Scared and need advice

[ShockedOne]

Just don't assist in advancing. He can push all he wants but you need to remember that time will be on your side. He is sprinting but it is a marathon, he will run out of steam if you are not cooperating in advancing the process

[LookingFrAnswers]

Thank you S O! I am writing that in my solution journal to read on a daily (or hourly) basis!!

[LookingFrAnswers]

OK, sending an SOS! My H is really pushing now, and I have been doing my best to delay getting together to "talk" because he wants a D. Last week was totally the week from hell at work & with broken water heater at home, dog getting skunked there's more but I won't waste time on all that.

My DB coach suggested at our last mtg. that I ask him to put his thoughts in an email so I have time to think about it. Also since our anniversary was yesterday, & I knew that would be hard to get through. So got through the anniv. OK, took my niece & nephew w my sisters to the science museum & to see a movie. Had a nice day. So today, I open his email. Some choice excerpts:

First he expressed some annoyance that we couldn't get together last Sun. because I did some GAL & didn't feel like ruining another weekend day.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear and I'm very sorry, but I'm done with the marriage. I've said that the last 3 times we've talked and we don't seem to go forward from there. I also know this seems sudden to you but I've been carrying my dissatisfaction around for a couple of years. I don't know why I didn't say something sooner... I guess I hoped things would get better. Regardless, I didn't say anything and I should have. That's my fault but something I can't undo.
In talking to the attorney, she suggested that the cheapest and best way to do this is as a dissolution. That means we have to agree on everything (the house, the stuff in the house, the dogs, etc...). He says we need to sit down and figure all that out. Also he doesn't think it's a good idea to try and sell the house now so we'd have to decide who wants it and what that entails. (May I add here that our house has a rental property vacant since last Sept., that he has been pushing to get a tenant in the last few wks., before I knew of his wish to end the M. I know he wants the $$ since he's been out of work since June but doesn't really seem like a good time to further complicate our situation to me!)

He says he wants to start the process. "And continuing what we're doing is only keeping us both in limbo and (I think) generating false hope for you."

He added that he wanted to meet on Sun. (our 11th anniversary!!!) and discuss this! Says he wants to get "the process started next week" (now this week!) and he'd rather we talk through things before I file.

I am seeing a lawyer today at 1, my co-worker referred me to her. Something is making him push this now, could be his friend who wants his house back to himself, or has told him how great divorced life is (as he's done it 3 times himself).

I have kept repeating that I don't want a divorce, can't stop him. Re working on the marriage, he states there is nothing to work on. Guess I'll have more legal info after I meet w lawyer but for those who have been in this position, what did you do? Feeling in need of some reinforcement. Is there anything I can do or do I just let him go ahead w his "filing" & keep my stance? After emailing my sister I came right to the board - I feel like folks here understand. If someone told me in Feb. I'd be here today I would say they were crazy. Even though he left the last Sun. in March, part of me still can't believe it's come to this. Thanks to all the great people out there who share their hard-won wisdom & advice.

[Laurie]

Dear LFA,
You and I talked about trying to slow down this process, but this might be a time when you are forced to take steps to work with your H if he is getting pretty angry. So, below is an example of a hypothetical response that continues to clarify your desires for the M, yet offers some willingness on your part to work with your H. My example is just to offer a chance for you to explore what you think would be most helpful.

Notice that I am encouraging him to take the next step to define what he thinks is fair and to do it by email. I am keeping in mind how hard it has been for you (in previous meetings) to understand what your H is thinking. It didn't seem like a face-to-face meeting would be very productive (could be just frustrating, right?), unless he at least offers his thoughts in some tangible way for you to understand. What do you think about that, LFA?


OK...here are the quotes I am responding to:

I also know this seems sudden to you but I've been carrying my dissatisfaction around for a couple of years. I don't know why I didn't say something sooner...

Thank you for acknowledging that this is sudden to me, as you have taken years to get here and I've only had a very short time. Yes, I have needed some time to get over the shock. And, as you know I would like to work on our M, but I am now beginning to understand how determined you are to pursue this.

In talking to the attorney, she suggested that the cheapest and best way to do this is as a dissolution. That means we have to agree on everything (the house, the stuff in the house, the dogs, etc...). He says we need to sit down and figure all that out.

I want to do this the best way, too. I am willing to sit down with you to discuss the house, our stuff, and the dogs. H, it will be very helpful if you let me know before we meet, what you think is fair. I want our next meeting to go better and I know getting things communicated before we meet will really help. Then, I will get right back to you to so we can arrange a meeting to talk it through. I am really sorry it has come to this. I wished it could be different, but I will take the steps to work with you on this.

LFA, he is certainly pushing at this point. If you offer to work with him, I wonder if he will be less intense about pushing this. He may not, but right now he may feel he has to get pushy if he thinks you are resisting. If you take the "perceived" resistance away, he possibly might push a bit less.

Take care dear LFA.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Laurie,
Thank you for replying! I like your response to the above quotes, though it sure seems like my comfort or lack of it is of little concern to him right now. Re: your last paragraph, I think you are correct. After talking to the L today, I learned that our legal options in Ohio are divorce or dissolution. He can file a D on his own but we both have to agree to a Dissolution, which is cheaper, takes less time. Of course I don't want either but I definitely don't want to go the divorce-lawsuit-court route. The L advised that we should NOT discuss "things" for a dissolut. until we run it by the Ls 1st. But she said he's free to tell me what he wants but don't agree to anything. So maybe I should not say that I agree to talk about house, dogs etc. but hear him out. L made a suggestion, which kind of goes against DB, but maybe would be good in my case? Tell H that I talked to a L & understand the options, but before we get Ls involved could we see a MC just as a mediator, not to save marriage, so I could get understanding of what happened? I let her know I was blindsided, think this is a mistake & still don't understand why he left. Do you think this is worth a try? I wish I had time to think about this, like he does all day(!)

It looks like things are against me, & L agreed. If I say no to furthering the D or Dissol. he can file for a D. The dissol. is lesser of 2 evils but I have to agree to the process. I really feel i'm in a corner. He is trying to rush me to a decision or force me into a lawsuit. I like your language above & will use the 1st quote. For the 2nd quote, I like the language but now that I've been advised not to do that, maybe just use the part about wanting our mtg to go better, yes we can meet etc. I hate that he's brought Ls into it, but am also worried about the legal stuff & money. This gets scary when everything we have is mixed together. If he really wanted to he could take everything. And I dont' know who I'm dealing w anymore. :-( L, thank you so much for replying today!! You don't know how much it means to hear from you right now. Am tryng to stay positive but having a hard time. Thanks for being there.

[Laurie]

Hey dear LFA,

So maybe I should not say that I agree to talk about house, dogs etc. but hear him out.

Offering to "hear him out" can communicate that you understand he wants to make some progress and you are willing to do that versus stonewalling. It can offer you a sense of what he is thinking as well.

Tell H that I talked to a L & understand the options, but before we get Ls involved could we see a MC just as a mediator, not to save marriage, so I could get understanding of what happened?

You are not asking him to come and save the M, only to help you understand his decision. So, this offers a much less pressurized situation for him, plus can again offer some insight to you. Also, it can show that you are taking steps to adjust to his wanting to move forward. He may or may not be open to this, but unless you believe he will have a highly negative reaction to this, it seems worthwhile to try.

LFA, please keep in mind that any advice you get from anyone, needs to be weighed against what you believe the outcome would be. So, please avoid any suggestions that feel highly risky that could get intense and angry reactions from your H, OK?

This appears to be a time to balance taking care of yourself financially, emotionally, and spiritually, as well as trying to remain civil during this process. As that can keep the crack open in case your H really has second thoughts about this.

And dear LFR, how are YOU doing? Are you holding on to some good friends or family for support right now? I hope so. You have a dear heart. As my heart goes out to you, I am aware of how this situation looks like right now and it is good to prepare yourself. I also know that as determined as your H is to get this D at this time, it is hard to know if that motivation will stay that certain. You have my deep support.


Take care,

[LookingFrAnswers]

Dear Laurie,
Thank you once again from the bottom of my heart! I will keep all of your advice in mind during this difficult time. I'm trying to keep it together with mixed results. I am just now getting ready to call a new counselor (for IC though she does MC) because I got rid of the MC I saw from Mar - June, due to her anti-marriage, anti-H stance, (at least it felt that way to me, also felt judged for my DB efforts). My sisters are there for me, and I am reaching out to old friends as I am not inclined to keep this to myself anymore as I had felt like doing before. Your support means the world to me, and your advice has been so great in every instance, I think it has gotten me to the point of at least getting H to talk to me. It feels like there is no hope except when I talk to you & come on here. With your guidance at least I can know I did everything I could to try & keep D from happening. You remind me that at least I have my dignity & keeping things civil, even though I feel like lashing out against this pressure, is the best way to go.
Sending (((hugs))) and my deepest appreciation for your help. Bless you!
LFA

[Stronger]

LFA,
I'm not going to offer advice since you have Laurie....who could be better? Listen to her.

But I did want to let you know I got the EXACT same email from my H in January and similiar emails in April.

Now he and I are dating. Have been since about May.

In January and April he saw his lawyer. In April he said he got the paper drawn up. I refused to sign on the grounds that we have a child and never sought professional help and frankly, I don't think running from problems solves them and that's what a divorce for him and me would have been. He was PISSED everytime I answered this way. But I stood my ground. Counseling first, then we'll talk about divorce if that doesn't work. "Well it won't! I want out! I want a D!" I would say "I understand. You've explained this to me before and again, I would like counseling so I can be as sure as you." Infuriated him. I told him "This conversation is old, you always get so upset, so maybe you should stop bringing it up?" Eventually, he did.

Hang in there. If you don't want this, don't agree to it. I told H, I'm not trying to be difficult I'm not trying to make your life harder....but this is not what I want so I can't help you with it.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Stronger,
What a great story! Thanks so much for caring enough to share that. Food for thought. You are certainly a brave woman, and your name definitely fits you. I really feel for you with a 3 yr. old too. I can't imagine how hard that must be. He sent me another email yesterday too that went in my spam & he thought I was ignoring. It's completely twisted. Thanks for lending me some of your strength S! I hope your situation continues to improve.
Warmly,
LFA

[hhh]

Stronger,
I am in a somewhat similar situation as LFA and have also been following your story - it is an inspiration to many of us! If you have a chance do you mind checking out my thread "just want my H back"...i know every sit is different but any guidance during this scary time would be helpful for me as well.

(SO Sorry for the hijack!)