WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

When she starts saying stuff like "Im doing this because you hurt me before... blah" he can politefully and respectfully remind her that "I understand you are hurting BUT I already apologized for hurting you in the best. Can we please deal with the present..."

I actually got to use this last nite. She text me to call her last nite. We had a great dinner yesterday (the 4 of us) and really had fun at my 7 year old's soccer game (I coach the team). The two of us had split a bucket of beer during dinner again and seemed to be having fun - relatively low key playful stuff. She had worn a nice white blouse and a skirt. For some reason, the blouse didn't look very good on her and I wound up just joking around about how her boobs looked small. She showed me that she was still wearing the same type of bra so it must have been the way the blouse was cut.

Anyway, after soccer, she gave the boys hugs and kisses goodbye. My 7 year old asked her how about daddy. She just looked at me and waved bye.

I could see my 7 year old was upset/hurt about it, real let down as he had a blast in soccer as his team crushed the other team. As I walked to my truck with my 2 boys, I put my arm around him and just said that it was ok to be a little sad/hurt, but I guess mommy just didn't feel like it.

Later on that nite, she text me to give her a call so I did.

She then asked to borrow a $2500 as a credit card bill was coming due. I told her that I was uncomfortable doing that as I felt like she was taking advantage/using me. She then freaked out saying how she knew she shouldn't have called and couldn't count on me and blah blah blah. I told her that when she left, we had talked about a lot of things, and she had said she would do several things to continue to work on us and I said I new she had incurred a lot of debt setting up her new apartment so I asked her to let me know if she gets in a bind.

She said that she had been trying to work with me and now when she needs something I'm not working on her. She said that I should just sign the papers right now so it can be over with as she feels that she will never work on us because I really haven't changed. Then she starts going on about how I'm trying to control her again and how it seems like everything is going great for me and once again she is getting screwed.

I stopped her right then and there and said that nothing had gone right this year. She said how I lost my job and even before my severance ran out I found a new job which made 20% more and how great I was doing. I told her that if she thought I was happy about losing my job so now I only see my boys 2/3 nites/week and I'm driving 3 hours to go back and forth, she has got to be kidding me. How can she possibly say that with this year her filing for divorce and leaving and me losing my job and not seeing my family a good year?!?!?!?

I told her that when she was my wife and I had done everything I could to provide for her and the boys. Now several things have happened in the past few weeks that have me concerned (her not wearing a ring, saying she stopped looking for reason, etc.) that she is just playing me to think that we will could just be friends that co-parent. I told her that is not going to happen. If we get divorced, we will not be friends and right now I feel like I'm being played by her to head down that road.

She said that since she left, she sees how I've become a better person and she feels like she has become a better person so that would mean we would both be better parents. I told her that if she is concerned about being a good parent, she should move back in and work on us because us staying together is the best thing for the kids as well as us.

She said she doesn't want to do that and wants me to just sign the papers so she can put the past 10 years behind her. I told her I'm not going to do that as I don't believe that is the right answer for us nor the kids. I told her that I have been trying to work with her, but I will do nothing to move the divorce along as that's what she wants, not me.

She then started crying about how hurt she had been from the past and blah blah blah. I stopped her and told her that I have appologized for that already and have learned from it so that I will be a better person, father and husband. She said that she had heard all that already but it still hurts. That's when I dropped the line of how talking about the past isn't going to be productive but if she wants to talk about the present and work on the present, I will.

She said there isn't anything to work on as she isn't going to work on it and I can't force her to. She said how she has been trying to be nice and work with me and I haven't done anything to work with her. I reminded her of how I took her to the doctor's when she called and how when she needed to borrow tools and things, I helped her.

She said that she can't talk to me because everytime we talk, she winds up crying and nothing gets resolved. I told if she wants to work on that, that's something a counselor/therapist could have helped. She said that she had tried telling me over the last 2 years and I told her that everytime we had tried going to consuling, I always said to her and the counselor that I didn't know why we were there as I don't know what the problem was. So why didn't she say what the problem was back then.

She said she tried to but couldn't find a way to communicate with me. I reminded her that she had figured out how to do it when she told me she filed for divorce back in Jan.

She said that she didn't want to work on it anymore as she was tired of being hurt and doesn't even like who I am. I told her that perhaps I'm really not who she thinks I am as she had expected me to react a certain way when she told me and I hadn't done that to this date.

She said that she thought that I had wanted to work on it just out of desperation of keeping the family together. I told her that if that's what she really thinks is the only reason why I want to work on it, then she really doesn't know who I am and how I feel.

She was crying during most of the call so I told he that if she wanted to move back in and work on it, we can work on building the relationship that we both want. She said she can't afford it as she would have to pay cancellation fees to get out of her lease. I told her I would pay for all that if she really is willing to move back and try.

She said she isn't and just kept crying.

I told her that her decision to hold on to the hurt and not try. I'm going to continue to work on myself as I know I can't control what she does. So the ultimate decision to break up the family is hers.

This went on for over an hour and it was getting late so I told her that I knew she had to work tomorrow so she should try to get some sleep and hung up.

She text a short while later saying how I certainly had a knack for making her unhappy. I text her back saying this situation this year had made us all feel that way. She then text back that she was sick now. I tried to call but she didn't answer. I just text her back saying that I called to see if she was ok. She said she hates getting so upset that she gets sick. I called again and she answered. I just asked if she was sick to the point she needed help, but she said no. I tried to be sympathetic and compassionate to her being physically sick and said that if she needed anything to help with her being sick to let me know and said good nite.

Later that nite, I find she posts on facebook about how she doesn't know how some people are so impossible and why conversations with them always involves tears. I almost called her about that and/or post a reply but felt I didn't want to be as childish as her.

So this morning she called to tell me that the kids don't have school or day care the week between Xmas and New Years so could I take vacation. I told her that I will have to check and let her know early next week.

She then called later tonite to talk to the boys (about 30 minutes past their bedtime). They were still up so I just let them talk. We were in the middle of folding laundry so they didn't want to talk to her so it was pretty short.

Overall today though, the boys and I had a great day. I was surprised that my 7 year old slept in till almost 9:30 (normally they are both up before 7AM. We went to the park to play baseball, had a really good lunch. When my 3 year old took his nap, I got to spend a little one on one time with my 7 year old where we played a card game and talked. One of my close friends dropped by for a beer and my boys were excited to show off for him.

I did show my boys on my laptop how we can do video calls so when their laptop came, we could see other when we talked. They were both excited to have a video call with my cousin out in Colorado. I really hope the netbook shows up tomorrow.

So it was a good day with the boys. The call last nite really sucked and I was annoyed about what she did on facebook (I almost uploaded her topless pictures that she had sent me last week onto my facebook page but didn't want to stoop to her level). When she called to talk to the boys, I didn't say much to her other than bye to hang up. I don't expect to have anything like the 8th grade hook up like we had the last couple of weeks.

Oh well, perhaps I really blew it with the call last nite. Who knows. Personally, I think it has just brought everything she had been guiding us towards more into the open.......

I still believe and still want to save our marriage. I just don't have a lot of hope nor expectation.....