Billclay18 needs guidance...will any of you please look at his thread?
Well, well, well...this morning S comes to me and says "I e-mailed the bi!ch."
Here's the e-mail: You are such a bi!ch taking my father away from me and my mother. Your causing so much pain in my family. Thanks so much for breaking my family up bi!ch.
This occurred a few hours ago. H is at work and I expect one or both of us will be contacted once he finds out.
I felt I should talk with S about his use of language...but that was hard to do given the sitch.
I act as if no big deal, right? I did not know about it until after it was done. S is his own person and has a right to express his feelings.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
How did your 14 year old son have her e-mail address?
It seems like if he has an issue with his dad's affair, that he'd take it up w/his dad -- the person in this whole scenario who knows him, loves him, and owes him something. The OW has none of these criteria. And she didn't "steal" his dad, you can't "steal" a person. People make their own decisions.
I would strongly discourage him from any further interaction with this woman. It just creates more drama, more for her to talk to your husband about, etc. You should simply tell him that we don't involve ourselves with people whose conduct is so low.
This woman is just trouble. She is a liar and cheater at best. You don't want your son communicating with her -- do you??
How did your 14 year old son have her e-mail address?
It seems like if he has an issue with his dad's affair, that he'd take it up w/his dad -- the person in this whole scenario who knows him, loves him, and owes him something. The OW has none of these criteria. And she didn't "steal" his dad, you can't "steal" a person. People make their own decisions.
I would strongly discourage him from any further interaction with this woman. It just creates more drama, more for her to talk to your husband about, etc. You should simply tell him that we don't involve ourselves with people whose conduct is so low.
This woman is just trouble. She is a liar and cheater at best. You don't want your son communicating with her -- do you??
My S e-mailed her via facebook - that was my first question when S told me.
Of course I don't want my S communicating with OW.
I would agree, ideally S would talk to H about his feelings. However, I am not going to tell S to talk to his father. S tells me how he feels and the only way H has any clue is when I tell him. I have suggested to H he talk to S but that hasn't happened, not about this. I have explained to S if he wants to talk to his dad, then he should feel free to. I also told S if he needs me there, I will be. But I will not tell him he has to.
My S is 14. In his eyes OW did "steal" dad away from him. S has been dealing with the consequences of H's decision for over 2 months. It's hard for him. I will not make light of it nor will I tell S he is wrong - that OW did not "steal" his dad.
S is trying to deal with a very, very difficult and unfair (to S) sitch. Perhaps this will cause drama...I don't know. What I do know is I don't want S to think he's caused problems for me.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
I would never suggest you make light of this serious situation. It's good that your son is able to talk to you about what he's going through. Is there anyone else he can talk to? Counselor, pastor, uncle, etc.??
The problem I have with the concept of "stealing" a person, is that it takes the responsibility off of your H. Think about it, if she did "steal" your H, then he was a helpless, mindless, victim, unable to change this situation. This is certainly NOT the case.
Unless you're thinking to take all responsibility for this away from your H and just blame OW??
Sorry, just a little confused.
Your S should not be on her FB page - it won't help him. Is this OW a person that he knows from before the A?
And you're doing great, by the way. I've been following along for awhile - you're getting stronger.
Also, I checked out BillyClay's thread. It's hard to post, he seems very confused.
I agree with davidswife about your S not contacting the OW.
But, I posted this on my thread in response to your last post there and thought it should be here:
Quote:
Hope you are doing well. I had to chuckle at your S's actions, cuz I could see my S doing the same thing in that situation. Don't be too hard on him - he's dealing with a lot too. Just make sure to keep your H off your S's back. I would tell H his choices come with consequences, and while S may not have properly expressed his emotions ( ), his emotions are not a surprise given the circumstances. They come from the fact he loves his father and sees that R crumbling.
I would never suggest you make light of this serious situation. It's good that your son is able to talk to you about what he's going through. Is there anyone else he can talk to? Counselor, pastor, uncle, etc.??
The problem I have with the concept of "stealing" a person, is that it takes the responsibility off of your H. Think about it, if she did "steal" your H, then he was a helpless, mindless, victim, unable to change this situation. This is certainly NOT the case.
Unless you're thinking to take all responsibility for this away from your H and just blame OW??
Sorry, just a little confused.
Your S should not be on her FB page - it won't help him. Is this OW a person that he knows from before the A?
And you're doing great, by the way. I've been following along for awhile - you're getting stronger.
Also, I checked out BillyClay's thread. It's hard to post, he seems very confused.
Stacy
Thanks Stacy. I didn't mean to come across like you were telling me to make light of the sitch to S. I'm just trying to get a handle around it and respond the best way I can. I want to make sure S knows I'm here for him.
S saw a counselor last year when he was having problems with kids bullying him (about his acne). Aren't kids great? Anyway, I was thinking of taking S back and after this morning, I will. S does have family and friends he talks to but I think it's time for a professional.
I definitely don't want all the blame on OW and not on H. H is the one who crossed the line. That was 100% H's choice. OW can take responsibility for her choices with her own family. She means nothing to me.
I do understand what you mean by stealing and you are right. My point is I don't think this is the time to point out to S that she didn't 'steal' his father. Deep down I think S knows this. Why he worded his e-mail the way he did, I don't know.
No, S does not know OW. S can't get on her FB page but he has the ability to send her a message.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Hope you are doing well. I had to chuckle at your S's actions, cuz I could see my S doing the same thing in that situation. Don't be too hard on him - he's dealing with a lot too. Just make sure to keep your H off your S's back. I would tell H his choices come with consequences, and while S may not have properly expressed his emotions ( ), his emotions are not a surprise given the circumstances. They come from the fact he loves his father and sees that R crumbling.
Thank you GIMA. My thoughts exactly. S is waiting for his father to call him but I'd rather that didn't happen. H does need to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Just spoke with H. First he called S and told him what he did was wrong and said he is not having an A, she's a 'friend'. Then H calls me to see if I knew about it.
I told him what GIMA said. It was the same d@mn song and dance, he's not cheating etc... I told him I did not have to listen to his lies. He basically accused me of feeding things to S.
I'm sick of it. H is an @sshole.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Don't let your H draw you or your son into anymore discussion regarding this issue. If he really and truly wants to talk about it, maybe you could suggest family counseling for the three of you.
In the meantime, you might want to talk to your son about the drama factor that results from actions such as the one he took. Has he ever seen the "Jerry Springer" show -- 'nuff said.
Also, God forbid that his contact makes the OW feel even more powerful and important than she is.
Remember, the OW is not the problem, simply a symptom of the problem.
) Time for a little peace and a lot of thinking.