I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

journaling...

what a day. I'm tired of these emotional rollercoasters. I really need to get on track. I can't let a bump in the road get me down sooo low. And its been happening a lot these past few weeks. I'm fearing the ADs are not working because I feel scarily close to the way I felt when I walked home to H packing and leaving me.

I wonder if it'll work out for him before Aug 31st. I don't see any other way he can stay in the country, but I shouldn't be worrying about it, it's his problem. I told him in my email that it didn't matter if he stayed here or not, I wouldn't see him wherever he was in the world. Ahhh I should stop talking about him now. He's gone. He's been gone for a long time and I feel like I was fighting for someone who doesn't exist. How do I continue to DB? It's basically over.

I'm doing DB for myself now. So can I really call it DBing? I'm not busting a divorce anymore. It appears to be inevitable. Even more so when he gets deported. I feel like I shouldn't be here anymore because I'm only working on me now and not trying to get my H back. But its such a great support system either way that staying would greatly help me on the road to recovery.

I am so tired. I did a lot...and I mean A LOT of packing and cleaning today. Running up and down stairs, lifting heavy furniture, packing boxes. What a work out. And my friends bought some of my stuff and I was able to make another $325 from them. Still heading to the Market tomorrow and I am hoping to make at least $300 this time because, well, I really need it! I'm heading into the City next week to hand in the signed addendum and deposit for the aparment and possibly meet my new roomie but I don't think he's currently in the country!

Ok, I have to sleep, I have to be up in 3 hours!! Crazy, I am so sleepy I don't know how I am going to wake up by then but I have to, its for my own good, its for my fabulous future.