Its not like I want to keep this going, I really, really don't but I am finding it hard to let him say things about me that simply aren't true. Because it hurts coming from him, anyone else, fine, but him, its not fine. Because I love him and I feel the need to prevent him from thinking a certain way about me. But he's going to think them either way.
Reread your statement, especially the bold part.
You cannot control what he or anyone else on this planet thinks of you. All that trying to get him to see the truth is doing for you is sapping your energy and leaving you frustrated.
When he emails this spew, think, "Ah, the alien is talking again. I sure wish the H I knew hadn't been abducted by the alien. Silly, stupid, clueless alien."
None of us was any stronger than you when we came here, but we made the decision to detach, learn, and let go of the rope. We chose--even though it was AS compelling and AS tough for us as it is for you--to stop engaging in cheeseless tunnels. Over time it gets easier, because you are creating a habit and a different way of behaving in your R and in the world.
How do your muscles get stronger? By reading about it? By talking about it? By wishing for it? No; that would be silly, right? The only way to build muscle is to work out. Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes we want to quit. Sometimes we injure ourselves, but then we learn how to do it better and perfect our technique.
Well, the only way your DB muscles are going to grow strong is through this same process.
It is a decision. Decide. Choose. Let go.
DBing is not just a M strategy, it is a LIFE strategy. My M is pretty good these days, and it's always best when I am actively using what I learned from DBing.
But it's not *his* fault you respond. It's yours. So accept that, learn from it, and make better decisions.
You are not a victim. No one who has choices is a victim.
You'll get there, but you've got to get out of your own way.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You cannot control what he or anyone else on this planet thinks of you. All that trying to get him to see the truth is doing for you is sapping your energy and leaving you frustrated.
I know, thats why starting today, I'm going to stop.
Quote:
But it's not *his* fault you respond. It's yours. So accept that, learn from it, and make better decisions.
I never thought it was his fault at all that I respond. I know its all me and my inability to ignore his accusations. I know I need to stop. Its hard but I know I have to do it. I'm making a lot of mistakes through all of this but I'm trying to learn from them. No more. I'm not going to argue my point anymore. No more defending myself, no more trying to get him to see what I see, no more accusing him, no more.
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
I love the advice that 25, SD.wifey, Coach et al gave you. And I am taking it for myself. Responding in your usual way shows that you have not changed the dynamic.
I love how SD maintained her cool when she found the letter. I am NOW after a few months of DB truly learning the value of doing this. It is all about change, change, change. But it is easy to slip back into same , same, same when under pressure.
And, as one smart writer said "Your marriage is in ER. The first rule in ER is to remain calm and stabalize the situation."
I am beginning to look at my sitch as a big fire. It can be brought under control. Will I be a fireman with a hose or will I pour gasoline on it? These images are helping me whenever I want to say or do something that I already KNOW I will regret.
You can do it, Beepee. Look at how many of us you have with you.
Could you please post his emails here before you do anything with them? Even the one you already responded to? We would like to see them and decipher them. And I can bet most of us can anticipate a lot of what he said, because it is script.
Post whatever he responds with, if he actually does.
We can help you not to respond. And it isn't easy, I know.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Had a really hectic day today. It was fun though, walked around the neighborhood with my BF and hung out with her for a bit. Then had to come back home and pack a ton of stuff and clear the bedroom for my friends to come over and take my extremely large bookcase that needs to be taken apart. I'm so tired and beat.
Wifey, I deleted everything of this. I don't want to keep it anymore. I made a huge mistake of replying to his email in rage. I was so angry at what he was saying that I wasn't the nicest person in the email, I really ripped him apart and I'm so sorry that I did it. It was a huge mistake and I feel like what I said to him in the email would anger him so much that he's not going to respond to me. He said he would email me tonight, but as usual...no email. Which is fine with me. Nothing left to think about. If he does email back, it will probably be filled with angry remarks in response to my email. I will make sure to post it on here if he does email me. I don't want to think about it anymore. If he emails me fine, if he doesnt, fine.
My life is starting to get really busy and I don't have time to think about this as much as I used to. Lots of dates with my friends, packing and moving everything, selling at the market, so much stuff to go through before moving out. It feels neverending sometimes because theres just SO MUCH STUFF. But it keeps me busy so thats always good.
My BF and I were talking about my H and how it seems to be the end now. If I don't sign those papers, it really is the end. Its a sad reality but I this is better for me. I have to look out for myself. I can't worry about him anymore. I've neglected myself for so long worrying about what he's doing, who he's doing it with, where he is etc etc. No more. I said what I wanted to say to him in that last email. If he responds angrily, I won't email him back. I'll give it to you guys first and see what you think.
I just want to thank everyone who's been there for me and for continuing to help me through this very tough time in my life. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for all of you. I'm not making as much progress as I'd like and I'm always doing the wrong thing when it comes to H and I thank you all for your patience. I am going to try harder to stop this vicious cycle. I need to do a 180 and be the person in the relationship that doesnt make any contact and put myself above everything else.
Don't give up on me guys, even though I want to give up on myself sometimes, I need so much help. I don't know how much longer I can last in all of this before giving up and quitting but I'll give it my all. I'll make sure i've done everything I possibly could to make this work before finally giving up.
I'm sleepy. I need to sleep. Goodnight everyone
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
If I was perfect and could do this on my own without making mistakes, I wouldn't be here. But this is hard as I am sure you know. Knowing what to do and having the ability to do it is two completely different things. I know what to do, but I have trouble doing what I know I should do. I think don't I'm the only one on here that has the same problem.
I'm sorry for asking for advice and not taking it, it is very difficult and this is really really fresh for me. Its only been 2 months. I'm sorry if I'm making mistakes, I'm sorry for not having the strength to follow the advice I know I should, Im only human. Its just effing hard.
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
We are all here for the same damn sad reasons. Just like you.
And like you we've farted about and done exactly nothing to improve things.
Remember that the guys and gals here have something we do not.
Time and experience.
Two months? Two months are nothing. First duck my wife did was six of the damn things. And you know what? That first time I HAD got over things. I HAD dropped the rope. I accidently stumbled on the "As if" routine. AND she came back.
Honey - some of the people here have been trying for years. They've kept their faith. In themselves and their significant others.
They have seen some of the biggest mistakes and learned not to do them.
You HAVE to do this beeps. No "woe is me" and "I can't do it".
If I was perfect and could do this on my own without making mistakes, I wouldn't be here. But this is hard as I am sure you know. Knowing what to do and having the ability to do it is two completely different things. I know what to do, but I have trouble doing what I know I should do. I think don't I'm the only one on here that has the same problem.
I'm sorry for asking for advice and not taking it, it is very difficult and this is really really fresh for me. Its only been 2 months. I'm sorry if I'm making mistakes, I'm sorry for not having the strength to follow the advice I know I should, Im only human. Its just effing hard.
I KNOW it's hard, beepee. But the difficulty should come in how well, or awkwardly, or inelegantly, you try to DO the things you've been advised to do and that the DR/DB books say and that you yourself even know you should do. Not in not even trying them to begin with.
"What should I do, should I ride my bike?" she asked.
"NO!" everyone shouted. "Don't ride the bike!"
"Oh, I KNOW I shouldn't do it," she said.
So she rode it anyway, without waiting for the advice from the others, and then was frustrated when she didn't ride it very well.
"But we told you not to ride it!" the others pleaded.
"I know, but it's hard," she said.
OK, so it's a silly little story, but do you see the difference that I'm trying to convey?
