My Wifes MLC

[Dawn of Hope]

Her father loves her but I don't think he has ever been one to face issues as they are. For instance I have spoken to him about what is happening and he blames it all on me. In his mind she just needs space and her behaivour is a reaction to me.

Try not to talk to family members (yours or hers) about your sitch except as absolutely necessary. It usually just makes things worse, especially if you reconcile later, and polarizes everyone. Families usually take the side of their own relatives against in-laws, no matter how wrong their actions.

She was sexually abused as a child and her parents never did anything about it - no counselling, no support - nothing. I have got her to go to a counsellor but I don't think she really worked these issues out. Her mother just upped & left the kids and has consistently run my wife down throughout her life.

Bingo! Your W has MAJOR issues left from her childhood, sounds like. This is what MLC is about: having those unfinished childhood issues catch up to the adult, and having to face them (sooner or later; they usually run away from the issues with great speed for a while [sometimes years] before they can bring themselves to face them). Often in MLC they regress (in some ways) to the age they were when the issues developed. That's why so many MLCers look, sound and act like teenagers with a huge chip on their shoulders. Sometimes they see you as the "parent" and therefore, like teenagers, feel a need to rebel against you...sometimes the best thing in that case is to stop giving them anything to fight you about.

You CANNOT help her through this process; she has to figure it out herself. The best you can do is to avoid getting in the way of her working through it. In other words, you can make her crisis worse, but you can't make it better (and I second the comment from someone else that you absolutely must not use any kind of physical force, violence, intimidation or coercion on her, ever! BIG NO-NO!!). Be kind, helpful, and pleasant whenever reasonably possible, as you would be to any stranger...but don't think you can solve this problem for her.

I feel sorry for her and I have handled this badly

When you know better, you can do better. Read the MLC resources on this forum, read DR, read everything you can find on MLC. Then do better.

If you can scrape together the money, I highly recommend that you get at least one session with a DB coach (more sessions would be even better). Those people are worth their weight in gold to those of us who find ourselves here. I had six sessions with Jody, myself, and both my own experience, and everything I've heard about them, on these boards and in the alt, have been universally positive. The DB coaches REALLY help you figure out what you need to do and feel better about yourself and what you are already doing, and they give you hope.

Try to avoid letting her see any materials you are investigating to help with your M, such as DR and related books, this site, charges for DB coaching, etc. They tend to try to skewer you with it if they find out about the avenues you are pursuing to save your M before they are all the way through the MLC.

but her behaivour has not been the behaivour of a rational adult trying to deal with their issues / happiness. I think she feels to get rid of the pain / unhappiness she needs something else. The pain she is feeling can only be resolved by her working on herself - but she will have to figure this out.

See above discussion on what is involved in MLC. She has a huge mess to sort out, but she has to do it herself. Nobody can offer her a shortcut to the process, because there isn't any. This is why you will see on these forums, over and over and over, how important it is to detach from her craziness and work on making YOURSELF a better person...for YOU, not for her. GAL. Look after your kids. Protect yourself financially. Use this opportunity to become a better person, not for her or even for your M...but for you. Only make changes that you want to keep for the rest of your life. In other words, things that you think make you a better person, whether she is in the picture or not. If you restore your M, that is a bonus...the goal is to restore yourself. Remember that all you can control is YOU...so do it!

I hope this helps. Take care of yourself.

Peace,
Dawn