Ashlee, I think you will understand what I am going to attempt to say. We women start acting too much like a "wife" instead of a woman. Know what I mean? If your H's OW starts behaving like a wife, he'll be through with her.
I wonder if all our H’s wouldn’t be more interested in us if we started acting like we were OW instead of his W? I don’t mean to take on the personality or lack of moral character of OW, but I mean in our over-all feminine behavior.
Think about how the unmarried woman acts around the man she wants. Think about how she talks to him and LISTENS to him. How does she look when she knows she’s going to be seeing him? How does she act around his children, friends and family? If we’re honest, we know that it is all about trying to capture his heart and get him interested enough to want to return his love, time, and attention.
I remember how I worked to put my best foot forward when I was in the presence of my guy, and frankly I wanted him to be quite impressed with me! (lol) If only I had maintained that attitude after I M him.
Maybe your H is baiting you by TM, calls, etc., but OTOH, maybe he doesn’t want to truly cut all ties with you, either. If that’s the case, then you stand a very good chance in drawing him close to you again. In time, the OW is going to start acting more like a wife and become more demanding on him and the rose colored glasses are coming off! That’s when he will see that girl he fell in love with and chose to M. Be ready when he does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hope you're right Sandi. Right now, however, I need to take my focus off of H and what he's doing and focus on me. I think my best shot right now is try to detach.
Days like today make me wonder why I am fighting for him. I know he's not acting like the man I married and I don't like the person I see. He's not the same father he used to be.
I'm so tired of thinking. My head hurts!
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I don't know how I did it, but I was trying to catch up on your thread and somehow missed this last part about your son emailing the OW. So, obviously my last post to you sounded very much out of tune with the subject at hand.
I think your H should deal with your S and it should not be put on you to "straigten him out". After all, he is hurt and angry just as you are...just in a different capasity. Like I said, somehow I miss something somewhere b/c I didn't even see those posts until now, but are you this angry b/c of how your H talked to your S or b/c your S knows what's going on? If not, then what did I miss that has caused the sudden change in you? You weren't this angry when OW was in the hopsital.
Last edited by sandi2; 08/08/0910:24 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think your H should deal with your S and it should not be put on you to "straigten him out". After all, he is hurt and angry just as you are...just in a different capasity. Like I said, somehow I miss something somewhere b/c I didn't even see those posts until now, but are you this angry b/c of how your H talked to your S or b/c your S knows what's going on? If not, then what did I miss that has caused the sudden change in you? You weren't this angry when OW was in the hopsital.
I'm upset at H because of his reaction to S.
I think you may have me mixed up with someone else regarding the OW in the hospital...
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Ashlee- It may not happen right this minute, but the fact that his son see's through his actions will sink in with your H. There is nothing like a man being called out by his own son. He may try to play it off like it is S's issue, but he can't ignore it. I had a similar situation with my S this past week and his dad. Of course he is only 6 but all his pent up anger came pouring out finally and he told his dad how mad he was that he wasn't home and that he needs to stop getting drunk so he can come home. I have been very careful with what information I give to son. My son's IC says don't hide things because then he will assume things are his fault, but I also don't talk badly about his dad. Until recently I had just said dad is having issues. Now I m actually naming it and saying dad is drinking too much and he can't have the kind of friendship he has with OW because you don't do that when you are married. It is so tricky with kids involved. I think you are doing a great job.
The only advice I have is to have patience. H and I had a long talk tonight over a bottle of wine in the vineyard of TN and talked about what he went through. He said it is really hard, that he was TRULY confused, that it was hard to know what he wanted. I really believe H is confused, he keeps going back and forth between knowing what he wants and being confused. FOCUS on you. Do things for you and S. How about belly dancing lessons? jk. Or not. you probably would be a good belly dancer. Okay, I had too much wine at the vineyard, hoping you are laughing, don't tell mom. The house is empty next weekend if you need time away.
Yes, it was wrong. Yes you need to tell him to not do that again. And she's probably blocked him anyways.
Let me ask you this....have you raised S to fight and stand up for himself? If yes, and I have to believe the answer is yes, however misguided that message may have been in the language and word choice...the fact he did it is indicative he's learned to stand up and fight for himself. I say, right on S.
And the conversation for H....S will have to figure that out for himself. Even more importantly, H has a lot of thinking to do. Obviously, this is impacting S.
Sandi really explains things so well, and gives great advice.
It is really hard to 'control' teens, and this can be a great 'teachable' moment for your son. Probably if you can explain to him that being reactive will usually end up causing him more pain, because of the repercussions, it might help. Then explore with him other ways of dealing with his anger over this situation. You may have already done all that.
It's ok for your H and his lady friend to have a consequence like this.
I like your attitude in the midst of this. I don't know if you're really as 'together' as you seem, but you do seem to do a good job managing your stress and the situation, as tough as it is.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
