So weird - the list - items 2 through 5 applied to me as well! Now they don't
And that's your answer to the 180 question. Problem is that even if you do the 180's now - there's very little chance that he'll believe what he sees. This "thing" that has happened didn't happen overnight. The fix won't either.
First thing you should do is what you are doing. Give him time and space to himself so he can hopefully process what's happening.
Don't go "cold" and stop doing anything for him. Keep things light.
I'm so pleased that you are looking after yourself. It's all to easy to just say soddit. Your D seems to have a wise head on her.
H will have to see through this fog he's in. Doesn't sound as though he's found what he was looking for. Grass greener etc.
H decided to stay home tonight. We went to the shops to grab some things for dinner (he opened car door - never ever did that), he then pours us each a glass of wine???? I made sure that I thanked him genuinely for both things that he did for me.
Had my bath - lovely listened to some favourite music that makes me happy - ironing can wait another day.
Giving him space, having fun conversations with D and just trying to keep a cool calm head, being polite and pleasant and as normal as I can when he does say something to me. He has not mentioned anything about our M today.
Hugs to you to Mac.
One day down who knows how many more to go. I will take it one day at a time at least I know if I get up in the middle of the night because I can't sleep or need support or advice I have somewhere to put my feeling and thoughts in writing and know that someone will answer.
Keep doing what you're doing. Acting As If was one of my greatest tools when my H was in this space along with very consistent 180s. Once I started DBing, he NEVER saw me cry, never saw me not fixed up, and was genuinely puzzled and distrustful of my 180s. He told his little one-sided EA that he didn't know who the alien in his house was, and that made me laugh as I was wondering the same thing about him!
As for your H and divorce...my script when my H was considering leaving the house was, "I hear that you need space and think leaving our home is the only way you can get that. I would prefer that you stayed and worked on the M, and I have some ideas about how you can get that space without leaving. If you really think this is the only way, I won't stand in your way, but my preference is to find a different solution."
You can't stop a D in the US if someone wants one (not sure about Australia's laws?), but that doesn't mean anyone has to do any of the work to get it rolling. Your H sincerely believes it's the only way, and his letter smacks of making it a gift to you to soften his own, selfish actions. Don't buy into it. It's just bull, and it's manipulative.
Now is the time to take care of yourself. I'm happy to hear you took a bath and listened to music; you need to continue to do things to take care of yourself *every* day. Ironing can wait. Heck, iron one thing the night before, and it's all good. Treat yourself to having the dry cleaner or a laundry service do it from time to time. Turn your bedroom into your personal oasis...when H moved into our guest room, I transformed our bedroom into a comfy place. Extra pillows; incense, candles and flowers; a comforter I loved. H couldn't say anything about it since in his head he was leaving, so I just did what I wanted.
It's strange to say this, but the summer my H was in MLC fog/EA-addiction is one of my happiest. I worked on myself and finally realized *I* was the one to bring myself happiness and no one else. I met people, took on hobbies (including one that had a profound positive impact on my teaching), and had a lot of fun in the midst of the sadness. I learned how to let go of a lot of things, not the least of which was fear of everything. I came out the other side a better, happier, calmer human being...from being medicated for panic disorder and depression, to being fully off meds and symptomless.
You are going to get through this, and no matter what the outcome is, you are going to look at this time as Important and overall positive. DBing does help save marriages, but mostly what it does is help us save ourselves. DBing is a LIFE skill...and even if you reconcile, it is a tool to use with your H and (quite honestly) everyone else for the rest of your life. I DB my students, my colleagues, my parents, my H...everyone. Why? Because at its core, it's about taking care of ourselves and our own messes and letting go of everyone else's messes or wanting them to be different than who they are.
I'm going to post some advice I came across from Jen_Jam when I first landed here. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY, so much that I copied it and saved it on my computer.
Hang in there! You are going to be okay. Just focus on a happy, relaxed Oz and where you want to be at the end of all of this.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're reading this and thinking your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recommitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Sorry to take so long to reply is just going on 6am over here, tried to make sure I got so quality sleep last night since I had none the night before and I have to try and function for work. You have given me some wonderful advice and I can't thank you enough.
I did try to tell H on Saturday that I was not ready to give up on the M and realised he needed space for whatever was going on in his head and that you need to give things a chance first before just instantly throwing our 26 years together away and that.
His response was to shake his head and say he has thought about doing this for a long time.
After that I just left it, that is when he decided to go out Saturday night and not bother to come home that night. What a shocker of a day and night that was.
I would love him to stay with us and not get a place of his own, but fear that because our house changes hands in 3 weeks, we have to move anyway, so this will give him the opportunity he is waiting for I think. I don't know how to or if to even suggest that we find a place together but set boundaries for space (separate rooms etc)? At the same time, don't want to look weak or clingy which is what he does not like.
Still not sure if there is an OW, figure that if there was he would most likely go there now. I am trying not to dwell on this. He still hides his car key and who knows where the phone is, trying to not dwell on these points anymore, I don't want to become bitter as much as it what my head is telling me to do.
The odd nice actions towards me is confusing and I don't know if he is genuine or trying to ease his guilt.
I have a S22 and D18. S is in the airforce and is going to come home shortly on leave to help me move, he is pretty angry with father. D is home with us, she is a very wise, level headed, independent young woman who unlike me is able to bring herself happiness. To think I raised her that way but find it hard to this myself.
H has just left for work, I didn't go cold - got up and got breakfast, made lunch etc, he asked me what I was looking for on ebay (I was acting "as if" surfing ebay when he had breakfast. He then as always, gave me a kiss and hug before he left and said see you tonight.
I plan to go the gym tonight and do my usual classes on a Monday night (even though I still just want to hide). He will be at the gym as well as he goes each night from work and we usually cross paths.
I know he is not "well" as all he does is sleep when he gets home, sits on the couch and that's it, out like a light, don't know if this "fog" is draining the life out of him or what, but he certainly is not the person I once knew. As everyone says it is like and "alien" has moved in.
I will try to today to make a list of things that I would like to do for myself but never did as was being the devoted wife and mother. Time to reclaim my identity. I also though have to think of practical things and find a place for D and myself to live but I am not sure if to tell H what I am doing or just do it and hope he decides to join us? So many questions with so many possible answers.
The points from JenJam I will keep re-reading as at the moment I am trying to absorb so much advice to gain strength from to fight for the M even if it is just me at the moment who is doing it. Friends think I am nuts to bother, don't think he is worth it, but I still love the guy and can't help that, I am not a hard person and try to see the good and positives in everyone even if they are acting like H.
Found when I got to work this morning that H had actually sent me the email on Friday to my work email address obviously forgot I don't work on Friday's. What it mean't though is that the girl who sits at my computer would have seen it. Obviously because I said nothing that is why he resent it Saturday to our home email.
Hang in there. The list from JenJam is one of my favorites. I read it quite a bit.
Quote:
Friends think I am nuts to bother, don't think he is worth it, but I still love the guy and can't help that, I am not a hard person and try to see the good and positives in everyone even if they are acting like H.
Yeah, my friends thought I was nuts too. They mean well, but they care for you and they want your pain to stop quickly. That does not necessarily lead to the best choice. One of the sayings I have seen here that made an impression upon me was "Dont confuse advice with support." Your friends offer support, not advice.
Thank you so much, yes I have been reading and re-reading the MLC board, trying to draw on all the experiences and advice from everyone to find my way through this mess. I know it is going to be a hard road and I am going to have to be strong so I don't give up.
Even my S has just said to me that H has to find out on his own and he will find out the hard way that what he thinks he is going to find by partying all night from club to club and answering to no one will not bring him happiness only misery especially when he goes home at night and that one meaningless fling after another will only make him feel worse not better.
