Just want my H back

[pearlharbr]

Nope, never moved back to SF, just planned to. [Went several times and am planning my next trip for Halloween!] But didn't have any face to face contact for two months. During that time I just focused on GAL and working on me. Perhaps others have a different take on this and it may not be strictly DBing, but here's how it worked for me:

Tried to do 180s while separated in the same house. Didn't work because a)BF did not want to work on the R, b)I couldn't manage to "lovingly" detach so I came across as totally cold and uncaring and c)my self-esteem was taking a beating while I was ignoring the affair.

When I finally kicked him out and detached I was fully focused on me. What I realize now is that unless and until BF/WAS wants to work on the R then it's pretty futile to try things to get them to do that. Back to you can only control yourself. So GAL is key. If the WAS sees you are happy and fulfilled in your own life they can no longer blame you for their unhappiness. Then it's up to them to decide whether or not they want to work on the R. Once they have decided or at least indicated they are willing to think about it, that is the time to show you have changed because they are open to seeing the changes. Make sense?

When BF did start coming around I used the gucci loafer method even though I thought I was through. Meaning I let BF think I was dating and that definitely got his attention. Opinions vary on the dating other people method but all I can say is that every story I've read about people using it ends up working.

Are you at the point of trying LRT? Only you can decide. How much and what kind of communication do you currently have? For me going dark was beneficial. It really helped me get my emotions under control and figure out what I wanted.

But doesn't H deserve to give us another chance given lessons I have learned?

This is exactly the kind of thinking that needs to stop. It's not up to you to choose what your H wants or deserves.

Yes, you need to focus on making yourself a better person regardless of the outcome. If your H chooses to move forward without you then it's his loss. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is with you out of a sense of obligation? Or do you want to be with someone who chooses to be with you?

You can and will come out of this a better, stronger person. I know (honest!) it doesn't feel like that. But it's less painful to walk straight through the fire than keep skirting the edges--it's just as hot but goes quicker.

So let's start focusing on hhh. What are your GAL activities other than travel? Are you trying new things? Getting back into hobbies you let slide? Spiffing yourself up through diet/exercise/clothes/grooming?

Sorry if this is all over the place. I spent the last two days in the sun and it has zapped my energy. But I know for me the weekends were the worst time so I'm just trying to get some response for you.