Help - Husband in MLC

[SDFoundGirl]

Oz~

Keep doing what you're doing. Acting As If was one of my greatest tools when my H was in this space along with very consistent 180s. Once I started DBing, he NEVER saw me cry, never saw me not fixed up, and was genuinely puzzled and distrustful of my 180s. He told his little one-sided EA that he didn't know who the alien in his house was, and that made me laugh as I was wondering the same thing about him!

As for your H and divorce...my script when my H was considering leaving the house was, "I hear that you need space and think leaving our home is the only way you can get that. I would prefer that you stayed and worked on the M, and I have some ideas about how you can get that space without leaving. If you really think this is the only way, I won't stand in your way, but my preference is to find a different solution."

You can't stop a D in the US if someone wants one (not sure about Australia's laws?), but that doesn't mean anyone has to do any of the work to get it rolling. Your H sincerely believes it's the only way, and his letter smacks of making it a gift to you to soften his own, selfish actions. Don't buy into it. It's just bull, and it's manipulative.

Now is the time to take care of yourself. I'm happy to hear you took a bath and listened to music; you need to continue to do things to take care of yourself *every* day. Ironing can wait. Heck, iron one thing the night before, and it's all good. Treat yourself to having the dry cleaner or a laundry service do it from time to time. Turn your bedroom into your personal oasis...when H moved into our guest room, I transformed our bedroom into a comfy place. Extra pillows; incense, candles and flowers; a comforter I loved. H couldn't say anything about it since in his head he was leaving, so I just did what I wanted.

It's strange to say this, but the summer my H was in MLC fog/EA-addiction is one of my happiest. I worked on myself and finally realized *I* was the one to bring myself happiness and no one else. I met people, took on hobbies (including one that had a profound positive impact on my teaching), and had a lot of fun in the midst of the sadness. I learned how to let go of a lot of things, not the least of which was fear of everything. I came out the other side a better, happier, calmer human being...from being medicated for panic disorder and depression, to being fully off meds and symptomless.

You are going to get through this, and no matter what the outcome is, you are going to look at this time as Important and overall positive. DBing does help save marriages, but mostly what it does is help us save ourselves. DBing is a LIFE skill...and even if you reconcile, it is a tool to use with your H and (quite honestly) everyone else for the rest of your life. I DB my students, my colleagues, my parents, my H...everyone. Why? Because at its core, it's about taking care of ourselves and our own messes and letting go of everyone else's messes or wanting them to be different than who they are.

I'm going to post some advice I came across from Jen_Jam when I first landed here. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY, so much that I copied it and saved it on my computer.

Hang in there! You are going to be okay. Just focus on a happy, relaxed Oz and where you want to be at the end of all of this.

SD