relief to be away from his rage and the daily conflict. I lost 32 lbs. and can now eat again. So that is good. Our son seems to be doing ok too, for that I'm extremely grateful. I don't know if this time apart will do anything to help save our marriage, or if it is truly over. I guess only time will tell.

Thanks for reading this post and thanks in advance for any reflections you might offer.