I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Hi Karen:

I dont think my ADs are working at all. I thought it was because I got a bit more energy but not much and my mind is still a mess. And I am obsessing a lot and the slightest thing can cause a mental breakdown.

I have to talk to my Prescriber about it because I just don't feel good or as good as I should be.

I know I shouldn't email him back and defend myself, but I feel like its wrong to ignore him. I feel like I should email back and just at least say something along the lines of, I understand how you feel etc etc and accept his apology (when he said sorry for saying the he shouldn't contact me for a very very long time). Shouldn't I validate his feelings or something? Tell him I know how hard it is for him and saying nothing about how I feel? Wouldn't that be a 180 because I usually email back defending myself. What if I emailed back not defending at all and instead validate his feelings?

Im just confused. I feel like ignoring him is wrong and I feel the need to just say something nice instead of defedning myself. At least apologize for my last email that ripped him apart. I do feel really really bad about all the things I said to him in that last email and I feel like I should at least apologize for it, validate how he feels, and accept his apology and thats it. Is that wrong to do? If it is, can someone explain to me why?

I just want to understand a bit more. Im just really confused and I cant see how ignoring him and not apologizing for my tirade is a good thing...

I'm sorry if I seem like an idiot asking this, I just don't really understand it and I just want to know a bit more about what I should do and why etc..

Any advice would be great. And I promise, I will follow the advice I'm given. I'm not going to do the exact opposite of what all of you say. thanks

[beepee]

I'm really tempted to send this email to him and I'm posting it here to see if its an ok email to send. If you guys say no, and to ignore him, Then that's what I'll do. Just looking for some thoughts please..


Dear D:

Thank you for emailing back quickly. I appreciate it.
I am sorry about some of the things that was said in the email.
You are right, there is a huge communication breakdown, and we
are not going to fix it by blaming each other back and forth.
I don't want to argue with you anymore so please, lets stop.
I want to be your friend as well, whenever time allows.
Aside from this, I hope everything is going well for you.

Best,
B

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't send it. Ignore him. Otherwise it'll just escalate.

Puppy

[beepee]

Ok, thanks Puppy, I won't send it.

[beepee]

journaling...

what a day. I'm tired of these emotional rollercoasters. I really need to get on track. I can't let a bump in the road get me down sooo low. And its been happening a lot these past few weeks. I'm fearing the ADs are not working because I feel scarily close to the way I felt when I walked home to H packing and leaving me.

I wonder if it'll work out for him before Aug 31st. I don't see any other way he can stay in the country, but I shouldn't be worrying about it, it's his problem. I told him in my email that it didn't matter if he stayed here or not, I wouldn't see him wherever he was in the world. Ahhh I should stop talking about him now. He's gone. He's been gone for a long time and I feel like I was fighting for someone who doesn't exist. How do I continue to DB? It's basically over.

I'm doing DB for myself now. So can I really call it DBing? I'm not busting a divorce anymore. It appears to be inevitable. Even more so when he gets deported. I feel like I shouldn't be here anymore because I'm only working on me now and not trying to get my H back. But its such a great support system either way that staying would greatly help me on the road to recovery.

I am so tired. I did a lot...and I mean A LOT of packing and cleaning today. Running up and down stairs, lifting heavy furniture, packing boxes. What a work out. And my friends bought some of my stuff and I was able to make another $325 from them. Still heading to the Market tomorrow and I am hoping to make at least $300 this time because, well, I really need it! I'm heading into the City next week to hand in the signed addendum and deposit for the aparment and possibly meet my new roomie but I don't think he's currently in the country!

Ok, I have to sleep, I have to be up in 3 hours!! Crazy, I am so sleepy I don't know how I am going to wake up by then but I have to, its for my own good, its for my fabulous future.

[june72]

BP,
I am the worst advice giver on the planet and I'm not the best at following advice. So with that exclaimer, I'll state my opinion.
The one thing that has bothered me about the DB site is the advice given on "getting over things ASAP". I, personally, think it is normal to really wallow in misery for a while and slowly come to terms with things. I don't think people can 1-2-3 get back on their horse and pull themselves together. Everyone has their own timeline to getting over a rough patch. I know it took quite a while to get over my dad's death and I remember getting really offended by people telling me you'll feel better soon.
I know that if I had the email events you had it would be a really rough day for me and it would take a while to get back to feeling better. I think venting is acceptable and it's how a person can come to terms with things.
I do think the move will do wonders- really truly. New scenery really helps out in my opinion. Of course I do agree with everyone else that emailing him back would be a super huge mistake. Also, a small part of me would have the desire to email back with these five words- "You are such an @ss!". Maybe in huge, bold font with a flashing background of some sort to really emphasize the words. I think I would write it and save it to my draft folder and look at it every once in a while-lol.
What if you circled a day on the calendar three months from now and then reassess things? I think life may be better for you. Silly but I like to do weird things like that.
Oh yeah- he is SO looking for your signature- user! IMHO

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

When you start DBing for yourself, you've finally started DBing!

Don't you email him a word! Everything you want to say, you've already said, He knows. And he really doesn't need to hear it again. A lot of DBing is counter-intuitive, and seems wrong. But please trust us, we've got this one right!

[june72]

Meant "disclaimer" not exclaimer- tired here

[mac-ct]

Beeps - listen to Jeff.

I'm still trying to get the same sort of advice into my thick skull.
Thankfully I manage somehow not to do things that I feel I MUST.
And I still don't understand why I'm doing it sometimes.

Where are my books? Stuck in the post!

Honey you are blessed with some of the "big guns" giving you some of the best advice. Please take it. I'd pay to get this advice. You're getting it for free. From people who care for you.

(((((beepee)))))

Mac

[SDFoundGirl]

The one thing that has bothered me about the DB site is the advice given on "getting over things ASAP". I, personally, think it is normal to really wallow in misery for a while and slowly come to terms with things. I don't think people can 1-2-3 get back on their horse and pull themselves together. Everyone has their own timeline to getting over a rough patch.

There is a difference between still feeling the sitch, crying for a bit and venting AND spending all day at this level of upset.

I'm going to use writing as an example here, as I think it applies. A couple of years ago, one of my students announced he had writer's block, and he sat there staring into space looking pained, pen in hand, writing nothing.

He began to tell everyone about his writer's block. As a class, they started to write little stories about B's writer's block. And meanwhile, B wrote nothing.

I finally looked at him and told him to write anyway, that he was stroking this writer's block like it was some sort of precious little pet..."Aw, writer's block, my precious precious writer's block." The only way to get through writer's block is to write, even if you don't feel like it and you're just going through the motions. The more you focus on the writer's block, the more you're going to have writer's block.

The same thing goes with the misery that accompanies these situations. Sure, if I give myself over to wailing and sulking and moping, no one would begrudge me that. But how does that help me move past it? Sitting and ruminating on how unfair and cr@ppy it all is will only make me feel more that way.

That's why GAL is so important. At first it feels hollow, like you'd just like to crawl into bed and die. You might even find yourself tearing up while you're out. And yet...

Slowly you find yourself smiling, laughing, even enjoying your life. It's why I look back at that time and think of it fondly--I had a whole lot of fun once I let go of the notion that I could control anything my H chose to do, and my best bet was to make myself happy. So H didn't want me; HE was going to lose out on an incredible person. I couldn't control it anyway, and it wasn't about ME. It was about him, and he was so Phantom of the Opera gloomy that I really didn't want to be with him until he figured out how to make himself happy....he was under the impression that was someone else's responsibility.

So no one here is encouraging you to get over it immediately. Rather, we are encouraging you to take ACTIONS which will HELP you get over it sooner rather than later.

But if feeling like cr@p and beating yourself up is fun for you, knock yourself out. We're just saying there IS a choice.

Make sense?

SD