I really have been swamped with work. I have no idea if I am going or coming......i'm just so busy.
But, I am doing fine...trying to get my footing at work and it is gettting better.....but, at the end of this month, I will be in another department, so sigh....I will have to re-learn things all over again. I am averaging about 80 hr weeks...so no time for checking emails or just taking some time off for myself. If I get some time, I just want to sleep!
My H situation is the same. Need to buy a ticket still to go to Wisconsin for the Divorce. I don't know why I am postphoning/procrastinating this.....but, I am ok with it actually.
If he wants to go and thinks he can do better or he just isn't cut out for marriage or whatever his excuse....FINE! Be my guest.
My fate will not be defined by any other person but myself. I will be fine. I can and am very able to care for myself - broadly speaking. I am still trying to figure out what little things I can do for myself on a daily basis to care for myself. I miss being hugged! But, that is life.
I went out with co-workers last night and had a pretty good time. Its bothering me less and less that they are all married. I feel happy for them and am finally able to not see me and my situation in everyon else. It's not anyone else's fault that my H turned out to have issues he doesn't know how to deal with.
Other than that. I am just taking things one day at a time. My next day off is Wednesday. I get one day off a week and work thru the weekends...so no time. I am trying to figure out how I will emotionally handle the divorce day/weekend...
Hope all of you who have supported me these last few months are doing well.
MJ, what is happenind with you? Where are you at- mentally and emotionally? How are you doing with your H?
I am totally crazy from working.......I am putting in so much time working that I am seriously just too tried to just think or feel anything. I am taking this coming Wed off.....just for some time...........for me. I decided to get myself a massage/manicure/pedicure/facial package and just pamper myself. I feel myself just slipping into some warped world where I am just working and taking care of problems there and neglecting myself!
On the one hand its great to be productive and getting a paycheck
(DAMN I love getting a paycheck, its a feeling I am not yet able to put into words, but would never give up...esp at this point in my life).
But on the other, I am just so exhausted from taking care of things at work that when I come home, its already 9 or 10 pm and I just microwave a frozen meal and eat some ice cream and go to sleep......and am up at 5 am and the routine starts again.
I can't tell, but someone asked me how I was taking care of myelf these days and I just sort of looked at them blankly. I hae been trying to figure that out, but had pushed it aside again....but, this wednesday I will hopefully have a nice few hours and then I'm thinking of catching a movie and maybe if I can .......end the day, meeting up with some people/person for dinner....
No idea what is going on with my H. He has texted me and called me but honestly, I have stopped initiating contact. Then last week he asked me to send him a current picture of me at work???? Whatever....he called me a couple of days later and asked again in voicemail. So I had a co-worker take a pic on my phone and I emailed that.....whatever that is about. You are divorcing me but want pics of me???? Is my life for real. I have stopped trying to figure him out. I have no idea what is going on with him....I can only know that I have to be on my own right now when I am so exhausted on a daily basis. He has really abandoned me at time when it would have been really helpful BUT I have come to realize I don't need him! Its an empowering feeling.
I think I am totally in denial about my upcoming divorce. I know it, I have bought my flight tickets and hotel reservations....I am just trying NOT to think about it..... Iknow that its coming and I figure I will deal with it when I get there. It looks like we are staying together....and spending the weekend together!? My life is just too UNREAL right now. It feels like an out of body experience that has no reason or logic attached to it.....its weird. I am just trying to get thru my days one day at a time! That is the only plan. Learn as much as I can this year at work...and am taking that one day at a time as well. I put up a calender this month and am just crossing off the days.......to what? I'm not sure. But to better days...whenever that may be!
OH yeah! One great thing is that I have planned a 4 day hiking vacation with my girlfriend in March! I know its a while away, but.....
I also am thinking about a trip to Greece prior to that. I just mentioned that to H a couple of weeks ago and he said "OH! I would love to go to Greece. And I would like to pay for it." I just got pist. This is my idea and my vacation. I can pay for myself and I don't want anything from him. I told him that. I added that it would be something to thnk about...him coming with me, but we would be paying for ourselves! We ended up dropping the subject.
For God's sake, he cannot take over......like I said, I have no idea what he is thinking and where we are headed. So that is where I am at these days.....I think I'm maintaining a PMA for the most part.....and more importantly each day by myself brings me closer to my own true authentic self...which I love actually! HA !!! That sounds conceited, but its not how I meant it. Ok. Need to get some rest. I miss being caught up with everyone!
MJ, it meant so much to me that you are still keeping up with me....I will get on your thread this week to see how you have been doing. My best to you in the meantime. Lots of hugs!!
Journalling........ Well, I am 3 weeks away from the divorce. Haven't spoken to H in a while....not sure when the last day was.....I'm just so swamped at work its hard to sit and keep track. I have recieved a couple of emails, but have not responded...didn't really see the need. They were FYI emails and well........i was informed.
I'm nervous about going. What does one wear to their divorce hearing? What do you do after?
Hmmmmmmmmm, maybe need to start thinking about that...any suggestions?????
My advice would be to wear something professionally/sexy. A "what in the world am I doing" lasting picture of you in his mind. Definately not flip flops and capris. Although I'm sure there are some that do. It wouldn't be the look I would be going for though.
How was your spa day on wednesday? Did you have a great "pampering me" day?
Sounds like you are getting the "His loss" attitude. That would be the attitude I would go in with.
As far as afterward, I would have a good friend or family member near by who I could go do something with. Lunch,Dinner,Drinks!
Thanks MJ, Yeah that is what I was thinking...not sure exactly, but will start thinking about it sometime on my next day off. I think he wants to have dinner and drinks afterwards......I asked him point blank a couple of months ago and he was vague but said "we will probably be the only couple who goes out and enjoys our night after a divorce." At the time, I was so confused. Now that remark just makes me mad! He can't make it better by taking me out for a night on the town....sigh...its so complicated.
I decided he hasn't brought it up and so well......I will just make my own plans and we will just go from there...I called a friend in Milwaukee and hoping to hear back from her. Maybe I can just go out for dinner with her...don't know.
I agree with your dressing advice...its just hard to think sexy right now when I am so tired. But next month should get better...so will think about it then!!!
My spa day was so amazing!!! I loved it and enjoyed it. Then around 3pm called a friend and she started in on my H and how can I possibly consider taking him back, etc...etc...
Suffice it to say, my day was shot after that. Couldn't get to sleep until 2 am and took me a day and a half to get over the fact that my friend called him fickle and I couldn't defend him, and yet, I don't want them saying bad things about him to me.
Go figure, 1 step forward..1 step back!!! I just am trying to make it one day at a time. Know what I mean?
Hey Orchid1, Good to hear that you are keeping a PMA. Your work schedule sounds quite grueling. Good to hear you took a day off for yourself.
I agree with MJ & wear something business sexy, that's what I did. I don't want to scare you, but you will have to take the stand & answer some questions. Mostly, if what is on the paperwork is true. The other question you will get asked is if you think the M is irreverically (sp?) broken. That question through me for a loop. I answered yes. Why? Well, because my H had left me almost 2 years ago & I was ready to end it myself, I didn't feel the need to blame him because that would not bring us closer together. I know it doesn't really make sense - yet what of this does?
As I said before, my xh said the same thing - get D & then maybe date. I believe, that is the little boy in them trying to wipe the slate clean & start over because they do not have the knowledge or strength to find or try another way. (The little boy is winning out over the man in making decisions). They do not understand that emotional support & security (not being abandoned) is #1 on our list.
As for going out after, who knows. I mean I wanted to do that with my xh after D. Yet, my sitch was different. Like I said, I had way more time to adjust to the fact. In your shoes, I would be confused, hurt & angry about that offer. Yet, just because you get D does not mean that your H doesn't care about you or love you. He just doesn't know what makes him happy nor how to find the road back to a happy M. After D, my xh & I walked to our cars together & chatted. For the 1st time in 2 years he actually said 1st that he loved me & that he would always love me. That was something I had always known. We even kissed & hugged a few times. What was the driving factor in my xh to D? I believe, Guilt of leaving me, guilt of his debts, pride, society, the little boy in him making the decisions, as well as not having the tools, knowledge nor strength to take the long road back of repairing our M.
I was wondering if your D was in Milw - that's where I am. Sorry to hijack your thread.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Hi msMelancholy, thanks for your relply. And you are NOT hijacking my thread...not at all.
Yes, my D is in Milwaukee and I will be flying in on the day before. I am a bit nervous...obviously...
I'm so glad you told me about being asked questions. I have been trying to get an answer about that for a long time. I could just not show up, but somehow, I just have to.......for me.
I may tear up when asked if I think my marriage is irrevocably broken.....bc no, I don't think my M is irrevocably broken......and then again, reality is ......... "yes I do. Bc you cannot have a marriage with just one person." Can I say that? I mean it doesn't really matter if I say yes or no...this D is going thru...so what is the point of that question?
As far as dating after...right now, I don't care. Really, if I was not thinking of how this will affect us in the long run, my family and his...........I would be so much more agressive and just say, "fine....u dont want me....ok...go" I have more pride in myself than to beg you to stay or to have you stay at all or at any costs!
But alas, life is complex. I am treding very cautiously and carefully. I have brought this man into my life and my family's life. Its complicated. My foremost belief in life is that you have to work for what you want. This one is tough...cuz both of you have to work for what you want....and you have to continuously want the same things.
I know I have lost this round, this battle in life ....but, lets see about the war. Life is full of many things...marriage is just one of them. Its funny really bc the last time I spoke to him he said he was looking forward to seeing me....and I said "Really?" (Its been awhile since he has been excited to see me), but the sad thought was......I am not looking forward to seeing HIM. I don't know why, but I think I can almost escape the cruelty of it........down here........by myself. Its hard on the days I speak with family...cuz I realize I won't have that....but, most of the time I am working and in another world.
SIGH!! I know I will be fine. Just need to work at getting a plan for emotional stability for that weekend. My friend is picking me up at the airport and I will spend the day just shopping and doing not much...at 5 or so she will pick me up again and take me to her home.....for dinner and drinks....and then drop me off again to my hotel. H comes the next day, I think and that is the D day....so I just have to make it thru that morning....by 1pm, I should officially be divorced! Done! In a way I will be relieved...its been this nagging thing over my head for the past 4 months...this thing I have been fearing!
I will work on my sexy business look tomorrow! Thanks for so much support, MsMelancholy and MJ and all of you who have been there for me, these last 4 months.
How are you doing girl! One day at a time remember.
Do you read Rejoice Marriage Ministries? I couldn't remember if you did or not. If you have, remember what Charlyne and Bob went through. If you haven't, go to their website and read what they went through. I think you will be blessed by keeping them in mind.
Please check in soon and let me know how you are doing. Your probably busy working. I'm still trying to figure out what you do that keeps you working so many hours.
Remember Positive... The Joy of the Lord is your Strength.
I've been following along, but haven't had time to post. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and remember you are stronger than you think. You go back for court and blow H away! Show that confidence you've been gaining, look amazing and show H that you're doing just fine without him. Be that woman that only a fool would leave... and y'know what, you already are!
