It is a real struggle atm but I hope it will improve over the next month or so when we start going to counselling and hopefully all these issues come out.
The denial is so thick many times counseling doesn't do much at this point. Time and patience are key. I'm not trying to be a downer at all. I just want you to be aware.
My xw and I went to 3 or 4 counseling sessions. The counselor we had made things worse.
I can't even begin to stress how important it is to choose the right one. You really need to get a copy of Divorce Remedy and read it. It will explain what to look for when choosing a counselor, also visit When Therapy Hurts forum here.
If your wife is willing to go, then do your homework and find pro marriage solution based counselor. She has to want to do the work though.
Keep posting and don't be afraid to ask any questions you may have.
Take care, distance yourself from the drama and stay strong.
Do not be afraid to ask the potential counselor questions before hand. Find out what their views are.
Steve, Counseling is good, counseling is excellent with the right match between therapist and client...but if the client really doesn't want to be there, especially a MLCer, it is not going to help. They become masters at lying and flipflopping and hiding stuff, and sometimes they even fool therapists. Don't pin all your hopes on counseling, and don't try to force her to do it. If she doesn't want to go, don't fight her about it, just go on your own.
Uh, seems like a lot of "don't"s in that paragraph. DO work on detaching and making yourself a better person and being there for your kids. Oh, and protecting your financial future.
With my other posts earlier...'nuff said.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I didn't say much about it, but Steve, I agree with Trapt on finding the right therapist for your sitch. And make sure you study up with DB/DR, MLC resources here, anything you can find on MLC. This is your homework, and I hope you can start it immediately, to help head off other mistakes you might make. And get thee to a DB coach if at all possible!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I like the way you are saying to head off other mistakes I might make.
The truth is its bloody hard to deal with it isn't it. Even now when I have a much better understanding of everything I bet I make mistakes by the bucketloads.
The therapist I have choosen I believe is pro-marriage.
I tell you what its like here - we just went out to a restaurant - wife & 2 kids. They are already starting to hang out more with me because she hasn't been spending any time with them. Everything goes fine though and she seems normal.
We get home she goes into her room, picks up the phone and calls her friend and proceeds to talk like a baby. Silly giggles - I mean real childish - she uses a different tone of voice and says pet pet all the time. Its like with me she acts like an adult but by herself / with her friends she is a child - max a teenager. My 5 y.o. son just came and said mummy is laughing & talking to pet pet - even he can see something is wrong.
There is some thing on the internet where they are selling something about dealing with your wifes MLC and it is exactly like her. You try and talk and get no repsonse - she is texting on the phone all the time and the only comments I get are she needs her space.
I reckon I have done plenty wrong in the relationship but what I don't get is how she can change personalities so seemingly easily.
Has there been anything that may have triggered her crisis? Death of a family member or dear friend, life-threatening health issue, etc? It's not necessary but sometimes there is a trigger.
I understand (as no doubt do others) the change in personality comment. That, and the fact she wanted to be with her party friends rather than her children is how I knew something was not normal about my X. I even wonder if she had developed a multiple personality disorder and in a very calm moment looked her closely in the eyes and asked, "Who are you?"
I would not have been surprised and even half expected her to say, "Sybil".
She responded with her name.
I think it would have been easier if she had answered "Sybil".
Last edited by sleeper; 08/09/0904:04 AM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
I doubt the girlfriend is the "trigger", not that there has to be one.
Yeah, those sort of friends don't help.
As I posted earlier mine became friends with a female divorcee that worked for her and the others she began to hang out with were all single, younger partying types.
AS my C would say your W holds the key to this puzzle and all the issues and their resulting behaviors are generated by her.
Her new girlfriend is simply a symptom.
Like itching is a symptom of a rash.
Makes it worse, of course.
Last edited by sleeper; 08/09/0904:27 AM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Yeah - I agree the new girlfriend is a sympton. The problems would have come up sooner or later.
She ain't helping though because I doubt many people would participate as an equal in her behaivour.
A couple of questions for any of you helping me out here:
1. Do they get over it - are they always going to be a little unstable ? I've never seen anything like this. 2. Do you forgive them ? I think I'd find this hard. 3. How long do you let it go on before you move on ? I think it might help the partner of the person suffering the MLC to at some point say I have to let them go and move on with my life.
