Man, my mood swings all over the place. I'm not in a good way right now, even though I know that will likely change. Just feeling like crap.

Still lonely. Realizing (again?) that I may have lots of acquaintances, but few if any real friends. Right now, MIL is one, and probably shouldn't be. I am starting to feel guilty and in the way of her relationships with her kids, and am contemplating telling them so...scary, because then I would be even more alone. But I don't want to be selfish, either.
Most of my social structure was centered around my marriage. My x was my best friend - that's completely gone. My friends were mostly couple-friends. And remember that the gf was one of them. Most, if not all, of that is gone. I've been back and forth about "bff" down the street, part of another couple we had all hung around with and went on vacation with. Seems that me, on my own, might not be so interesting or able to fit into their lives. Last time we really talked, she called me to complain and be indignant that x had completely ignored her, drove right by without so much as a wave - did I know why? Um, no....I think their friendship might have been more of the connection - I was the "extra-credit." It fed her ego (x was/is charming, handsome, funny, etc.)
The rest of my social circle centered around his large family. After 20+ years together, I had considered them my sibs, too. That has all gone with the wind for the most part.
My sister came back into my life, but I think it was for a short term. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't like me very much.
Splitting the week between two schools, I am never in one building to really cement any lasting, close friendships with the other teachers and staff I work with. I have people I eat lunch with, talk to, etc., but nothing outside of school.
Reminds me of jr and sr high school. I was never invited to parties or to hang out, really. I had one or two close friends each year, then met Chuck. I guess it is something to work on with IC. But it seems to be so much harder now - everyone is married, or has their own lives already set up and are busy. Not sure how to "make friends." Just seems like more and more periphery people when I do get out and GAL.
The closest friend I have lives a state away and we don't get to be together too often.

I miss being married, having someone to talk about the day-to-day things with. Little stuff like making dinner together, bouncing ideas off of, talking about the news.

The thought of starting all over again with a romantic relationship is exhausting. I am about to go back to work full-time, continue my grad work, raise two kids and take care of a house. I have never been good at time management and can barely hold those things together on my own, while I try to squeeze in any art making, church, other outside interests (which just aren't doing it for me so much anymore). There is no time and I have no energy.

The first 16 years of my life, I spent trying to please my mother and be loveable to her - she was an alcoholic and did the best she could, but it wasn't very much. We didn't play together, there were no playdates with other kids. I made do, became resourceful, but I was lonely. I started crushing on boys at about 10, and right before I met Chuck I had decided that this was it - I was destined to be alone and should just accept it. My personality (the nice, plain girl who was a great starter-friend) and my looks just didn't add up to anyone ever being interested. And, other than Chuck, there hasn't been any romantic interest in me, my whole life.

Seems like I am right back to that place; but now it's worse, because I was loved for such a long time, that I was finally convinced that I was loveable - only to be rejected and betrayed in the deepest and most complete way.

I guess I should be grateful for the years I did have where I was really happy and knew joy - not everyone can say that.


I feel like sending this out to everyone I have ever known, just to ask them what is wrong with me.