Hope from the NYTimes

[hoosiermama]

no, not a hijack at all!

no, I haven't had a thread for awhile. mostly didn't feel I had a lot to offer in terms of encouragement. it's been an incredibly difficult year--emotionally, spiritually, and financially, with a lot of healing and more than a few setbacks. as you can see from my signature, the divorce has been final for months. I have to say that my sitch was probably not typical, because--for whatever reason--my xh was "resolute" (his term) and never wavered, never looked back, never reconsidered for even a moment. dropped the bomb, wanted a divorce immediately, refused any communication not aimed at divorce, and things proceeded accordingly. difficult to DB successfully when the other person doesn't even see you as a human being any more. that's meant to be an encouragement to you newcomers, because my sitch was truly not typical in that way.

life goes on; I wouldn't say life is good, exactly, altho I have learned a lot and grown. it's just so hard to see your child(ren) going thru something awful that you have no control over. and it's even more difficult to have no control over fully half of her life, when she's with her father and--as I recently discovered--the OW who D13 is aware broke up our family. that has been the hardest part.

I have reconnected with an old friend in another state with whom I've had no contact for around 20 years. I don't believe in coincidence; his wife left him the month before xh left me. we've been able to be a very good support for each other--lots of parallel process going on. and we're both bloody, wounded messes, hundreds of miles apart, realizing that there's potential for a wonderful relationship but also knowing now is not the time. the only wise course right now is to pursue the tremendous amount of healing I need to do, lean into a good friendship, and trust that God will take care of the rest. no, I don't need a man in my life to be whole, but my sitch is also atypical in that I am rather uniquely isolated--absolutely no family, lost a lot of friends in the divorce. this connection is healthy, and helpful. years of therapy between us!

thanks for asking, Dawn. to newbies--yes, this time sucks. it may be the worst time you can ever remember. the only course of action that makes any sense at all, in retrospect, is to take care of yourself, make your own healing your highest priority--followed closely by your children, and find support--these boards are an excellent source of support, and my best friends are here. everything else is out of your control, sadly, although you can certainly make things worse by pursuing and wallowing. nevertheless, there is hope--which is why I posted the link to begin with!