Moving forward

[The Wifey]

Hi all -

Starting a new thread as I'm trying to regroup.

Stick to one thread at a time. People only have so much time in a day and it is impossible to get to everyone to help. Don't start a new thread until the moderators lock your first thread.

This started two weeks ago.

I know the pain you are in Bill, but two weeks is not enough time to see any changes yet. This is a sprint, not a marathon. It is time to man-up buddy. I'd loan you a set of brass ones, but they are already on loan. Put on your big-guy panties and board the roller coaster.

Wife has responded postively to me doing more things at home. We're having good conversations about general things.

She is reacting positively, but at this point she doesn't believe these changes are permanent. Time is the only way to prove they will be. She is also thinking that you could have changed these before and are only doing them because of the bomb.

She has sought out hugs and other physical contact, but not consistantly. I'm trying to stop seeking out such things myself, but not successfully. Unclear to me how bad this is.

Trust me, its not good. I know its hard to see the distance between you, but asking for affection not offered freely will only remind her of the distance.

We're sitting and watching TV together, etc.
She is spending more time with friends, taking a trip this weekend for example.

I'm making an effort to get home earlier, spend more time and focus with the kids, playing games, etc. I took them to an amusement park yesterday. Last Friday, W joined in on a game of Uno, and we all had a lot of fun.

The other thing I'm trying to keep up is playing music with my friends. W has said that, this is when I seem to be most happy. She has also enjoyed it when I just play for the family, so I think I should do more of this too.

All good, but you have only just begun. Can you really make these things stick? It takes at least 3 weeks to form a new habit and months more for someone else to believe its real.

I'm trying to figure out how much attention to give W. If this is the problem, I want to continue with this 180. I'm trying to spend MORE time with her, without following her around this house. But I don't want to push her away either. She is accepting foot massages from me, so I'm doing this sort of things too.

Does she want you to spend more time with her or is what you thinks she wants? What has she complained about pre-bomb? You don't want to be a puppy dog (Sorry Puppy) following her, nor do you want to be in her face all the time.

So, my focus right now is correcting the balance in my life, my kids, doing more "acts of service" at home, giving W more attention. I want to continue time with music and friends, without being more absent from the home. She has reacted positively to these things, but is still determined to leave.

Did you read The Five Love Languages? Are you sure "acts of service" is her love language?

Of course she is still determined to leave. Its only been 2 weeks. This didn't happen over night. She had to have a lot of bad feelings churning up for a while to get to this decision. Re-read the DR book on the WAW syndrome. Read the WA posts. Honestly, the only way to understand anything a WA says or does is to read and educate yourself here and through books.

You have to get beyond your hurt, detach and GAL first and foremost. You can't stop or change her. You can only change you. Changing yourself can have an effect on your R and M, but it will not happen over night, ever.