I have been pulling away and H is feeling it. Yesterday texting asking "what is going on" and "talk to me". Just told him I have some things on my mind. That's when he says "talk to me". I say I would like to talk if he would like to schedule a time to do that sometime next week but I'm not doing it via text. That was yesterday, today he is helping around house and kinda withdrawn like he's preparing for the inevitable lecture about what a f*** up he is.
I don't know exactly what I want to do/say, but I feel like I need to do something. I am so tired of being in limbo land and waiting for him to take action to get help with addiction. I think I have excused so much of his behavior because I know he is sick and I have stayed in this marriage because I hope that once he does get help things will go back to being good. When I actually think of all that has happened I have NO IDEA why I am still here. I know he loves me and he makes an effort in some ways to help around the house and get along, but there is absolutely no honor or respect.
I am pretty sure along with EA with OW he has probably has some PA, one night stand, whatever stuff in this past year while we have been seperated. I had a total epiphany as I sat in the Dr. office the other day and was asked about possible exposure to STD's and I had to say it is very possible because I have no idea what he has been doing. I am mad at myself for ignoring that possibility and putting myself in a position to be exposed by having physical contact with him. But, I am a woman and I have needs and we have been apart for a year and I don't want to be with anyone else and it goes against my morals to do that anyway. I am totally rambling. I guess it just struck me that I am 37 years old and have been with the same man for the past 15 years and I am having to get tested for STD's. Makes me want to throw up. And the worst is, I will probably never know because he will never own up to his behavior.
Why is it I'm hanging in here again????? Oh ya, because I love this man with all my heart and I believe in marriage. I really believe that God has a plan for my life and for some reason I am still here. I pray daily that he will show me the way and make it clear and take my love away if I am not suppose to be hanging in here with this man.
