Yesterday was bomb day around here- didn't go quite as planned.
Part 1- I deleted my pics and bio off the joint profiles, and I told H to do whatever he wanted with his portion, I didn't touch his. He indicated that he was going to cancel the profiles since there isn't much point if I'm not participating. I looked this morning- the profiles are still there, he removed his portion and replaced all the text with "Currently on a break from the lifestyle". Does he really think I'm going to resume? He is in serious denial if he does. (I haven't called him out on it yet- keep reading and you'll see why) His single male profile is still intact. He bemoaned the fact that without me, his chances for action plummet- guys just do not do well at the clubs if they come without a female partner. It's not a new complaint of his, and it confirms my status as "bait"...
Part 2- H asked if I was making plans to leave, he was picking up on those kind of vibes. I confirmed that I was, and he asked questions which I answered honestly- that I was approved and they were waiting on a security deposit, which apartment complex, the rent cost, etc. I also told him there was no way I could work on this relationship without the help of a neutral, 3rd party counselor. He agreed to go if that was one of my conditions, and it is, so he's going- his only condition is that it's not at the same practice as my IC. OK, that's fine... Next question was do I stay here or leave while we work on the marriage. I decided to stay put an extra month or two to give the MC a chance. We both had mixed feelings about separating- he felt the same way, that we may both be happier apart, but we should make a last effort to salvage 20 years of marriage. I pointed out that we still could work on it if I was out of the house, but H thought that it would be easier if I stayed while we did because if we can work it out, it means avoiding trauma to the kids, answers to the rest of the family, etc. I agreed and notified the apartment manager to put my application on hold, I'm not canceling it because I may still need it later.
So current status- I'm calling a MC first thing tomorrow and getting an appointment as soon as possible. I'll see how it goes after a couple of sessions, and rethink my living arrangements at that time.
