I'm sorry the situation is escalating when you could really use a break from it all.
I don't think the WAS realizes how profound the effect on others in the family goes. I also had the dad very ill w/C & the mother who took it all in to the point where she started talking about taking him out ;-)
I bet she does calm down after she gets most of the shock out of her system.
I feel kinda sorry for your H too, he has no idea what he's unleashed until he's tangled with a Momma Bear.
I still have a soft spot for "the man formerly known as H". Sorry if I disappoint you and John. Maria, you do not disappoint me. Much like FIB, yourself and many others (I am sure) I also still have a soft spot for XW. It is weird that even after we have been lied to and betrayed, some feelings remain. I sense in some of your posts that you are shifting the blame away from your husband (to his mistress and to your mom). Do not loose sight of the real culprit. Try to relax on your vacation (I know that will be a tall order). You need time to heal like we all did...some day you may even be able to forgive your H. However, it is time to concentrate on you, the kids and your immediate family (including your mom). We all react differently to our loved ones getting hurt. You saw and read some very hurtful material in the last 48 hrs. It will take time to digest...a long time. You do have a choice as we all do. Dwell on the past or concentrate on the future.
As I told BBJ, l've lurked here for a long, long time, but I've done the "save the marriage" thing for my D for 13 years.
You need to stay on vacation, and if you can get your parents to join you and watch the kids while you get away on your own, all the better. Please remember, your parents have been violated too. It may be your marriage, but your parents have a right to their feelings. Don't see your mom as self-centered, she -- and your dad -- opened their hearts and souls to your H just as you did. He abused their love and trust too. It sounds like, over the years, they may have sided with him over you so they have a right to their anger. They thought they were doing what was best for you and your kids and now they learned other otherwise. They have a right to their anger and you need to let it be.
Oddly, my father was diagnosed with cancer prior to my major drama. Short synopsis. My family is eccentric but very, very close. We love and accept most everyone, but few get into our inner circle. For many years, my family adored my husband and they sided with him on many issues over me. After his 1st EA and our move to a new city, his shine diminished -- not because of what I told them but because of his behavior. In retrospect, it was a cycle. As a family, we love people. For the few we let in, we lacked boundaries.
At some point my H thought that he was total family and that his behavior was separate from my family's lives. The day my H spoke horridly to me in front of my D -- she was 14 and I had been silent for 11 years -- my D called my brother. My brother talked to her, but he was jumping onto a flight so he called my parents and one sister. Everyone was shocked at my H's words and tried to defuse the situation with me. I stood firm -- he was out. They tried to talk me down from my stance. I stood firm and told them enough was enough. They were shocked at what I told them about the past 11 years. After they heard what I told them about the last 11 years, they stood firm that he was out. When I floundered they told me to stand firm, he was out.
My dad was an amazing man. He was the last in the family to defend my H. He never spoke badly about others. His kindness can be measured by his funeral. At the age of 85 there were more than 500 people at his funeral. Yet, the night of the horrid words he said without challenge and riddled with cancer, "I'm tired and have no more strength, but I've seen H's meanness grow over the years and if you say he's out, he's out." My family then shut him out. My H was shocked at my families shut out.
We went to a MC. My H cried to the MC over the lose of my parents and the lose of my family. He couldn't understand why they would reject him. He told our MC, in tears, that my parents and my family were his only parents and his only family. He said my parents and family meant more to him than his own parents and his own family. Yet, he never directly connected my parents and my family to me. He told the MC he failed our D and he wanted to make good with our D.
In the end, I let him come home. I don't think my dad ever forgave my H before he died. It doesn't matter what my H thinks about my dad's forgiveness. My H has worked very hard to build a relationship with my daughter. Good on that because he let her down for way too many years. They have grown very close in the last year. She has gained so much from these efforts. For that I'm grateful.
Me, I'll probably be gone when she goes to college in 2 years. I think my husband thinks the same. If I could redo it all, I would have let him go 13 years ago when he wanted to go. But, I have no time to regret any of my choices. I have a life and I just keep moving on.
Everyone, moving on, kimmie, alexn, search4,rinserepeat, coach, sunny dear, julia, donna,addie,coach, fib, kitty Kat, everyone, and my usual suspects -you know who you are- i am not responding to each and everyone, but i am reading, processing your words, thinking, dont think I overlook your words. I am fine. I havent been sleeping and have been loosing weight fast but I am getting better.
My mom feels better. Moving on, you are right. we are living in the same building, one big family, they feel cheated and vilated too. When H's mom died, my mom told him she was there for him, as a second mom. And yes, they were supporting him over me, his profile was calmer and more reasonable than mine, I am known to be more passionate...
I will stay here. My dad is a tragic figure. But as always, he is coming thru for me. Today I told him to trust me. Trust that I will be fine and I will find the way to be very happy no matter what. He said he does.
H is lost. He texts me about the kids but doesnt even call. I will call him to tell him that I am thinking of him and that I know this is killing him. But that I cant help him or want to. He has to face consequences for a lifetime, first time ever. Such a sad love story. And very common too, unfortunately.
Take care all, I'll tan some for you guys also... S
you amaze me my dear K. you are showing what you are made of during these times ..and honestly my eyes well up with tears. But in your case I am quite certain that they are not tears of sadness. Very strange cuz ordinarily at a time like this that is just what the tears would be ..for sadness.
you are an easy person to support through this horribleness cuz you are so classy, sharp, and as prepared as one can be ..that support from me and others around here is nearly unnecessary. I have a surge of admiration and loads of respect for you sunshine. And thanks for activating my tear ducts to remind me of my human-ness. I have been feeling like I should have been crying over these last bunch of day for reasons of my own.
I will stick with my previous comment ...tower of strength. I realize you aren't super-human though and that strength surely is finite ..but you will know what to do then. The fact that you would have to be the ring-leader in providing calm reassurances to memebers of your family ....is pretty back-asswards but it is just further showing of your capability.
You are to be emulated.
Peace my dear.
May the Lord bless you in all you do and keep you well and ...shiny.
I'm glad you are going to be able to stay, relax and tan.
Very nice words for H to let him know you understand and are thinking about him, but also excellent job by you of letting him know that it is his issue and his alone to work with from here on out.
