I have felt much of what you have expressed, almost all of it. It's very understandable and to be expected, I guess. And that's why we're all here, to share these moments and help each other get through this.
So many things you've said, I know exactly what you mean. My x was my best friend too, the best friend I had ever met. When we started dating I was very sexually drawn to her, but at the same time I was fearful of losing a good friend if things didn't turn out well in a more romantic R. I let her know I really, really did not want to lose that, our friendship. Ever. Fortunately, we stayed happily together into M, as friends even, for several years -- I still ask myself exactly where and at what point did we stop being friends with each other.
And I really did enjoy being married to xW, for at least most of our M if not all of it.
I also understand the loneliness. I am certain all of us here do. Most of my life I have been a person who can appreciate and make use of solitude. But it pains me to realize every other week when I do not have my two S's here in custody, to keep me occupied, that I realize just how pathetically alone I am sometimes. It really gets to me just when I think I'm immune. I have the Lord God, right? As such no one of faith is ever really alone, right? And yet there it is.
I too often find myself wanting to ask my x the burning question of "Why?" Every once in a while I recall in my mind's eye an image of my xW's previous character. I note the absolute stark contract between the two personalities and am again aghast at what has happened. Thus comes this same refrain, "Why? How?"
But there is the other sort of loneliness to which you allude as well. And that too is very, very difficult to deal with. For me that is, in some ways, more difficult -- and in other ways, less difficult, paradoxically -- than the "simpler" sort of loneliness. If you know what I mean.
Let's just say I try to keep myself pretty busy, so much so that I don't really have too much time to think about any form of loneliness.
But hang in there, lady. As big a pessimist as I find myself being, I still have faith that things will get better eventually. For all of us.
