Just not sure now, he has asked what we are doing for dinner. If I go with him it means conversation regarding our marriage. I don't know that I am ready for that or for that matter what I am supposed to say.
His comment in his letter about money made me mad as I have never once mentioned he should earn more or anything like that, I found that comment uncalled for.
Had dinner. He says he has made up his mind, there is nothing in the marriage for him anymore, wants to do just guy stuff with guys (his single friends).
I know it was wrong but I had to let him know that i was angry and disappointed in the manner in which he has gone about everything. I said that just because he was leaving he would not be able to walk away from his responsibilities to his D, she is still at school.
I did not ask him to stay or beg or grovel or any of that. It is hard Mac to not get upset at what he says, it is like the past 26 years as a couple has just been written off and doesn't matter and never existed.
He admitted tonight that all he cares about is himself and no one else in the same breath says that all the stuff he said the past couple of times after he went away and came back about loving me, needing to be with me etc etc was all true and not lies. Talk about mess with my head I no longer know what to believe.
I still love him and don't want to give up on the M but he says he has given up totally. Do I continue to fight and follow the program, continue with GAL and ride the rollercoaster ride or do I throw in the towel.
Our house settles in 3 weeks and I have to make a quick decision and find somewhere for myself and our daughter to live, the poor kid is coming up for end of year exams and I worry about how this will affect her, the first time he left she was devastated and cried for days. I guess I have to think of us and only us now and ensure that we are okay. I have never been on my own nor had to do anything like this on my own or live without my H. I feel like I am running on auto pilot at the moment.
I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to vent my anger and despair but am afraid if I do I won't be able to stop. My S is going to take some leave at the end of the month and come home and help me move and spend some time with me for this I am grateful and also grateful that he is nothing like his father, he is a much more compassionate, gentle human being.
I have one very close girlfriend who has been through this as well but apart from her, everyone on this site is all I have. I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to just write all this down and know that no one is judging me but that you are all there with wisdom.
I haven't cried yet, want to so much but afraid I won't be able to stop, feel I need to put the emotional side on hold until I sort out all the living arrangements and moving etc, don't even know if I have the strength to do that, but have to. He has gone out now, don't know where, don't really care, well I do, but I can't show that I do.
I know this is a stupid question, do I leave my rings on or remove them, he has never worn a ring. I just don't know if I am going to be able to do it just yet. I guess there is no right or wrong time, I still consider myself married.
And from the bottom up (contrary person that I am)
"I still consider myself married". Big choice - good choice. Which should answer your question "Do I continue to fight?". Keep the tokens of your marriage on if you feel comfortable with that. Don't do it just because you feel you should and if that would make you feel miserable in doing so.
Personally my ring is welded to my finger. It'll take 8 lbs of semtex to get it off. My W on the other hand (no pun intended) didn't have hers on the last time I saw her. No big deal (actually yes it was).
Honey - vent away. Scream, cry whatever you need to do. Bang the keyboard. It's allowed. Just let it out (not in the middle of the street though!) or in front of your D or H! You will find it gets easier if you really really work on yourself.
The situation at the moment is really out of your control. You see that the pillock (sorry for calling him that) is in the driving seat - or so he thinks. He's like a drunk driver. He is making the crud decisions and will have to handle the consequences. You really need to do some heavy reading here on the community and see if there's something you can do before he steps out of the door.
There's an excellent post by Laurie in Communications on how to talk to your H. How to handle the things he may throw your way.
I'm sure some of the big guns can give you some excellent advice. They'll be along shortly. You are NOT alone in this.
At the moment he thinks that reverting back to having the time of his life with the lads will make things better. Bulldust. Cloud cuckoo land. My W is in exactly the same foggy state. Living with female "friend" who does nothing but guzzle booze and stay out all night. Not sustainable - but I admire my W's fortitude. I have faith that my W will work this out eventually. You must do the same with H.
You are blessed with a loving S. Lean on him - he'll be there for his mum. You need to be there for your D and yourself.
Alone? Like me? First time? Ahhhh damn hard but like me you'll manage. You'll cultivate friends that you never thought you had before. GAL is the thing.
So H has left and come back. Surprise! Just like my W and I still can't figure it out. The hardest thing with this is that the W said this third time is the last time. In the state she was in in feeling she HAD to go and get away from the whole list of bad things in a letter she wrote to/about me. Her perception and those of your H are valid to them. There is nothing you can say or write down that will sway them right now. Sad fact. Still feeling the hurt from two months ago when it happened out of the blue.
Been said before - treat this like a marathon not as a sprint. Pace yourself.
Girl - I hear you. The sooner you start with constructive action the sooner you'll see results. Won't be overnight. But start now. - I think you have already because of some of the decisions you have already made.
Wisdom? Nah - just been there before you. Chin up girl
It will get better - check my thread out and see where I was and where I am now.
I am sorry about the letter. Keep it. My H shared a similar letter with me and when I first read it, well, I felt just like you. A year later, I can see it for what it is and for what I and others see in yours. Confusion. Confusion. Confusion. YES he sounds calm and rational. But he isn't. He is admitting he is not spending time with his friends anymore, that he feels close to no one, but then he says he misses you when you are not there.
Mac is right, some of the big guns will be along shortly and you already have PDT and Virtually Handsome checking in so keep posting as more will come. They will help you on this journey.
IF this is MLC, you will have to be prepared for several things, more hurtful stuff, more confusion, a journey of your own, and this will take time. We all come here in pain, we want our answers to be immediate. This took time to get to this point, and it will take time to progress. The outcome for all of us is unknown except that if we do the we work, we will all be better.
Sharing here is good for so many reasons. It allows you to get it out, others understand and can offer comfort and different perspectives, friendships and education. So keep posting and reading as that will help you. You may never understand the specific whys to this, but understanding the general situation, knowing you are not alone does help. And like Mac said, you can watch your own growth.
You asked how I react differently. It really depends on the situation at hand and has changed as I have. Examples, H threatened to move out, I said go. No not what I wanted but what he said he wanted. I too did all of the caregiving. As my H still lives at home and seems content to a degree to do so, I have stopped doing for him. Some of my choice some of his. I do no laundry, I don't cook with him in mind, I refuse to make decisions now for the house or him, especially if he expresses confusion over it. I just kindly let him know what I think and say up to you. Each indiviual situation has it's own unique quirks and as you grow within yourself and figure out what you want to do (divorce and get it over with or stand), you will start to see what you need to do for you. There is an excellent thread in the MLC archives, I think under resources called Understanding Pursuit and Distance. I don't link so if anyone wants to help out:)
You are at the beginning, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time and space to cry and vent. If you need space from him, take it. You can't really make any choices while you are in an emotional funk but you have to go through this first. Right now you are at the bottom of the rollercoaster. You will begin the climb up, just like we all did and the first hill will be at a slow crawl but each one becomes easier. Remember, even though it feels like it, this is not the end of the world, just the beginning of a (can't believe I can say this now) beautiful journey.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Mac and Cat, you brought a smile to my face which I haven't had for a very long time, I feel like I am getting hugs and a shoulder to cry on and feel like I have new best friends. I am so grateful to have literally stumbled across the site when I googled, don't even remember what words I googled.
You know he even checked up on me this afternoon, rang to see where I was and what time I would be home. But I am not allowed to ask him those questions, that is one of his complaints about me, because after all he says he has a list as long as his arm of things I have done wrong. So much for being Mrs Nice, he said if I had have been a b@*%$ during our M he wouldn't have hung around so long, talk about kick you when you are down. Is it guilt that they do this to us, I am beginning to think so. I really have to stop analysing his thought processes.
Even to look at him (mind you he cannot look me in the eyes for even a split second) he looks almost like he has checked out, cold eyes, no emotion whatsoever. lights are on no one is home look. He actually does not look well at all.
I asked him why he bought me lingerie and perfume when he was away if he knew what he was going to do, his answer - I wanted to. Guilt again, I don't know, must stop this analysing. Don't want the lingerie or perfume any more I don't think. Says he will always love me.
Will keep my rings on for the time being, don't feel quite ready yet to remove them as stupidly or not, I haven't given up and am not ready to.
H will definitely move out, he is determined and I doubt there is much I could do or say to stop that, so I guess I will have to let him go.
I will keep reading other peoples threads and check up on your thread suggestion Mac. I can't thank you all enough, feel like crying now, no one home but me, the dog and the cat.
Sorry Mac, I am still trying the navigate the site where do I find the post by Laurie on Communication. I keep finding all sorts of info but then forget where I saw it.
Thank yo so much, it's funny how you find people on the other side of the world who are going through the same thing when at first you think you are alone in the universe. How wrong I was to think I was alone.
I have many similarities in my sitch although I am 2 years further along the track. My H has OW. My situation began with my illness too. I offer you my support and friendship. I'll be back later to check on you.
Try using the search pull down menu at the top and plug in Laurie and Communication. It will probably pull up a lot of posts, but you should be able to find it.
Hang in there. Things WILL get better, as bleak as they may seem right now.
