I'm scared that if I don't respond, he'll see that I don't want to deal with it anymore and just leave my life for good. Im so terrified of that. But I am soo offended by everything he's saying to me. Its so unfair, he doesnt even think its true that my counselor thinks he manipulative. and its crazy because she said WE BOTH WERE!! And I told him that and he still had the nerve to say that its not true that its manipulative and Im getting bad advice and my therapist is not doing a good job and that shes only telling me to make me feel better about myself. HOW IS MY THERAPIST TELLING ME THAT IM MANIPULATIVE AS WELL making me feel better? What is wrong with him?
I tried so hard to give him the truth about what everyone around me is saying and I have apologize so many times for my role in the relationship and I recognize it and I know what the flaws are and he has NOT ONCE taken any blame for anything whatsoever!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM, Why does he choose to put the blame on me all the time? I don't understand it, this is so f*cking frustrating when you try so hard not to put blame on anyone. I didn't put blame on him. I ended my email by saying that we are both at fault, we both hurt each other equally. And he couldn't even agree with that!!
OMG I'm sooooo heated...
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
Keep ignoring. There's no reason to respond...he's trying to continue to engage you. Bottom line, you have something he wants.
It still feels manipulative.
Can you imagine him looking a little like Marvin the Martian from Bugs Bunny, strange words floating out of his mouth and onto the page? I gave my H a nickname for when he was acting like the alien...for him, it was Phantom of the Opera because he was all serious and depressed and gloomy. For another woman on here, it was Woodtick, because she found them absolutely repulsive. It doesn't really matter WHAT you call them in your mind, but it certainly helped to depersonalize it for us and detach. When our H's were being normal, then we'd think of them as our H's. Aliens, nicknames.
Also, when you find yourself this upset or wanting to respond, one thing that helps is to get busy. We get this nervous energy inside, pushing us to respond, and it really helps to just get active. The summer I went through this, I must have walked 2-3 miles every day. I found the physical activity helped me work out that energy. I joined Meetup groups that met to walk and often just grabbed my keys and set off walking in my neighborhood.
My house was also never cleaner. H would do something hurtful, and I'd channel the energy into reorganizing the cabinets or sweeping the floors.
You have TONS of boxes to pack; every time you feel that urge, go pack a box. Or go for a walk. Or blast music as loudly as you can without bothering the neighbors and full-on dance for 10-20 minutes. I have to tell you, it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay upset when you're dancing to good music.
You're best tool is to get busy when those feelings hit.
IMHO, the emails are just standard alien spew. Poor H, and all he's had to suffer. Droopy Dog...Eeyore...everybody's always picking on him, and he would be SOOOO much happier if EVERYONE ELSE just acted to his liking. *sigh*
He's not happy with himself, on the inside, so there's no way he can be happy with anyone else. Same WAS syndrome.
You work on you. Find ways to make yourself happy.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Go pack boxes...right now. Even better, go take a 30-minute walk and get out of the house. Busy busy busy busy.
Yes, it's all about him, and HE CANNOT HEAR LOGIC OR TRUTH OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT SERVES HIS PURPOSE right now. He's in the alien fog.
So, what are you going to do to channel your energy today?
Fear is never a reason to do anything.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I was really lucky that when I received the first and second emails, my friend knocked on my bedroom door and she walked in to me crying so she was there to console me which I was so grateful for. I spent the rest of the time taking apart the bookcase and going through my kitchen supplies that she wanted for her new apartment. She just left and I'm back to being alone with these emails again.
I promise all of you, with all of my heart, that I will not respond to any of these emails. I have taken his feelings into account for so long and worried so much about him and tried to split the blame equally between us but to him, it is and always will be my fault and that breaks my heart that he would think and act this way. He told me that he never ever thought I could treat him in the way that I did, never. And I told him the same thing. Shouldnt have, but im stopping this cycle right here.
He can do whatever the hell he wants, he can get a f*ckin divorce tomorrow for all I care. And the way he said it, "THIS IS OVER B, WE HAVE TO GET A DIVORCE, ITS NOT WHAT I WANTED BUT ITS FOR THE BEST." What the f*ck is that???
For years I've been blaming myself, being made to feel I was such a mental case and everything I said never made sense because I'm ill. And I'm so sick and tired of it. Just because I have depression doesnt mean everything I think and feel is wrong. I wish he would hit rock bottom and realize his own behaviors. I'm owning up to my negative behaviors, what the hell is he doing.
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
What are you going to do today to keep yourself busy? What's your plan?
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You continue to let him control your thoughts, feelings, energy level, etc.
This is an immature and grasping man with very little care or concern for you.
If you're so scared of losing him, then just sign the ^*&%^$ paper today. Go ahead, see where THAT gets you.
Stop being afraid -- what's the worst that can happen? That he'll pack up and leave and not see you or call you or WAIT!! HE'S ALREADY DONE THAT -- HE'S GONE!
Stop the madness. He'll keep after you until you sign the paper. If you're not going to do it, then why get drawn back in?
I'm sorry Stacey but this is affecting me. How can it not?? I'm allowed to vent arent I??? LET ME VENT PLEASE!!!
I AM ANGRY!!!!! I AM ANGRY THAT PEOPLE CAN BE THAT WAY!!
Whats wrong with me? Whats wrong is that I miss him, whats wrong with me is that I care about him, that I love him and am terrified that this is really over. I am human stacey and I MISS HIM. and it hurts and I can't just get this email and throw in the trash and get on with my life just like that, I am not as strong as you!
I never said I was going to sign those papers for him stacey so I dont know why you're saying what you're saying.
And Yes, I am afraid that he's gone forever and this is making it more REAL. Its F*CKING real to me now ok??
Give me the chance to vent so I can get on with my day! I feel like I can't come here and say anything at all.
I said I wasn't going to email him back, I said I wasn't going to sign the papers. I'm just here to vent because I have lost the one person that I love!!!
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
I'm sorry Stacey but this is affecting me. How can it not?? I'm allowed to vent arent I??? LET ME VENT PLEASE!!!
I AM ANGRY!!!!! I AM ANGRY THAT PEOPLE CAN BE THAT WAY!!
Whats wrong with me? Whats wrong is that I miss him, whats wrong with me is that I care about him, that I love him and am terrified that this is really over. I am human stacey and I MISS HIM. and it hurts and I can't just get this email and throw in the trash and get on with my life just like that, I am not as strong as you!
I never said I was going to sign those papers for him stacey so I dont know why you're saying what you're saying.
And Yes, I am afraid that he's gone forever and this is making it more REAL. Its F*CKING real to me now ok??
Give me the chance to vent so I can get on with my day! I feel like I can't come here and say anything at all.
I said I wasn't going to email him back, I said I wasn't going to sign the papers. I'm just here to vent because I have lost the one person that I love!!!
I never said this shouldn't affect you -- but you do have control over how much you choose to let this affect you.
Ofcourse you're hurt and angry - totally normal, and we've all been there. And I know you think you miss him, but I think mostly you miss who you wish he was, who you thought he was -- the idea of him. Sounds like the reality of him had not been good for awhile.
And I know you said you weren't going to sign the papers, or e-mail him, etc. But you've said things like that before, and then you backslide and contact him.
Have you read "Divorce Recovery" yet? And I think you have to move forward with the assumption that he is gone forever -- it's the only way for you to get on with your fabulous, independent life.
Coming here to vent is good, it's cathartic. I just hope that now that it's out of your system, that you will indeed get on with your wonderful day.
And how is he the "one person that you love"? I thought you had so many great friends?
