Many of you may have seen my other thread... "She Doesn' Love Me Anymore." All of the history is there... But tonight, as I was working in the yard, I had an epiphany... I had long felt a bit "undeserving" from this group because I have been married less than a year. I am 46 and this is my second marriage... 12 years after the mother of my children. Many of you have been married forever.. with children and that imparts a whole "nuther" kind of hurt on a marriage.
I am thinking about my young relationship and reflecting on the following: 1.) We had both been very unsuccessful in prior relationships/marriages. 2.) We were very lonely... But healthy. We weren't too desperate. 3.) We met on e-Harmony 4.) We fell in lust (but a whole lot of like) immediately. 5.) Referencing #4 so it doesn't sound so bad... We talked for a few weeks on the phone before we met.... and e-mailed. We were probably yearning for something we thought possible to make us happy. 6.) I LOVE her family which acually had an impact on my decision to be with her. 7.) Her children are bi-racial which definitely was a challenge to me, especially with their dad being involved. 8.) Regarding #7... Don't get too self-righteous... That is a challenge that many who judge may not know about... 9.) Once we were engaged... after three months... Of course we rationlized as we are "older" and "know what we want." I got rid of all my possessions (i.e. furniture that "we" didn't want, accessories. rugs, etc...) And we sold our houses and bought a HUGE nice home. One we can't individually afford.
SO...
Did we ever even love each oher? I think so, because I operate from a position of logic and reasoning.... I love her and I will be faithful and commited. She now says I don't love you... Which to me conflicts with ever having said or even feeling love. You can't feel the real thing and then "take it all back" in less than a year of marriage.
I'm almost thinking I should just throw in the towel and say so... I want to work on this, but I'm tired of dancing to her tune... And then I think about everything I just wrote and wonder if I just sound immature... I know feel conflicted.
You might be 'projecting' these 'unworthiness' ideas. There are folks on this board who are at all different stages of relationships.
You and your wife may just be going through a different 'stage' in your relationship and it's easy to over think, over analyze and edit your past feelings.
Give it every chance. But that doesn't mean work 'harder'. Or even show your hand...(don't let her know you are working at it, in a sense).
It's easy to get scared....kind of 'what have I gotten myself into' when you've been married before and now are navigating through less rosy parts of your relationship. But just because this piece of the path has more roots and rocks along the way, doesn't mean it's the wrong path.
Give it time. Learn and use your DB skills. CREATE a beautiful relationship. It's sooooooooo worth it.
The truth is, if you end it, you'll most likely start from scratch with someone else, and then get to this point with them (whether or not you're married to them). To be successful, you eventually have to learn how to navigate these changes in the relationship.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sgctxok, Yes... I could be rationalizing it into a way that it feels easier to deal with. Jumping to the end before it gets here. Taking a ore-emptive strike so to speak. That could be dangerous. There are so many thing in DR that mirror our relationship. I am trying to do everything right, but I do get quite dejected at times. of town until Monday and I have not been texting or calling at all... Only in response to hers, and I keep those short. She texted me last night "been thinking of you..." Maybe the time apart will help..
I want to work on this, but I'm tired of dancing to her tune
I know exactly what you mean, and if I had the time to go back to my way 'other threads, I'd find a very useful (for me) discussion we had over the question of power.
The way I perceive it, dropping the bomb is the ultimate act of power in a relationship. It says, "I'm taking control." So we Left-Behinds are instantly put in a position of powerlessness -- we are, as you put, "dancing to their tune."
What helped me immensely was recognizing what you did -- that I was tired of that. But instead of dropping a counter-bomb, I made a conscious decision to take power back. I started defining what I was going to do. I made clear to Walkaway what I would not tolerate, for example. I set clear boundaries and advertised them. I started to really get what "as-if" means.
And once I started doing that, taking control, "leading" (as @Coach would put it), there began to be noticeable and enduring shifts in WAW's attitude.
So I think you're on the brink here of something important. Ride it out.
What Serenity said. And you already knew that answer, I understand you are just using this forum to vent, and there is nothing wrong with that. Better here than making that call. Shock
Does everyone agree that this dance is bullshit? It's almost like an elephant in the room that no one sees? Whe you are "in love" everything is right.... The elephant is out back in the barn... Why... when you're commited adults do I have to not call when I want to call just to get her to call when that's what I wanted in the first place???? It's INSANE!!!
