Summer 2009

[Between Tears]

Well, a lot has gone on since I last posted. I had to find another job. Basically, the same job, yet at less pay and no insurance. My last job became so unbelievable cut throat, I just knew they were looking for something, because I was told I was becoming a liability on the company's insurance. We were told the reason the company had to switch insurance companies, because the old insurance company's rates went up too high for our company to afford. We were told in order to keep our insurance, we needed to keep our costs down. I had already watched them replace another individual my age, replaced with a young kid, and they were getting ready to do it with another person who was my age, when I jumped on board with this new job. They had already brought a young kid in for me to train...

This new job is straight days, and this is better for me in court. Less money is going to be tough, I'm not sure if I can make it on what I make now, however, I'm working now, and waiting for something better to come into view.

As for the kids, S has been doing great since he's been back. So much happier, and now enjoying the rest of his summer. D will be back in a couple of weeks. She is still enjoying her job, wants to finish the summer out with them, and plans on buying a car with the money she makes.

I've heard from Dick via various emails. He is still very angry, playing the blame game, and trying to keep me under his thumb, anxious or fearful, while projecting on me, the many things he has done or is doing.

At some level, I see his own guilt for the things he has done... thanks to many hours given to me by Snodderly, and the hours in Counseling. I see through his statements, able to read between the lines, and decipher the meaning behind his diatribe.

He accuses me of manipulating the situation, the history, blames me for running up a credit card to over $30,000 and then having it sent to his address.... as he told me there is a judgment against me, as they have raided my checking account and took my vehicles. Geez, I wonder if I can convince my electric company to send my bills to his house too? No, I don't think it will happen, nor did I run up the credit card he is speaking of, but I'm sure his credit cards are showing totals that high.

He blames me for brainwashing the children, says I'm going to loose them for good. Says I only have one more year of school, and the children are going to see through all that has gone on, as will the people who live in this town, who now, are watching me.

Oh, there's lots he has said, in fact, I don't remember the last time he spent so much time emailing me. He's not receiving the responses he thinks he should. I'm not being nice either, my last response, I told him he was down right hilarious.... Yeah, a five or six word sentence in response to his three or four paragraph email. He has taken a lot of time trying to convince me I'm nothing but a piece or garbage... I guess he is giving it his best to keep me where he can control me, keep me fearful, or maybe as angry as he is. It's not working, I'm so far past that stage in my life, although I think I should be trying to find a place where he thinks he's winning, and lull him into believing he still has control. I'm just not ready to play that way, I still need to be honest with the way I feel or see things, therefore, tell him I find what he says funny.

Yeah, I know, I need to do better, and I can... for on some level, I too must be wanting this to continue.... somehow or someway, or I'm trying to "make" him see he has lost controll over me and I'm stronger than he is....

Ahh, well, this too will change, and change when I'm ready to grow up.