Dear PearlHarbr, Thank you so much for your kind response and taking the time to read my sitch. I am thrilled for you that your BF came back. Anything you did to encourage this or purely him on his own? Some of the DB seems contradictory in a way...when I 'let go' and focus on myself, I am happier, but I want to do all I can to save this.
Good question about who i was before. It's a little contradictory in a way, i've always been independent and strong, and a 'go-getter' if you will, and i think my husband admired my experience and background (traveled all over, like to explore city, go out to different places, where he was more homebody in a way). At the same time when we met I had a pretty serious health issue, so I was also quite vulnerable in a way and he 'took care of me'. I think he liked being that provider role, but at the same time admired my independence. Fast forward years later, i think he got sick of some of my health issues (nothing serious now, more maintenance and occasionally anxiety) and also saw me as controlling in some ways.
Oddly, going to business school at a very prestigious school, he then became exposed to a 'whole nother world'...new people traveling all the time, lots of parties and opportunities, and in some ways became more the man i liked (and more like me in terms of my background), but went overboard w the ego (lots of attention, you're the best and brightest, etc) and i think it went to his head a bit. Couple that by some of our issues at home (growing lack of intimacy, fighting over family matters, me wanting him to 'step up' in certain ways, he thinking i was hurting his confidence, etc) and he just decided he didn't want to deal anymore.
It's been over 8 months now and with his new apartment he seems like he's so psychologically distanced. He's also been quite nasty lately and comes over now asking me for $$! (when i've shelled out thousands for his tuition and our rent). when i call him on it he tells me i am selfish and that i brought this on myself b/c i was not a 'team-player'. It makes me sick b/c now that he has the big job, pedigree (whiile i supported him this whole time) he wants out. We always said i'd work through bus-school, then when he graduated i'd scale back and we'd start a family. So much for those dreams!
A big issue for me too is do I stay in Massachusetts or move back to CA where my fam/friends are. I'm in our old apt and he's gotten a new one downtown. I want to stay here - partially b/c i didnt think i could handle moving yet - but also b/c i wanted to see if there was hope for this, if he'd go to Retro sessions etc, but he says, 'are you just going to stay here waiting on me?' If this doesn't work out i think i will move b/c i don't have as much of a support system here...not sure what message staying here sends to him.
I've been feeling a bit better while he's out of the country for August, focusing on myself and work and friends and reminding myself of the good in me. But I am heartbroken without him. These issues are also so solveable I truly believe, and I think in some ways learned that yes, i did take him for granted and I have used this time to become a better person. But we see each other so rarely it's hard to show him. I've cried a few times when we've seen each other. Before he left he said he'd want to initiate D when he got back, but I want to try Retro first. He hasn't flat out said no so I hold out a bit of hope.
I think someone talking to him might help make him reconsider, he does listen to his friends, but again i'm a little nervous about that and would rather have him just agree to Retro. His same friend said when we were having troubles "how long are you going to be unhappy in your marriage?" and that weekend he decided he wanted to separate, so i know he listens to his friends. I think have some hope or encouragement would help, but i guess I can't ask others to give that to him. But I do love him still very much. I am trying to be the best I can be, but would give anything to have another chance w him.
I'd like him to go to Retro so we can at least communicate better and try the post sessions - if he is willing - and if not by EOY (that is kind of my timeline) I move on. Most of my friends think i should just move on... sometimes I feel like I am living off of false hope and should switch gears, but my heart is still very much in love w him and i want to honor my vows.
I will try my best to get my 'old self back' (I feel this most in CA when i visit old friends, so I've been going out there a lot lately, which i can w my job). I still want kids and a family so am getting nervous about starting over too. Just so many emotions.
Thank you for checking in. I welcome your advice or more on your sitch.
