H went off this morning. He actually told me where he was going-something he hasn`t done in a while. Also left his cell phone lying around and his credit card pouch lying around too, which he hasnt done in a while either. And kept busy attending to house and garden yesterday(another thing he hasn`t done in a while) and took the kids off in the pm.
I`m dressed to kill( and boy, I would just love to kill him but I`m trying to focus on forgiveness and letting go...)have been to church with the kids, got some fun lined up for them all for the day.
But since his blowout on Friday I just can`t pretend to be cheerful anymore. I make of point of greeting him when he comes in but I know my tone is more subdued.
My therapist has asked me to be an observer of myself. Its an interesting exercise;I`m asking myself "why am I doing this" for as many actions as I can and also opening myself up to how my heart feels. I realise how much fear I feel from my H`s presence and also how very sad I feel that the M has gone belly up.
Yes, TIF, I`m so glad I managed to stay calm. Previously I used to blame my emotionality for getting H worked up into one of his temper tantrums. Now I know that isn`t the case; he`ll just blow up anyway.I can recover very quickly too if I don`t get upset.
Since I started detaching from H he has tried in so many ways to get at me -locking himself into my bedroom -insisting that I sleep in the guestroom -leaving unpaid bills ying around -leaving me to do all with kids, house and garden -stealing my credit cards -taking my clit kit(you better google for that one!) -taking my vibrator batteries(well, a girl has certain needs...) -snooping through my cell phone -hacking into my PC account -deleting my documents -deleting cell phone contacts -trying to scuper my plans to get away for a few days
I`ve ignored most of the above taunts and found they lost their power for H when I did that(I did insist on staying in my bedroom though-and invited him to return to it if he wished)
The one thing H can get me on is the kids. Threatening to tell them "all about us" is something he has done in the past. He knows I am afraid of that because I know just how devastating it would be for them to hear of S in that way.
He just really has the need to keep me in fear and/or anger. he hates that I am so calm now.
I hugely struggle with my part in all of this. What horrible part in me spawned such a horrible part in H? How can I heal that in me so that I never encounter this raging beast again?
I feel guilty then about the kids because of my part in this has stopped them from growing up in a loving family environment.
Yeah, pity party is up and running here today!
But I`m forging ahead too. Thinking of seeing lawyer this week re my separation rights and what to fight for when that topic comes up again. Thinking of being the one to bring it up! Though I know DB says not to do that.Going to my fav brother and SIl for a couple of days-just leaving a note to H to tell him we`re gone.Going to gather up receipts and statements to brace myself for the financial muddle that we`ve to unravel.
I know in my heart of hearts that I am so ready for H to tunr around and say "Hey, maybe we can work on this M and see where it takes us." It will take a miracle now to make that happen. I am praying for a miracle today.
