First, thanks robx for the detailed and wonderful reply. I feel very supported here and feel like the power of crowds is good for these kinds of situations.
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Is there something else at play here?
How was the marriage leading up to the pregnancy?
It seems very unusual that a woman with a 5 month old baby wants to divorce her husband for no reason whatsoever.
We had a wonderful marriage up until the baby came. Minor marital issues, but nothing big. Really what I'd call an extraordinary partnership and 99% frictionless.
I didn't say no reason whatsoever. She gives two:
1. She felt abandoned every time I had to see my other two kids (4-5 hours away) every three weeks for 3 days. We agreed to this schedule last year and it was entirely flexible. If she would've asked me to change, I would have easily. She said she could not be my teacher and that I should have known to change it myself. Probably felt that my child support payments were sucking away too much money, but I earned a decent enough salary that we were socking away $1K/month for a house.
2. She felt that she had changed as a person since having a baby, finishing her graduate degree, and getting a job and that I was no longer the right person for her. That one, I just can't figure out. Why have a baby with someone then? Why not try to work it out.
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Is she hiding something from you?
Was she ever unfaithful before the pregnancy & childbirth?
What has caused her to lose attraction for you?
No. Faithful as old faithful. Absolutely no infidelity. Never anything before, during, or after pregnancy. Also, no drugs, alcohol, or abuse.
Post-partum explains the lack of affection, which is big and which I believe made her view me as disposable, starting at the second month past birth. Divorce rates triple after having a baby. My dr. friend believes that the nursing hormone prolactin is a culprit, which can cause you to actually hate your husband in some cases.
To w, the divorce is entirely feasible: her parents have completely taken up my domestic role (they see her 2x day and 3-4 times a week for dinner, they have endless time for babysitting). She sees me at an ATM through child support payments. And believes (and her parents believe) that it's a great time to divorce because the baby won't know a thing. Finally, she and her parents believe that my son will not be affected by divorce in the future either--at all. That two households and ping-ponging back and forth and the discomfort of interaction will have no effect. Apparently, they haven't read the latest studies.
Finally, her counselor, who we had seen only twice, told her individually that if she felt change was not possible to divorce me rapidly and offer no chance to change. Period. Which she did.
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All of this stuff is counter intuitive and yet that's the beauty of it. You don't pursue, you let go of the rope. You don't give her attention, you don't give her any attention. You focus on being a great dad and just be civil with her.
Thanks. That's the best advice. Right now, she's not even civil to me. Says nothing when I pick up my son (I say good morning, etc). Maybe I should say less words than she says (less than 0).
Also, we've gone legal now. She filed for temp support and said many things to assassinate my character as a dad to provide arguments to whittle down my time with my son. I was forced to get an attorney just to get more time with my son and now have to respond to these allegations with same. Why why why has it come down to this: two people who just six months ago dearly loved each other, now can't talk to each other, require the courts to solve their problems, and have a major mess for the next 18 years with court orders, visitation, rigid schedules, etc. Ughh! Part of my letter question was also to try to make her aware of what the world will be like that she is entering. It is not what her parents believe or she believes...but you're right. The letter is stupid.
