I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[karen43]

I think the reason why he blames you is b/c it's so much easier to blame you than look at himself. If he makes you the "bad guy" then he doesn't need to look at himself. I've had that kind of R too. It's not healthy.

But you know with DR, we believe that you can change the cycle. You stop emailing, stop defending. I was depressed too and felt so guilty for a long while, but I realized so what? Everyone has their #s and I also believe my H helped contribute to it by his own actions (name-calling and yelling type stuff). Not being supportive at all. But you know what, he probably did the best he can at the time just as I did. So focus on now and what you can do now. Stop emailing him in response. Maybe if you can do it you can just delete the emails before you read them, but I personally might not be able to do that so just saying.

Everyone here is being supportive of you. Yes, vent away. When someone here posts something they are trying to help you. If you don't like the advice, don't take it. But I have to say most all of the advice I see posted here is pretty good. I found out really quick that I tend to get the same advice here as I do at my C, but of course for free.

[beepee]

I'm sorry if I came off rude Stacey, I didn't mean to. I'm just so broken.

And I know you think you miss him, but I think mostly you miss who you wish he was, who you thought he was -- the idea of him.

You're right, youre absolutely right. I thought he was a better person than that. I am sure he is, but I am sure there are things going on with him that would explain his behavior. I miss who he used to be.

And I know you said you weren't going to sign the papers, or e-mail him, etc. But you've said things like that before, and then you backslide and contact him.

I know. But this time I'm going to do it. I think what happened today has made me realize whats important in my life. Remember when I wrote earlier that my friend arrived as I got the email and I was crying my eyes out. Well, when she left, I felt alone again and I read his email over and over and sat on my bed crying and just a few minutes into crying, another friend knocked on my bedroom door out of nowhere and she was there to support me and give me all the hugs I needed.

My friends are always there for me, and you are right Stacey, I love my friends. But I just mean the one person I love in that intimate way, its a different kind of love. But I just see this as a sign, that my friends just happen to be drop by (when they live an hour away) when I get hit with an emotional bomb. I am so grateful to have them and they are so important to me and I need to focus on myself and my relationship with my beautiful friends.

Have you read "Divorce Recovery" yet?

I've read Divorce Remedy, is that the same thing?

And I think you have to move forward with the assumption that he is gone forever -- it's the only way for you to get on with your fabulous, independent life.

This is going to kill me, but I know I have to do it. He's not good for me right now. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I have to. I can't let this kill me, I feel so weak right now, I feel like giving up everything and disappearing but I will not let this mess kill me.

[beepee]

Maybe if you can do it you can just delete the emails before you read them, but I personally might not be able to do that so just saying.

I personally wouldn't be able to do this.
But I'm not going to email anymore.
If he emails again, I'll do exactly what I just did and post it up here. He's gone. Theres nothing left to do with the situation but focus on my life instead, as hard as it may be. Life will be really difficult at first without him, without hearing him talk, without being able to look at him and touch his face, hug him, kiss him, tell him how I love him, hold his hand, hear him laugh. But all of that is gone now, I know and my heart is sinking so quickly ... but I have to pick it back up and get going.

I will fall in love again because love will always find a way for two fools in the rain.

[beepee]

Why does he say he's not happy about getting a divoce and he doesnt want to do it but he has to because its for the best?

If he doesnt want to do it why is he doing it???
If he's not happy about it, why is he doing it???

How is it the best thing to do??

It doesn't make any sense at all..

[davidswife]

Why does he say he's not happy about getting a divoce and he doesnt want to do it but he has to because its for the best?

If he doesnt want to do it why is he doing it???
If he's not happy about it, why is he doing it???

How is it the best thing to do??

It doesn't make any sense at all..

Because this is how he keeps you on the hook. He knows you well enough to know what to say -- he knows you're obsessing about his every word.

I would also say that he sounds extremely immature and confused himself.

Remember, you can't control what he thinks or does or says.

Stacy

[Sara]

Right. And it's true to some extent. He doesn't want a divorce. He wants you to sign the paper that you are married. He just doesn't want to act married.

[beepee]

This has really gotten me down. I feel like he left all over again. I fell asleep crying and just woke up now.

I feel so desperate to stop him from getting a divorce that I want to get a DB Coach just for some glimmer of hope but I don't have the money.

I'm going to be another statistic.
Yes, I'm wallowing. But this has hit me really hard because I feel/know this really is the end now. I still had hope before, but all of my hope for this marriage is gone now.

Now I have to get on with packing even though my energy level is virtually nonexistent and my anxiety for the first in awhile is through the roof.

[davidswife]

I'm going to be another statistic.

And what statistic is that?

You've gotten great DB advice here for free, and you don't follow it. I'm glad you realize that you can't afford DB Coaching -- especially since you wouldn't follow their advice. You don't follow the advice of the pros here -- why would you follow DB coaching advice??

I hope you feel better soon. Everything great is waiting for you to get out there and grab it!!

Face it, you haven't been happy for a long time -- you just used the marriage as a crutch -- and now your crutch has collapsed.

You are a kind, smart, well read, fabulous woman. You think no one else sees this?

Beeps, I'm old enough to be your mom, and am dealing w/heavy life/death stuff now, so I'm not my softest/fuzziest right now.

You deserve better -- be better -- do better. When we know better, we do better.

Stacy

[beepee]

And what statistic is that?

of divorce

You've gotten great DB advice here for free, and you don't follow it. I'm glad you realize that you can't afford DB Coaching -- especially since you wouldn't follow their advice. You don't follow the advice of the pros here -- why would you follow DB coaching advice??

I'm doing it now.............everyones telling me to ignore him and I am now.................... and why would i follow their advice? Because it takes time and mistakes to fully realize what you need to do, despite what advice you're given. I'm hit that point now, please give me some benefit of the doubt. At least I am trying, I'm failing, but I'm trying.

Face it, you haven't been happy for a long time -- you just used the marriage as a crutch -- and now your crutch has collapsed.

This was only true towards the end.

Beeps, I'm old enough to be your mom, and am dealing w/heavy life/death stuff now, so I'm not my softest/fuzziest right now.

I am very sorry for what you are going through, I hope everything will be ok and you know that there are tons of support here for you.

[karen43]

I think with time you'll learn hopefully to not respond. It took me a couple months, but I did try to improve in baby steps. Eventually you get there. When he dangles the rope in front of you, just leave it there.

I do wonder if you're ADs are the right ones for you. I think you said you are on a good enough dosage so that's not the problem. You've been on it now for what 6 or 7 weeks? I think what you have now is pretty much what you get. You don't seem to get quite as much relief as I would think you should if it was working properly. You still seem to be depressed and obsessing. Believe me, I was too before my Prozac kicked in also. I think the major number one thing you've got to do is get your depression under control. Once that happens, everything else doesn't seem so difficult and challenging. It's easier to focus on problem-solving. I know I've had family members have to have several before they hit the right one. I had to try two before I found the right one for me.

Karen