I told her this morning that I did not mean the things I said last night. It didn't matter to her. She asked me if I was going to sign the waiver of service or be served. I told her to go ahead and serve me.
Do I tell her I drank last night? Which is worse? Letting her think that I said it straight or letting her know I relapsed during our fighting? I don't know which to do.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Yes. I am extremely ashamed of myself and feel completely destroyed this morning. I don't know which way to turn.
I know everyone is going to say "I told you so". And rightfully so.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I had been working so hard on my faith and I completely relapsed.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I found out last night from her sister that she was physically abused as a child and that she has real issues from it.
I never knew that.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Did you call her after you started drinking -- or go over by her or what? I guess it doesn't matter.
Whatever happens with your marriage, I hope this whole incident served as a SERIOUS WAKE UP CALL regarding your enduring love affair with alcohol. I know we've said it and said it, but Kev, GET SOME HELP. Find an AA group you're comfortable with, and then go every day.
And follow up on counseling for your girls.
Are your girls with you or their mom right now? Did they witness any of the ugliness that transpired last night?
Please, Kevin, get help -- if not for yourself, for your daughters.
Leave your wife alone, Kevin. She's trying to escape from an abusive marriage. Being married to an alcoholic is an abusive marriage, whether you agree right now or not.
Keep posting, is there someone there you can talk to? Maybe FaithfulH?
This is not about an "I told you so moment". However, now maybe you will see in a very clear fashion why we have all been on you back for months to get your arse into AA or some real solution based counseling. You didnt do either because that would have meant some hard and painful work. Instead, you chose to turn to religion (fine but you needed additional tools that prayer alone could not offer you) because prayer does not require the work that counseling/AA does.
I dont know what else it will take you to see your patterns. You blow it because you are not detached and not getting the help you need to be able to handle and manage your emotions on a day to day basis or in the heat of a challenging situation. You do not have the tools to release the control you try and have over your W. And you dont have the tools to NOT let your W fill your headspace on a constant basis.
This all leads to you *trying* to do damage control which as you might finally realize, only makes things worse.
For weeks we have heard you say that you are standing for your marriage an as a husband it is your covenant duty to be there for your W. You have said that to a point where it is now preachy. Yet, in 24 hours you totally invalidated her choices about a vehicle she is planning to purchase (which is safe, reliable and in her budget), tried to control what she would purchase by giving her "advise" and then called her a money grubbing whore in the heat of an argument while you were drunk.
You didnt relapse on your faith. You were unable to stay true to your faith because you lack the other tools (counseling, AA) that faith can enhance. Faith is an amazing part of life and in some form we all *need* faith but, as LBS, we also *need* some form of counseling that will help us find solutions to our problems and flaws. We *need* guidance on how to rebuild ourselves as indviduals (or co-parents in some cases) and how to detach in a healthy and loving manner. We *need* direction on how to communicate to a WAS that hurt us deeply in a way that will not cause more damage. And we *need* the insight that sometimes only counseling can provide of what our roll, as the LBS, played in the demise of the marriage.
Faith cant give you any of those things. What faith can give you is the strength and courage to pursue the really hard things (counseling, AA, group support of some kind). I hope that clicks for you now.
You took the easy way out and now you are kicking yourself. This might just be the greatest lessson of your life - the easy way out is not the *best* way out. And yes, its a *very* painful lesson to learn but until you really embrace the concept nothing will change.
At this point there is NOTHING you can do but leave your W alone. Apologize in a true and simple fashion for the names you called her and participating in the argument you had. Make no excuses and offer no explanations other than you are sorry for acting in such a disrespectful and vindictive manner. Then end the conversation. Period.
If you dont get into AA or counseling or BOTH this week then you really havent learned a damn thing about the painful weekend you have just experienced.
Accept it, Kevin. You most probably will get served this week and your marriage will legally over. Its been emotionally over for a very long time. It hurts. It stings and it feels like hell. Now is your time to fix yourself and rebuild YOUR life for YOU and your children. Stop turning your back on the opportunities you have and bow out of because they are hard.
You are 34 years old, its time to become a man. Are you ready? Do you want that?
My H has said some nasty things to me over the past 19 months but he has never and would NEVER call me a whore. I am shocked you would call your W that seeing how you proclaim your love for her on a hourly basis. Did your daughters hear that? How would you feel if a man called one of your little girls a whore? Dont use that word again no matter how angry you are. Its foul and disgusting.
W and I talked. She said she had figured I had been drinking last night. I said yes. I relapsed after during our fight. She said she could tell.
She said thank you for the apology and I explained that was not me last night. I explained I had been doing so well and then I just relapsed last night and that I am getting back on the straight and narrow today. She said I should go be with friends today since I don't have any plans. I told her I love her and I am not saying it to make her mad that I just don't want her to believe what was said last night.
I told her I do miss her and am tired of being apart from her all the time. She said it is going to be a long long time before we can do anything together.
My life has truly spiraled into nothingness. Where is my faith? Why do I feel so alone? I flat out crashed. Now I have to pick myself back up and I don't feel like getting up.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
My daughters didn't hear anything. D11 is in Florida and D7 was not around.
I know I should not have called her that. She called me some things also and I should just have not responded. I said it after I had been drinking, not before. It was later on in the night.
I probably will get served this week. She seemed completely serious about it.
I don't consider it an abusive M just because we had a major arguement last night.
Yes, this is a wake up call. I'm going to AA and doing the 12 step program.
I did tell her that I do not think any of those things about her and I wish I had not said it.
It was a terrible thing to say. I guess because she has been going after guys with money it just came out of me. But I should never ever have said it. I can't believe I let it slip out.
The D process will be a minimum of 4 months.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I don't consider it an abusive M just because we had a major arguement last night.
It's an abusive M because you are an alcoholic.
And, in my opinion, people usually say what they REALLY think when they're drinking. Inhibitions are lower, and things do tend to "slip out". Deep down, I think you do feel your wife has been a "whore", I don't think you said it to be mean, that's what you think. If you didn't think that, you never would have said it.
Instead of being served, why don't you just sign? Do you want to be embarrassed at work? What's the point?
Are you following up on counseling for your girls tomorrow??
