That is one of the great things about this place. People are willing to help for just that reason, to help someone else. No one wants to be here, but thank God for this place.
Initially, just keep your head up and have small goals. All you have to do today is make it through TODAY.
I can tell you that but for this community and DB, I do not know how I would have kept my sanity.
Hang in there. You have a lot of people pulling for you, whether or not they post on your thread.
I think I was guilty of all those tonight. Oh well, at least I know now.
I know each day will be a new learning experience for me with good and bad days and on those long lonely nights, I know I will have someone to talk to at any time of the night. I never thought the internet would become so important, hardly ever used the computer before.
See a small change already, becoming computer savvy, yay me.
Yes the internet, you will find the weekends a bit slow around here, in fact I'm off for another chaotic weekend of being taxi for a teenager (the story of my life hummmm) I don't mind, my S is a blessing.
Listen, first, listen to his list if he will share with you. Unfortunately, some of it really are things that are issues (although in the long run probably not the big issue) that you can change. Ok, he says you call too much. Don't call unless you have to. I know it seems counterintuitive but in reality, you are being respectful of what he thinks he wants and giving him space. My H too said that but doesn't want to give me the same space (like yours). Drove me nuts at first, but to be honest, I have no problem sharing what I am doing, going, talking to etc..., so if he wants to ask, I let him. If he doesn't but we are being nice, I share. Now, two years after he said that, he tells me what he is doing all of the time. I don't care. It is nice to know, but it is funny to see the reversal. I will tell you that we are not reconciling, my he is a definate case of MLC, of that I have no doubt anymore, but we are taking the turtle walk into a new phase at this point.
Right now, take care of yourself. Sleep, eat, basic care. Give yourself time and love. You can only control you and right now you can do one of two things--let this destroy you permanently or take your time, be gentle with yourself and eventually begin to pick yourself up and go on. You have been sick, you sound like a fighter, I think you will be ok. I'll try to check in later today or tomorrow. Asked a couple people to check on you but probably won't see them until Monday.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I agree that the list will have things in it that are issues for him that will have to be dealt with. I'll put money on it being a long list. Don't take offense. Keep calm and relaxed. And listen. heart and soul. They will all be valid for him in his present condition.
As time went by for me, the long list became one issue - one of respect. The others are still there and will have to be dealt with but this was the BIGGY for my W.
I'm sure your H's long list will also reduce to the one big item. Give it time.
Cat - I'm proud of your progress. Girl - see what I mean about time?
Hugs to you both - I'm off to watch the Boks pummel the Australia at rugby
Pain - I didn't get a ticket to Newlands to watch the game. It's only 10 minutes down the highway - should be able to hear the shouting from here
Thanks Cat, it is late here in Melbourne Aust. 12.14am Sunday morning, should be in bed, but can't. He listed his complaints to me the first time he left, I implemented changes which he acknowledged, but it obviously made no difference. I still continue with those changes. He didn't feel he needed to change apart from trying to spend more time with us.
H picked up D from party, pulled into driveway about 20 mins ago, dropped D off and told her to tell me he would be back in the morning. Bam that was out of the blue. D has asked what is going on. Told her as best I could. She told me that she has not liked him for a number of years as he was always putting her down, never encouraging, she always felt that she was not liked by him. She has cried and let go of her feelings to me. I have not made any nasty comments about her father. She is sitting here eating peanut butter from the jar now.
I have decided that his actions tonight are cowardly and driven by guilt, he did indicate tonight that he really does not care about the destruction he is causing, all he cares about is himself and his needs now. I almost think he is mentally unwell at present. Maybe I didn't handle things well tonight, I don't know, live and learn from my mistakes and take notice of advice that I get here.
Who knows what today will hold when he comes back, he will most likely gather up clothes and go. I suppose I will let him go not sure what I will say to him though, really should get some sleep now.
Just quickly before I go, the list entailed: 1.Me not being available enough intimately whilst raising two children (I also worked full time mind you and ran the house and everything else).
2. Don't try hard enough to fit in with his group of friends, I am a very shy person and don't find it easy to just walk up to someone I don't know from a bar of soap and start talking. Apparently that is a big fault of mine.
3.Didn't include him in the running of the house enough - he never offered, if I asked it never happened.
4.Don't go out enough with my own friends or just to do anything even if on my own.
5.Didn't leave him in the house on his own enough.
6.My friends are not as exciting as his.
You get the idea, the list went on with more of the same.
Well, didn't get much sleep nor did D and here I am trying to brace myself for another day of not understanding, I guess this is my first real day as a LBS.
Not sure how to react when he comes back this morning, don't know what he will do or say and unsure what I will say or should say. D doesn't even want to look at him let alone talk to him, I can understand her feelings.
Well H came back this morning so we could take D to the open day at the university she wants to go to. Apart from Hi and a little bit of small talk, the 1 1/2hr journey there and back went in silence. Once there, he acted as though we were a normal family, asked what I wanted for lunch and then went and got it for me (never ever did that) and then gave me money for coffees. Still said very little though to me.
I made sure when he came home that I wasn't waiting like I was desperate, I was over at the clubhouse having coffee with friends (we live in a golf course estate which has a clubhouse with restaurant), I also made sure that I was dressed very nicely, hair and makeup done (which I always do) but I did not want look like I was on the verge of a breakdown nor that I had not slept a wink and had been crying all night and really didn;t feel like getting mystelf together but I DID and I must say I felt better when I was all done up. I remained pleasant, spoke gently and even had a laugh with D whilst we walked around the various buildings and lecture halls.
D told me not to get sucked in by his acting like normal family behaviour (she noticed his manner as well). He did not attempt to kiss or hug me though and I made no attempt at any physical contact.
I hope I handled the day well, now just not sure if he is going to stay the night or pack up some stuff and go again, so stomach in knots at the uncertainty of it all.
If he does stay the night, do I do the usual morning stuff, make his breakfast and lunch? or is this when I do a 180 and not do it.
Mind you he didn't look so great, clothes crumpled up, couldn't stop yawning, looked really tired.
I felt quite good in myself that I at least looked and felt composed and together. I think I will treat myself to a bubble bath tonight and face mask, the ironing can wait. I used to do the ironing and never end up having a bath, I think now I will do it the other way around and put myself first for a change.
Any advice for my above questions would be greatly appreciated as even though I am reading the books, things are happening faster than I can read and sort things out in head.
