Sorry you are having to go through all of this. I know how hard it is to read stuff like that. I came across letters my W wrote to the OM (she couldn't mail them yet because he didn't have a "secret address" yet. She too wrote that she could not control herself around him, that he had so much control over her.
I'd say you're not disgusted because you emotionally in shock. That's how I was at least. Take care of yourself.
