A bit of journaling today. Excited that I get to see the kids this afternoon. Can't wait to spend time with them. I have noticed that over the past few weeks it has gotten a lot easier to not have the urge to call the W. I guess it is because there are others now that I call for support etc. I guess it is finally me detaching from the situation. What scares me is that I hope it is not me losing her. I hope it is me detaching so that we can soon be in a better place together. I used to think about talking to her all the time and I don't anymore. When I think of calling someone to talk to it is my "support group" of close family or friends that have helped me through this. I looked long and hard last night at the things that have happened over the past month here with the W and feel like the wall is starting to come down. It has taken a long time and will take more time I know, but this waiting game is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Well nothing exciting has really happened. When I saw the W on Friday and then on Sat. she was being really stand offish. Not sure why. I can't understand why she is so cool to me sometimes and then acts so cold other times. Seems like that would take so much energy. The coach told me to expect this. She would get close then run over and over again. Its hard and I hate all of the high school games she seems to be playing. I have come to the understanding that I have done and am doing all I can to be the best me and dad I can be. I know the ball is in her court. I know when all of this started she blamed me for everyting. Although I know I had my issues I know it is not normal to bail on a relationship. I know at this point the ball is in her court. She can decided to change if she wants to. I am getting to the point where I just want all of this to be over. I am tired of dealing with it. Went to the doctors today and have the shingles from stress, being overworked, lack of sleep, etc. I had it about 10 years ago. I feel like things just keep piling on. Funny thing is when I found out I just laughed about it. Oh well I know it will be over in a week or so. Wish the R would be back together then too. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Guys and gals I need some advice. Wife just called me about picking up the kids in another location. She was pretty angry on the phone. Seemed like it was all being directed at me. Not sure why. I have not seen her since Sat. In the course of the 4 min. call she talked about me getting some things she took when she left and made the comment that "its the only thing that we can agree on." I just blew it off and did not even respond to it. I feel like I have agreed with her on everything and have not been confrontational with her at all throughout this process even though I know it is probably justified to get so. I will see her in a few hours and have been thinking of bringing this up. Asking her "What have I not agreed with you on?" Should I do it or should I just let it go. Please help me with this. Thanks all RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Gardener told me about Robx post on his thread and practically dragged me there. And why? It was for us but boy-oh-boy does it apply to you.
Enjoy - Gardener and I did ........
Quote:
Emotions aren't logical and you have to start remembering that and use this small bit of info to your advantage so that you don't waste your time explaining how you've changed and that things will be better because in the end doing so goes against their feelings and they are in love with their feelings, telling them you've changed and you're different goes against their feelings which they love so much. Agree with them in everything even when they are attacking you, defending yourself against their attacks only forces them to put up their guards even more. Stop defending yourself, agree with them wholeheartedly, if they call you a horrible person, tell them that you are the most horrible person and you agree with them 100% and that you can't understand how they lived with you this long. The idea is that agreeing with them & their feelings lowers their shields, they'll continue fighting you if you continue defending yourself so you stop the fight by disarming yourself and taking whatever they give you (aside from verbal & physical abuse, just leave the room at that point with no response back to them).
Stop using your old logic to deal with their emotions, it never works. Be different, do different.
Thanks Mac, I thought I did the right thing by not even making mention of it. I just let it go. I remember what the DB coach told me that she would try to push buttons. Funny thing is I feel like she is maybe starting to look at herself. I am not even in the picture anymore and she is still angry and upset. Go figure. I have just tried to take the high road and not gotten upset or angry with her at all. I don't plan to. Nothing gets accomplished from that. I guess I won't bring it up. I will just let it go. Thanks again Mac. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
W just tried calling me. I did not answer as I was already on the phone. Not sure if she was trying to stir things up more or what. I did not bite. She did say on the message she wanted me to call her back. I am not going to do it. I am not getting sucked in. I have been thinking more and more about her negative statements from earlier today. I am glad I did not respond. I don't plan to even when I see her this afternoon. There is no point. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Well after 2 lame calls from the W yesterday (spoke to her on one let the other go to voicemail), a good visit with her when she dropped the kids off and the cold shoulder when she picked them up, I am not sure what to think. I talked to my MC yesterday and he said he feels like I should move on. I told him I am not going to until this is over (either she decides she wants to work on this or she pushes the D all the way). He respected my decision but doesn't see how I can put a time date on it. I told him how can he put a date of yesterday on it. I feel like if things go all the way I can look back and definitely say that I gave it everything I had and if that wasn't enough, time to move on. The W is definitely in a new phase of things. She was acting strange yesterday when dropping the kids off. After hanging out with us for about 45 minutes she pops up and says "I have to go." Like the bat signal just went off or something. Not sure where she is getting this strange attitude from of being close and then being cold. Seems like it would take a lot of energy to keep up. I know it is her turn to make some changes and I will just keep mine going. I continue to have hope that things can work out but feel like the longer they go the more I see her slip away and transform into someone I don't even know. Get to talk to my DB coach this Fri. Looking forward to it. Hopefully he can make some sense of all of this. I know she has not detached from me yet. I can tell by the way she is around me. Also by her calling me out of the blue angry with me when I haven't done a thing. Have not even seen or spoken to her in a couple of days. It would be harder I think if I knew she was gone. I don't think she is. Thanks for you help all! RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
RTQ I think she is trying to justify her decision by pushing your buttons so you will get pissed off at her for the accustations and she can say see, all of this I have done is for the best. Do not fall in.
Sorry guys that I have not posted in a while. I appreciate your insight Burt. Well last Sat the 1st I had a great day and get a letter from her attorney stating that they would like to do curbside exchanges with the kids as my W has been telling them that I have been harassing her. I was pretty upset. The things that were quoted in there as things that I had supposedly said really upset me. They were lies. I saw her the next day Sun. when getting the kids and had her read the letter while I put the kids in the car. She read the letter and I asked her "Do you agree with this?" She said "yes." I then asked her two more times if she thought that these statemenst were 100% correct. She said again yes they were. I then told her how I felt about them and that they were lies. I never raised my voice or got angry but when I left the last thing I told her was "This really breaks my heart." I had a great day with the kids and when I dropped them off she was very cold. Over the course of last week on the Tues. exchange she brought a person with her (bodyguard/witness who knows) and on Thurs it was very short. I said "Hi" to her and that was it nothing else. On Fri. when I got the kids she tried talking to me and tried smiling at me and I just acted as though it was a business exchange. I have stopped doing the nice things for her and I deleted her from my FB account. I found out that the only reason she wanted to be on there was to see what I was up to. (found out from a mutual friend who she told) I guess I feel like that was a control issue to see what I was doing. So I wanted to take that away. I have been and will be as elusive if not more so than she had tried to make herself. I hate these games but I just wish she would come to her senses and do what she wants to do and not what everyone else (her family) is telling her to do. I guess I feel like as the more time goes on she will see the contrast between what they are telling her and what she actually sees. I also found out that her brother has been watching me at work and reporting back to her. Another reason why I stopped writing on here during work time. Thanks all for listening. Any advice? RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
